"Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you." - Genesis 3:16
Now let me break this down...
I'm learning that my deepest desires or longings are not bad, in and of themselves. That is what makes me alive and human, made in the image of my Maker. That is the homing device that will bring me to spiritually experiencing God.
The subtle danger with desire is not that they exist, and I acknowledge them by voicing them, but it is what or whom I falsely believe is the ultimate source of fulfilling that desire. Whatever I identify as the source for fulfilling my deepest longings and desires, that is what will rule over me, for better or for worse. Just as a heroin addict's cravings are linked to being satisfied by using more heroin, which reinforces the destructive addiction cycle to heroin, so is whatever false source I identify as satisfying my deepest desires and longings. The true source I'm starting to experience, is in having a deepening and ongoing spiritual awakening, dependent on getting my life from experiencing God who is fully represented in Jesus, as He relates to the true and authentic me, not the false ego I've learned to create for surviving in a broken world.
My understanding is that the symptom (curse) of the original spiritual trauma (sin) separated us from God. This fragmented our ability to experience the reality of God, our true/authentic selves, and the true/authentic selves of others, from coexisting in harmony from being fulfilled by God, with the absence of shame. Shame leads to hiding our true/authentic vulnerable selves, which leads to us wearing clothes or masks of various forms of false-selves (egos) that relate to God, self and others. From relating to a distorted image of God and ourselves, a spiritually traumatic disruption or loss occurred, which has impacted us physically and emotionally as well, for we are not just one dimensional beings (men and women). For women specifically, it plays out in her closest relationships. Women's desires for enjoying her closest relationships puts a high value on relationships. This is how women reflect the image of God, for God greatly desires and values relationships. This is my current interpretation of the "curse" that women experience, the aftershocks of not related to the true God and seeing herself as God sees her - which is just how he sees man - as very good.
If I'm married, the "fix" may be sought out through my husband, as I attempt (consciously or subconsciously) to get my husband to fulfill me, or it will be with whatever relationship(s) I have where I carry a high expectation or dependency for being fulfilled through. That relational vehicle can be disguised through my career, a ministry, a degree/accolade, or whatever boils down to the relationship(s) that matter most to me, when it comes to a dependency of how I think others will think of me.
If I'm married, the "fix" may be sought out through my husband, as I attempt (consciously or subconsciously) to get my husband to fulfill me, or it will be with whatever relationship(s) I have where I carry a high expectation or dependency for being fulfilled through. That relational vehicle can be disguised through my career, a ministry, a degree/accolade, or whatever boils down to the relationship(s) that matter most to me, when it comes to a dependency of how I think others will think of me.
The more "good" this vehicle is judged to be by my subconscious, the more insidious. If the vehicle is for me to be seen as a "Do-Gooder" or as a good mom, wife, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist, or politician, I will likely feed off of those people who also value that same vehicle for seeking fulfilment through. It is of my current opinion, based on my own experience and observation, that religion is one of the most dangerous addictions around. Why? Because it is so damn insidious and subtle, it rarely even gets flagged as an addiction.
Religious addicts who are the most addicted are those who are in high places (whether that high place is within their own ego or purported by others within their religion or religious community) and rarely take questioning seriously because of their position/status. It's especially concerning when specific criticism of religious addicts is dismissed without a thorough exploration and acknowledgment, and the person speaking out about the problem then becomes the problem, for speaking out about the problem. The "don't talk", "don't question leaders" unspoken rule is a classical sign of a religious addiction supported by a spiritually oppressive system made up of people who survive on denial of reality, and must include scapegoating anyone who tries to buck the system.
"For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve."
- 2 Corinthians 11:13-15
"For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve."
- 2 Corinthians 11:13-15
Personally, I've had experience on both sides. I've identified myself as a recovering Pharisee, which is basically a religious codependent on crack. I was high off self-righteousness that was based primarily on a cognitive knowledge or understanding of God as I cognitively knew him, with a weak/repressed experientially based spirituality. It wasn't until my "self-righteous" house of cards came tumbling down a couple years ago, that I saw this addiction for what it was, an insidious vehicle that started out to serve me well, which someone turned into the master that ruled over me, as I desired to get what I already had in the first place - unconditional love from God, as I am.
