Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall...

My boundaries will give me a pretty clear indication of how I appraise my self-worth.  My self-concept becomes less abstract and more concrete when I look into the mirror of my boundaries.  Everyone has boundaries.  It's where those boundaries are set, which reflect my core values and self-concept.  Are my boundaries reflective of my consciously constructed values?

A helpful tool in self-examination is doing an inventory surrounding my core values by taking cues from where I set my boundaries; regarding how I use my time, money and words, on a day-to-day basis.  I'm wise to not expect perfection, but am also empowered as I gain awareness of where I may make progress.

Boundaries, Boundaries, wherefore art thou boundaries?

Spiritual RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
- Romans 5:6-8 (emphasis added is mine)


Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is complex and controversial.  While I'm not a credentialed specialist, I have personal experience having lived with what's often referred to as, RAD, Attachment Disorganization, or complex trauma.  If you want a reference to a credentialed specialist, click here, here, here, or here.  Pick one or all.

As for my own merited credentials, I was a twin baby, relinquished as a newborn in Korea at an orphanage in 1980 that experienced a hospitalization, two foster homes, and being separated from my twin, then reunited with her on an airplane ride overseas when we meet our adoptive parents in the airport, who looked nothing like any of the previous caretakers I'd been with - all within just the first 11 months of my life.  To the average/typical person who isn't familiar with attachment and trauma, it doesn't look like much is going on here.  But to the person who is well informed and educated regarding attachment, brain development, neurobiology and trauma issues - it's a shitload.  On top of this, I have never formed a secure-attachment with any caregiver as a child or adolescent.

I can personally identify with this particular diagnosis and several of the symptoms associated with it that are covered by the above diagnoses/names referenced.  I haven't spent years studying attachment/trauma issues in the world of academia, I've been too busy living with it.  I'm now gaining awareness and consciously observing many articles/books written on these subjects as a part of my own journey of healing and recovery, with the backdrop of my own personal experiences.

There's also a very prevalent component present in my life, which the people who get to know me well can attest to - I am deeply analytical in regards to spirituality/theology and psychology/human behavior.  I'm completely fascinated with these overlapping arenas, while at the same time, trying to put the fragmented pieces together, consisting of my own self.

My latest thought-provoking analysis (as of this morning) is that after sin entered into creation via a crafty serpent's deception portraying God as unsafe to fully trust (read Genesis 3), a primal attachment trauma/disruption (spiritual death) occurred at the spiritual level, which has impacted all other levels that humans encapsulate (the physical, mental and emotional spaces).

We were created to be deeply connected and dependent on our spiritual parent/caretaker or attachment figure, which is God.  We were created to fully depend and trust Him to provide for all of our needs.  He's willing and capable of doing this for us.  He's set up creation to provide for our needs in a way where we experience peace and enjoyment of having our needs provided for by Him, through His creation.  The deception which consists of God being unsafe, was insidiously crafted by Satan.  Humanity now experiences an attachment wound that was first experienced on the spiritual level.  From the moment the first humans pursued God's role as Judge instead of trusting Him to play that role, they believed judgment was the solution to the problem.

Adam and Eve were fully accepted and loved as they were.  They didn't need to improve themselves by eating the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, to become more "godly".  Now, humanity is addicted to this, and the addiction to judgement is otherwise called sin, which leads to shame, which disrupts the flow of a profoundly felt-sense of intimacy and connection (attachment) between God and mankind.

Humanity gravitates to many alternative "caregivers" to provide for our needs, which lead to pain, emptiness, anxiety and disillusion - much like addictive drugs - because they are pseudo life sources...not the real deal.

The problem with mankind, is that mankind believes there is a problem with mankind, and therefore must make improvement on themselves to fix these "problems", when there wasn't any problem with mankind in the first place.  "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good...."  - Genesis 1:31

When a child who has experienced attachment disruption(s) or other trauma(s) which took place where the child's relationship and involvement with their attachment figures (caretakers) didn't repair or help the child to process the experience in a way that disarms shame - another trauma takes place.  We now have a second layer of trauma.  This is the context, in my current understanding, where "Reactive Attachment Disorder" is conceived.

