I am coming out of the closet and will no longer remain silent, while I feel like I am being killed softly and by the 'well-mannered' effects of emotional and psychological abuse.
What kind of emotional or psychological abuse do I live with that is most harmful?
Gaslighting and invalidation from others neglecting their soul's wounds from shame, and therefore redistributing its stench to others.
I believe that all forms of abuse; physical, verbal, spiritual, sexual, emotional, financial etc. is a redistribution of shame. Is there any hope of stopping this? -Yes. When I am willing, one day at a time, to do the work of recovery and healing from wounds inflicted to my soul by shame. This can be a powerful antidote and preventative measure from shame being redistributed to the next generation and those I walk with today.
These emotionally/psychologically abusive tactics are silent, invisible and insidious. It is a very passive and covert way of inflicting harm on another. A certain amount of trust has been established, though in my new awareness, this trust hasn't been earned but granted based on the law of familiarity. This kind of 'trust' which is the only kind of trust I thought existed is easily established because it feels familiar. It's an either/or black/white, all-or-nothing type of trust; either I trust myself OR I trust the person I'm in a convoluted relationship with. There is a polarizing conflict between each person's interpretations of motives, intentions, actions, words, nonverbals and other behaviors. To choose to trust or believe myself is to doubt the other person and their purported motives/intentions. To choose to trust or believe the other person's reality is to invalidate your own. There is little, if any room for the grey area that make adult relationships sustainable, or negotiable when conflict arises. This is the painful double-bind; damned if I do, damned if I don't. There is a gripping sense of discord, disharmony and dissonance. Nobody wins.
The experiences and interpretations of each person's experiences can become a growing threat to the relationship and to each individual, unless there is a successful intervention towards reconciliation. Reconciliation cannot take place unless there are two willing parties who come to the table to work towards healing and reconciling with a non-negotiable agreement to tell the truth and be honest. When defensiveness is active and isn't owned (aka. denied) and sedulously explored by the one who is on the defense; rigorous honesty is greatly undermined. Agreeing and following through to intentionally and consciously tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in a non-defensive way is vital.
In much of my own experiences, the effects of gaslighting aren't easily detected because of its covert nature. Intimidation isn't overt, there often aren't threats made of what they WILL to do harm you, instead, the tactics are implemented immediately through cutting off an emotional connection in an intimate or personal relationship through withholding, stonewalling, minimizing, invalidating (passive-aggressiveness) usually out of them being convinced that they are the victim of your "abusive" or "nasty" behaviors. While you may have expressed your anger in a flammatory or inappropriate manner, it is visible and overt. Is is pretty obvious and not hidden, it isn't being disguised and therefore easily denied. That does not justify it or make it more OK, it is still harmful, but you will likely NOT get away with it as easily as the more passive-aggressive emotionally and psychologically abuse forms involves. Therefore, you will more likely be held accountable and exposed for your harmful behavior than the one who induces the subtle and passive-aggressively harmful tactics. That is the difference I'm highlighting here; their presentation/visibility factor, not their 'OK' factor. Neither are OK, neither are without harm.
The harm and abuse is real, but its evidence and traces are more hidden and subtle. Abuse that's isolated to being inflicted emotionally and psychologically are the best kept secrets when it comes to abuses' tricks of the trade. Sadly, this type of abuse often continues much longer because of its indistinct concrete nature, unlike physical and verbal abuse (which are not OK either), it doesn't get recognized as abuse. Denying it by both parties is a very common and crafty self-deception.
The behavior that warrants their withholding or protecting themselves from you is that you're not complying with an unspoken or implicit agenda that the person has with you. The agenda or request is not explicit or fully disclosed. Scattered fragments perhaps, but not the whole entire expectation or agenda. I think it's either from a conscious decision (voluntarily) or an unconscious decision (involuntary). Usually after the confusion between whether or not the unspoken or vague nature of the expectation/agenda is a conscious or unconscious one is confronted, it then becomes apparent if it is out of either unconsciously unresolved shame, or consciously resolved denial. Big difference, little similarities.
I think everyone has a varying degree of unresolved shame. It just comes with the territory of being human and living in a beautiful but broken world. But, what also comes with the territory of being human is the ability to consciously make a choice to either accept or deny someone sharing their truth of how they experience you as they're in an intimate or personal relationship with you.
It makes it a hell of a lot easier to accept hard truths about oneself when they are delivered in a non-inflammatory applicator, or from a respectful and gentle tone. But it is also a hell of a lot easier to deliver hard truths in a non-inflammatory applicator, or a gentle tone when it can be trusted to be received and sincerely considered, while getting beyond defensiveness if needed, because of notable experiences with this person, which leads to believing that they highly value truth, humility and growth within their relationships with others.
"It is better to correct someone openly than to have love and not show it."
-Proverbs 27:5
"The slap of a friend can be trusted to help you,
but the kisses of an enemy are nothing but lies."
-Proverbs 27:6
"When you are full, not even honey tastes good,
but when you are hungry, even something bitter tastes sweet."
-Proverbs 27:7
