Principles in Serious Dating - Avoid casual dating. Casual dating: when you have no interest/intention in developing a committed relationship that could possibly lead to marriage, but are more so using this person to take up time and escape feeling alone/bored. It's a huge waste of time. It reveals devalued self-esteem and regard for the other's worth, which is a red flag warning you to stay out of the dating arena until this is compassionately look at with some honest soul-searching. (I'm willing to bet most who are honest with themselves have to deal with this in their life at different points in their life, it's OK, it's part of being human and being consciously aware about what drives your motives).
- Practice getting clear and honest in deeply knowing and accepting yourself first. Avoid abdicating this invaludable journey out to a boyfriend to do this for you, to search out your worth in place of you doing it YOURSELF. Getting this invaluable information for yourself, outside of a dating relationship is so worth it, whether you die single or married, you'll reap the rewards and be glad you did. The correlation between how you allow yourself to be treated by someone in an intimate relationship can often reveal a lot about the way you subconsciously feel you deserve and are worth being treated. Get clear about this first outside of giving your heart and/or body away. In other words: set the foundation for lovingly investing and committing in the relationship you have with yourself first. That is the one relationship you'll have your entire life, till death do you part. This is not done in a vacuum or in isolation, nor is it done productively within the context of a dating relationship that has no foundation of you doing this anywhere else. My experience tells me that it's best done within same-sex, platonic friendships with whom you can be authentic with, who will challenge you to grow and stay invested in yourself up front, and in your relationship with God. These friendships are indispensable, whether you die married or single. The purpose of this is to approach any potential dating relationship being armed with conscious experiences of exploring who you are and who you are not (which is an ever-evolving journey) and accepting who you are with love, not shame - imperfections and all. If this isn't done, it sets a high-risk ball into motion towards heartache that can be thwarted by not depending on unrealistic expectations being met by the person you enter into a dating relationship with. It's mutually beneficial, greatly reducing resentment-liability, on both ends.
- Articulate what your expectations are (not what you think they ought to be, but what they truly are) by identifying bottom-line behaviors that you will not tolerate without specific immediate actions being followed on your end. Including, but not limited to ending the dating relationship. Possible examples: lying/deception, cheating, physical/emotional abuse, untreated addiction etc. This includes sharing values on specifics that are non-negotiable to you; spiritual compatibility, financial philosophies, or other lifestyle perspectives etc. Be careful not to judge or criticize your bottom-lines, because that will hide them when they really are present (shame-based denial). If you're not comfortable with your bottom-line behaviors or standards, I'd caution that you may not be ready to enter into the dating arena yet and this may set you up to compromise way beyond your limits. Compromise isn't bad, in and of itself, if you never become willing to compromise, you will up your chances of being alone even when you do not truly want to be, but when you do compromise without even consciously being aware of it, it usually comes back to bit you in the arse. Get comfy in your own skin first, warts and all. You can always re-evaluate your expectations, but you can't unless you're aware of them first. The purpose behind this principle is similar to the first - to arm yourself with accepting reality and not being blind-sided by denial.
- Articulate what your current dreams and goals are for this relationship. What is the vision you hold for the future with this person that gets you excited? Talk specifics; family, children, career/vocation, calling, lifestyle, etc. This can be a good open door to negotiate, because these are not bottom-line deal-breakers, necessarily. If they are, they should be identified as such. These are the things you desire or want from the relationship, but you're honestly OK accepting if they don't come as hoped. You can grieve over these losses, without major wounds. Cast your dreams and visions with this person, while also seeking to mutually understand theirs.
- Date in community, not in isolation. You're only as sick as your secrets, and if you feel the need to keep secrets about any dating relationship elements, that's a red stinky flag. Shame is fueled by secrecy. Keep things in the light, with trusted and supportive community.
- Practice intimacy and vulnerability with god and your female friendships first. It will help you experience the powerful feelings of fear and connection and regulating from those very human emotions while investing in a meaningful relationship. This will help you to learn by experience that while conflicts, misunderstandings, disappointments, and all that icky stuff is not at all fun to feel, it does not need to hijack and define the relationship either. You can overcome it, but it takes willingness on both ends. You can practice being deeply connected in your heart and soul with another person you trust (which means feeling vulnerable because you DO CARE about how this person feels about you) and get the inevitable experiences of being let down and pissed off by this person, and them being let down and pissed off by you -- and it all getting worked out in a way that brings you closer together, and not created distance that gets ignored or pretend away. It may do that too, but you can learn from these painful times and gain experience in how to lick your tender wounds and get back up after being wounded without burying layers and layers of unresolved resentments.
You optimize your chances for enjoying a healthy life-long relationship when you enter into one out of some kind of supply (versus a demand) of wholeness, health and love. Not out of a survival need to fill a deficit within yourself. That is a recipe for loads of heartaches, unfulfillment and resentment. The supply for this can come through when it wasn't present from the onset, but my experience shows you need two willing people, not just one. I'm being made living proof of God's willingness to show up for you when you invite him, but I ain't going to lie or sugar-coat the process that's involved. It's still occurring after a tremendous amount of pain and necessary willingness to go to great lengths for a breakthrough to freedom and healing by allowing God to redeem the broken pieces, one day at a time.
The best gift you could give to both you and your potential future-spouse is doing what you can well in advance before you meet or decide to commit to him or her, to be ready to give the best of yourself to them, without unconsciously loosing yourself in them. It's a high-road, but this is your heart we're talking about. It's not about perfection. Perfection is unrealistic, but rather being conscious and aware of being your growing best-self realizing that your best-self shows up while in surrender to a loving God, as you enter into a potential for such an intimate relationship. Love and intimacy is risk-taking, but it's a calculated risk and when you see the possible dividends, it's worth it, and all the sooner when these principles can be followed as long as you have today. The temptation is strong and subtle to blow these principles off by believing that a perfect or ideal someone will help you live life happily ever after without you ever having to experience pain or risk. Hollywood makes a good fortune from glamorously propagating that fairy tale, but so do divorce attorneys after the curtain falls.
Love is worth it. You are worth it. Take these words to heart, and in everything - surrender all to God, trusting in Him to lead you, He will never forsake you. And remember - the source of unfailing love to sustain you and fill your God-given longings for love and intimacy is God.
I wish you well and all the best in love and life because your heart, mind, body and souls are SO WORTH IT.
Love you deeply,
Mom