Humanity's babies are now born to be dependent on humans to provide for their needs.  Humans who are broken and wounded, and struggle to remain attached/connected on a moment by moment basis, to their safe Creator, due to believing the same thing Adam and Eve did about God - that trusting Him isn't in my best interests.  This is a condition which has attachment disorganization stemming from its origins - in the garden of Eden.

But then -

Jesus enters into creation...God incarnate.


A divine intervention took place in history, to recover humanity and all the pain and anguish done while acting out of its Reactive Attachment Disorder state, on a spiritual level.  Jesus is how God intervened on humanity's attachment disruption, that started off with a deception of God being unsafe (putting faith in a lie), sin took place from acting out the faith that God wasn't trustworthy, and then shame ensues because the action/choice was based on believing a lie about God, and about ourselves.  The lie about God is that He cannot fully be trusted, and the lie about ourselves is that we need to meet our own needs outside of depending on God because He's not trustworthy.

Returning back to the child who has a history of trauma and/or attachment disruption(s)..there is, thankfully a solution.  It isn't an easy one.  It's isn't a cheap one.  No, there is tremendous sacrifice involved.  That sacrifice often requires a savior, which is the adult-caretaker who is willing to go to great lengths of pain to move a mountain, in order to build a secure-attachment to the child who desperately needs it, but fights and/or resists to receive what is desperately needed.

The adult-caretaker is setup to fail by the child, this is classical  reactive attachment disorder, as I'm understanding it.  The child is terrified to receive what's needed most (felt-sense of love and connection), because either it was once experienced and lost, or it was experienced ambivalently/inconsistently, or never experienced at all after birth.

Regardless of the exact etiology, I'm becoming convinced that it's not necessarily what events took place, but the pervasive shame that was installed/downloaded through these early traumatic experiences, in the subconscious areas of the developing brain.  Shame became hard-wired into the child's brain, through neglect, abandonment and/or abuse in the child's earliest years.

The parallel I'm trying to contrast here is between the child who has carefully been diagnosed with RAD or experienced complex trauma/attachment disorganization, with all of the human race, spiritually speaking.

The adult caregiver who takes up the role which includes building a secure-attachment to this child, is similar to what Jesus did for us.  Us as in, mankind, not exclusively traumatized children.  We didn't set him up to easily love and embrace us with His love.  We resisted it, and wanted to be independent, self-sufficient, or dependent on other people or things...other than God.  Yet, Jesus still entered into our broken world, as a vulnerable baby, and did the only thing that was possible to restore a secure-attachment between mankind and our Creator - He gave His life on the cross.  He did that for us.  He was fighting to embrace us with His outrageous love, giving us what we desperately needed, but experienced tenacious resistance from mankind  to the point of him getting nailed and crucified on a cross, as a condemned criminal to the secular world, but (even worse) as a blasphemer to the religious world...He did this for us.  He was killed by people trying to "protect" God's holiness (that's essentially what blasphemy is).


"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.  Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  - Romans 5:6-8

COMMUNITY > shame

There exists within me, a well-traveled pathway made up of a strong felt-sense of shame, that's being revealed to my cognitive/conscious awareness.  It's a lesson that's come as a result of being willing and open to practicing vulnerability and experiencing some pain, knowing that pain has a life-giving message for me if I'm willing to explore its terrain.  In order to explore the terrain of pain, I need the support of others.  If I'm doing this alone and in isolation (out of shame) I'll get lost in the pain, unable to navigate my way through without numbing out and/or sub-consciously paying it forward, usually onto those closest to me, instead of receiving the life-giving message it brings.

That is why trusted community is so critical to personal growth.

In isolation, I've realized that my body gives me messages that only I can feel.  They are physical/somatic sensations.  My body is communicating to me, and only me, which can be tempting to only try and decode its messages in isolation, void of practicing any vulnerability.

I need the help of others though, to reconnect with my body in a way where I can clearly interpret the messages it longs to give me.

My body is on my side.  Will I honor or dishonor my body?  Will I acknowledge the way its communicating to me without shaming it, or will I try and numb out to ignore it, continuing to operate out of unconfronted shame?

I've been aware of a particular felt-sensation I experience in my body for about a year.  I've just recently been able to pinpoint the direct correlation of what triggers it and how to disarm the harmful-shame-cycle that gets played out within nanoseconds.  My nervous system is working perfectly, in response to the specific environment it had to adapt to, from my earliest years.  Unfortunately, though the template was created in my preverbal period, the nervous system is great at picking up any subtle signals that reinforce its original template.  Thank God - the original template CAN be replaced...that's the process of recovery I'm getting my feet wet in...the dive will come when I'm ready.

