Once upon a time in a faraway land, a young man and woman met, fell in love and got married.
Their pathologies romantically drew them together.
But if their not-so-romantic pathologies continue as is, it will create the very driving force which will prevent them from living happily ever after.
Their pathologies romantically drew them together.
But if their not-so-romantic pathologies continue as is, it will create the very driving force which will prevent them from living happily ever after.
BOTH have a make-it-or-break-it choice. BOTH have a two-choice dilemma consisting of two very different paths. Both paths involve pain and difficulty, and follows crises. One path has lots of individual pain and difficulty experienced heavily on the front-end. Intimacy, transformation and mature love is the pleasurable dessert that follows, but it's tricky to find because it's the path less traveled, rarely taken by BOTH individuals.
The other path has very little pain and difficulty experienced individually on the front-end, it saves that for last. In the beginning, this path predominantly avoids pain, which comes from making necessary changes by learning how to respond to life differently, and applying those lessons learned, one day at a time.
The other path has very little pain and difficulty experienced individually on the front-end, it saves that for last. In the beginning, this path predominantly avoids pain, which comes from making necessary changes by learning how to respond to life differently, and applying those lessons learned, one day at a time.
Two paths following crises:
- Face the issues in the marriage that proceeded and led up to the crises
- Avoid dealing with the issues in the marriage that proceeded and led up to the crises
If both choose the first path, there is predominately pain and difficulty in the beginning. In my observation, it's primarily experienced on an individual level, but not exclusively. The marriage and its traumatic wound are stabilized, then temporarily set aside. The traumatic wound is usually a presenting symptom of a deeper, longer-standing untreated wound, that's become inflamed and infected by avoidance or simply lacking awareness. In essence, both individuals will be learning how to walk all over again, and this happens with focusing inward, through self-examination in place of cross-examination.
Before a marriage can be mended after crises, to the level where it will thrive, flourish and sustain inevitable conflicts without going into all out crisis; both individuals pause and face into themselves first. If BOTH do not choose the first path; the marriage will suffer and will result in either the marriage ending or remaining legally intact but emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally broken and unfulfilled. When there are children in a marriage, they will inevitably be effected by each component, represented as a 3-legged stool, which creates their home's environment, for better or for worse. This 3-legged stool is made up of the internal relationship each parent has with themselves (2), and the marriage relationship between one another (1). There is no way around it. The children are effected by each component, and each component is effected by individual choice.
Relationships are potentially great people-growers, according to willingness.
Marriage. Takes. Work.
(I'm not a credentialed marriage counselor - this is my current amateur perspective. Decide for yourself how this may or may not apply to you.)
P.S. If you've become convinced that you're the one who is in the right and your spouse or partner's behavior is primarily responsible for the marital crises, then so be it. But unless you're either in an arranged marriage, or a relationship which you had no choice in becoming intimately involved with, then your wounds contributed to choosing this "messed up person", and that's yours to own and address. Either way, you are not alone.
(I'm not a credentialed marriage counselor - this is my current amateur perspective. Decide for yourself how this may or may not apply to you.)
P.S. If you've become convinced that you're the one who is in the right and your spouse or partner's behavior is primarily responsible for the marital crises, then so be it. But unless you're either in an arranged marriage, or a relationship which you had no choice in becoming intimately involved with, then your wounds contributed to choosing this "messed up person", and that's yours to own and address. Either way, you are not alone.