Me hitting bottom with my house of religious cards crashing down was the best gift I could have received, for it became my admission ticket to recovery, and having the opportunity to see and admit that to myself, God and trusted others. Up until me hitting bottom, the God of my understanding was not the same as Jesus who is revealed in the gospels, even though I had identified myself as a Christian, I wasn't experiencing Jesus, but more the highs of smoking the religion of "Christianity"...very different. I definitely had my real moments of spirituality, but they were repressed and discounted by me primarily studying and esteeming my intellectual assent of believing in God. My God was not only Jesus, it was also a false and easily offended god, that became an addiction to win his favor, because it never could touch or fill in the deep crevices of my longings to come into contact with the living God, by experiencing His Spirit, one day at a time, being fused with mine.
Me hitting bottom with my house of religious cards crashing down was the best gift I could have received, for it became my admission ticket to recovery, and having the opportunity to see and admit that to myself, God and trusted others. Up until me hitting bottom, the God of my understanding was not the same as Jesus who is revealed in the gospels, even though I had identified myself as a Christian, I wasn't experiencing Jesus, but more the highs of smoking the religion of "Christianity"...very different. I definitely had my real moments of spirituality, but they were repressed and discounted by me primarily studying and esteeming my intellectual assent of believing in God. My God was not only Jesus, it was also a false and easily offended god, that became an addiction to win his favor, because it never could touch or fill in the deep crevices of my longings to come into contact with the living God, by experiencing His Spirit, one day at a time, being fused with mine.
Recovery from being an evangelical pharisee is allowing my spirit to be awakened, albeit imperfectly, but progressively, one day at a time. Those who run, walk, jump and limp with me on this recovery journey are a huge asset to me, as they humbly allow me to be of service to them, and as they reciprocate that service to me in humility as well.
As I walk with others on this spiritual journey on earth, I hope to remember to ask myself everyday: "Today, am I praying for people? Or am I preying on people?" It's a question that must be answered in rigorous honesty, without shame. It's the difference between pseudo-spirituality which is a trap, or authentic spirituality, which is life-giving and freeing. I'm learning to discern the difference between the two, because at first they seem very similar, until I break an unspoken rule in questioning those in leadership, which is a screaming red flag that it is a pseudo-false spiritual system I'm coming up against. When I realize I've done all I can to fit in, but cannot without shutting down and shutting up in the name of a christian virtue, like "forgiveness" or "reconciliation", my next move is to accept reality on reality's terms and if that includes the reality that I cannot change the system, I must surrender it to God and move one, walking in my integrity, while practicing right-relatedness. This is hard. This is what Jesus ultimately lived and died by, and is what saved us. He was a recipient of spiritual abuse and encountered a religious system that was meant to set captives free, but instead affirmed their shame. He was a threat to those in leadership over that system, and was eventually crucified for boldly challenging it and not shutting up. Man, if Jesus only would have let go of his hurts and resentments, and just forgave those he was accusing, then he probably would have been just fine, and not been crucified.
Jesus is my example. Who feels safest with me? Those in the "majority" who benefit from group think? Or those in the minority, who are marginalized and easily scapegoated as being severely-wounded or as in Jesus' days, the Lepers, sinners, tax collectors and prostitutes? Self-examination bearing this question in mind will tell me if I'm preying on the vulnerable or if I'm praying for the vulnerable, while being willing to be used to help set them free, as I identify myself as one of them, who has been set free myself by the grace of Jesus and the message of the gospel.
Jesus is my example. Who feels safest with me? Those in the "majority" who benefit from group think? Or those in the minority, who are marginalized and easily scapegoated as being severely-wounded or as in Jesus' days, the Lepers, sinners, tax collectors and prostitutes? Self-examination bearing this question in mind will tell me if I'm preying on the vulnerable or if I'm praying for the vulnerable, while being willing to be used to help set them free, as I identify myself as one of them, who has been set free myself by the grace of Jesus and the message of the gospel.