Setting the shame-stage:

Lights. Darkness. Camera. Action...

Props List of Old Script:

Someone's response to my vulnerability in action.
It's often an email response or some interpersonal communication responding to me after I've been vulnerable.  It requires risk.  Currently, the most comfortable forum for me in becoming vulnerable is via writing, even though I feel as though the deck is stacked against me.  When I'm using the old script to determine whether or not to take a risk, it's usually an impulsive risk.  When I'm using the new script, it's a pre-calculated risk which involves making conscious decisions primarily out of my prefrontal cortex, not my amygdala.  After I've taken a risk (with whatever lack or amount of forethought involved) there is uncertainty that follows.  The difference between the old and the new script (see below) in this particular step is marked by a presence of peace that isn't dependent on me controlling the outcome when it's done consciously, otherwise the presence of anxiety is predominantly felt.

Painful felt-sense of shame I experience in response to their response.
This is the ugly part of this script, but also marks the turning point where I can use the awareness of pain to do something different (see below).  It can feel anywhere from mildly unpleasant to feeling extremely painful.  For me, I will often minimally feel blood rushing to my face.  Suddenly, I need to take a deep breath, then my breathing becomes more rapid.

Mental Cognition freezes (old script).
I tend to go blank in my thought process.  I shutdown.  It's too much.  I must self-protect.

Mental Cognition reboot.
I must survive (not thrive).  Intellectual survival mechanisms are put into high-gear, almost compulsively.  I analyze the shit (no pun intended) out of the other person's response, and I search to validate my anger and/or pain, by logically breaking down their response.

CUT-

Commentary: The setting/context for a powerful shame-tornado is all in place, which includes a history of unresolved trauma(s) that are primarily quarantined from the conscious-awareness zip codes in the brain.  All the props are present to create a shame-induced shitstorm.  All that's needed is a force of shame-energy to blow through, and take this well-traveled pathway of shame, which for most of my life has led to anger, rage and further shame, covered up with false-pride vs. authentic, healthy self-respect.  Pain isn't allowed due to the reign of fear.

Fragmented self-awareness of this script has remained fragmented thus keeping me semi-aware, but stuck nonetheless.  What essential ingredient disarms my old script's pathway from being traveled?

LIGHT >>  AWARENESS WITHIN COMMUNITY - via exposure within safety

Fear of judgement that locks me into isolation (even though I'm often around others) feeds shame, tricking me into believing I'm actually self-protecting via isolation.


 Props List of New Script:

Relationships With Safe people.  If this means you start from scratch, then start from scratch - if at all possible, get into therapy.  A good therapist, whom you feel safe with can work wonders.  It's a great start from escaping isolation.  These relationships can often give me the support needed to apply the breaks when I'm inclined to default to my old scripts of acting out impulsively instead of consciously, so I can choose to use the new script instead.

Conscious Vulnerability.  What good is having a safe group of people if I never consciously practice being vulnerable with them?  In the beginning, think baby-steps, like crawling before walking.  Remember, babies often have mild - moderate falls as they first learn to walk, with the help of others who know how to walk, trip, fall and get back up again.

If I never utilize these kinds of relationships in choosing to become vulnerable at some point, it's like cooking up a healthy meal, but not biting into it, or having an Emergency Savings Bank Account, but not withdrawing from it when needed.  Placing myself within a setting/environment where I can intentionally build safe relationships with others, while also learning and practicing how to BE a safe person to others, is a critical and indispensable part of breaking the shame-cycle.  Exposing shame leads to the disarming of shame, within the right environment (safe relationships).  Trust takes time and intention to build.  I've found that being open to the people in my life who are showing up in ways that express they want to get me, builds my shame armor.  It also trains me in how to show up like that for other people, which is satisfying in and of itself. 

Darkness. Lights. Camera. Action.

My experience from learning a new script which includes safe people and vulnerability is bringing me new outcomes.  Traveling down a different pathway, leads to a different destination.  As a result, I'm able to better see what is mine to carry and unpack, and what isn't (baggage) - in other words: Boundaries.  For whatever reason, the universe isn't designed to deal with baggage assignments while remaining in isolation, at least from my experiences when it comes to dealing with shame.  There's a lot of "unclaimed baggage" so to speak, in this world that has no name tag attached to it, clearly identifying its owner.

I certainly have my own setbacks regarding my shame baggage, to unpack and heal from carrying such a heavy load for so long.  I cannot take on the shame-baggage of others and unpack it for them.  I can sure support and assist them, but not take it over myself, often that results in resentments and I'd be robbing them of the opportunity of building their own unique shame-armor, custom fit to their own unique story.

The roots of origin for shame, seems to be a personal matter.  The roots of origin from my shame are deeply held in my self-concept that is intertwined with deception of how I see myself, how I see God, and how I see others.

Though my mind may not be aware of this spiritual boundary yet, my body is.  When I'm able to reconnect with my body and spirit, I find that harmony helps make sense out of pain.  Could it be that the felt-sense of shame my body experiences is my body interacting with my spirit?  Could it be that my body, through neurobiology, is trying to give awareness to my soul (psyche/mind) to back off of this shame-energy that isn't for me to digest.  It's not my shame-baggage to unpack.  Is my body essentially saying - "not ours" because it senses this spiritual boundary, often before my mind consciously processes it?

Whether or not that is what's taking place in the unseen arena, my experiences of gaining mind, body, spirit, awareness is convincing me that as they reconnect harmoniously, my mind can help my body make sense out of its felt-pain.  This happens best, when I'm in community with others who are also open to reconnecting within their own mind, body and spirit.


[COMMUNITY]  pronounced: COME / UNITY 

Healing From Attachment Disorganization Trauma - Part 1

This is something new to me.  I'm going to start sharing more openly here about my own journey of healing from attachment disorganization, which is secondary to experiencing trauma.

I'm not a credentialed therapist/psychologist/clinician.  What I share isn't from a scholarly point of view.  It's from a "living it" point of view.

An interview with myself about this process:

What is your goal in blogging about this experience?
I'm not really sure how this will turn out.  I really have no plan or outline.  I know I just need to write.

Why?
I don't know, I just do.

What are you hoping to accomplish through your next phase of blogging?
Oh, just to save the world.  Just kidding, kinda-
Seriously...I want my own story to be taken seriously.  I want to be given take the opportunity to  have my story be used to impact, confront, challenge and encourage other people to understand their own stories in a way that frees them from shame and distorted self-concepts.  I want to say things I wish I could read in someone else's blog, or book, or hear someone say in an open public forum.  Maybe it's already out there, but I'm unaware...well that's one point scored for unawareness, because it's at least getting me to understand my own story and put it out there (yes - way out there), with the intention of cutting out the bullshit.

I want certain people to start talking more....
And certain people to start listening more...
I want the voices of validation, affirmation and acceptance to drown out the deafening sounds of silence, apathy and indifference - which are all fueled by ignorance, denial and shame.

How do you plan on accomplishing the above?
By speaking up, and speaking out.
By sharing my story, as I currently understand it - without the bullshit that only strengthens the shame.  I plan on accomplishing this through the accountability (even though it may be just perceived accountability) I sense from blogging on a website that's accessible/visible to the public - this helps protect me from my believing the bullshit that I tell myself when on auto-pilot.

Aren't you worried what other's might think?
Hail yeah.  I think that's why I gotta just DO this...it's a major part of my own journey in confronting and disarming shame, and the fear that keeps shame empowered.

Ready, Set, Go.....

I currently can relate to a broad base of people, using several identifiers - some are more obvious to others than not.

For starters, I am Asian-American, Korean to be more specific...a Korean-Adoptee.
I am also a wife, mother (two daughters), a daughter, twin sister, younger sister, aunt, niece, granddaughter and God-mother.
I am also a christian, albeit not a very "good" one.
I'm a stay-at-home mama, albeit not a very "good" one either.
I'm also in therapy!

What is my biggest secret?
- I struggle deeply with shame.  Shame coming from a subconscious state.  It's so pervasive, that I've operated out of pride through much of my life, to hide and deny the shame.  I'm ashamed of how much shame I carry, so I've spent a good amount of my life covering it up with pride, anger, denial, judging and dissociating.  Oh, and let's not forget, intellectualism and spiritual bypassing.  I'm now doing much less spiritual bypassing though.  It only worked for a short-time...thank God it only worked for a short time, and He didn't allow me to keep going on in my denial and self-delusion, in God's name.


What's my game-plan for dealing with shame?

1. Therapy incorporating EMDR for preverbal trauma held in implicit memory.
2. Telling my story to anyone who will listen.
3. Reading lots of books.
4. Prayer and meditation that utilizes both hemispheres of my brain, but focusing more on my right brain using imaginative-prayer/meditation.
5. Leaning on support, and giving it to others.
6. Having a quite-personal-time.

Breakdown of my plan:

1. Therapy incorporating EMDR for preverbal trauma held in implicit memory,  I have sought out a therapist who has been trained in a protocol using EMDR for preverbal trauma.  I am more than excited and beyond afraid to get started.  I don't know what to expect.  Will I come out the other side of this whole experience, being a completely different person?  I've heard such amazing things about EMDR.  I want my own amazing things.  I'm open, I'm afraid, but here I go...
2. Blogging, talking and writing...
3. Just finished reading, "Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children" by Daniel Hughes.  This book is AMAZING.  I wholeheartedly recommend it.  I'm still processing much of it.  It was a GOD-send, thanks God.
4. Praying in the milieu of life, as I go with the flow...AND making a commitment in setting apart sacred space to practice imaginative prayer/meditation, on a regular basis.
5. Going to my weekly support group meetings, sharing, and growing with a trusted peer.
6. When my toddler naps, I do not clean the house or do other household chores...I read, blog, journal, and practice self-care for that day.

A part of my plan should really include getting a solid night's rest.  That's why I'm signing off for now - 

Until Part 2 ~ Peace ~

"Fear" Being Called Out

"Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near."
-Philippians 4:5

Up until today, I thought this verse was more of a warning or a threat.  That is how I perceived it.  "God's near - so watch out, and BEHAVE yourself!"

Now, after recent events in my own life, I'm extracting a different interpretation.  Paul's not reminding the reader that the Lord is near to warn or threaten them.  He's not trying to intimidate people to produce behavior modification.  That never works, for very long.

Being reminded of God's nearness when I'm NOT inclined towards gentleness, but rather harsh and unruly interactions with others, provides me with consolation and solace.  It reminds me of God's true character and identity.  God is love. (1 John 4:16)  Love doesn't use fear of punishment to get us to behave a certain way.  There is no fear in love.  Let me repeat: There is no fear in love.
In fact - Perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 

I can't take credit for such a beautifully freeing statement.  I copied it, word for word, from the New Testament, found in 1 John 4:18.


God is for me, not against me.
God is not passive.
God is not apathetic.
God is not a coward, He doesn't depend of putting fear into people, to draw them near.  He drives OUT fear in people, so they may be perfected in Him - Who is Love Himself.  

Contrary to many of our sayings that take God's name in vain, or misrepresents His nature, like "putting the fear of God in them" to get people to behave a certain way - is NOT how God operates.  Why should I try and resort to using this fear-based method when trying to "discipline" my children?  Trying to get my children (who are way smaller, weaker, younger and more vulnerable) to fear me in order to get them to behave the way I want is not godly.  It's not how God operates with me, yet it's what I default to when I'm trying to control others or outcomes.

Fear of punishment is effective for behavior modification, with trust and vulnerability within a connected relationship being sacrificed at the Behavior Alter.  Fear of punishment (not consequences), but rather punishment that is penal or retributive and not rehabilitative, isn't how I see God raising me.  Fear of punishment is effective for getting citizens to follow the laws.  The government does not need to have a connected relationship to the citizens in order to function.  What the government does need in order to function is to have its own citizens have connected relationships with its own citizens.

Fear works very well in some instances.  Fear sells.  Fear gets results.  Fear makes a great tool for producing a certain behavior - devoid of a loving relationship.  But perfect love drives out fear, it doesn't feed on it.

God isn't primarily concerned about me producing or reducing certain behaviors - at the cost of a loving and intimate relationship.  He is for an intimately loving relationship with me, that drives OUT fear of punishment - for this is what transforms me, and produces the kinds of behavior that bring about enjoyment, without fear.

God doesn't make fear of punishment deposits in my life to win me over.  He make love deposits, and it's His perfect love that drives OUT fear, because a high fear factor doesn't produces perfect love - it hinders it, per God.