Abuse in Disguise

"but Jesus asked him, "Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?" - Luke 22:48

I am coming out of the closet and will no longer remain silent, while I feel like I am being killed softly and by the 'well-mannered' effects of emotional and psychological abuse.

What kind of emotional or psychological abuse do I live with that is most harmful?

Gaslighting and invalidation from others neglecting their soul's wounds from shame, and therefore redistributing its stench to others.

I believe that all forms of abuse; physical, verbal, spiritual, sexual, emotional, financial etc. is a redistribution of shame.  Is there any hope of stopping this?  -Yes.  When I am willing, one day at a time, to do the work of recovery and healing from wounds inflicted to my soul by shame.  This can be a powerful antidote and preventative measure from shame being redistributed to the next generation and those I walk with today.

These emotionally/psychologically abusive tactics are silent, invisible and insidious.  It is a very passive and covert way of inflicting harm on another.  A certain amount of trust has been established, though in my new awareness, this trust hasn't been earned but granted based on the law of familiarity.  This kind of 'trust' which is the only kind of trust I thought existed is easily established because it feels familiar.  It's an either/or black/white, all-or-nothing type of trust; either I trust myself OR I trust the person I'm in a convoluted relationship with.  There is a polarizing conflict between each person's interpretations of motives, intentions, actions, words, nonverbals and other behaviors.  To choose to trust or believe myself is to doubt the other person and their purported motives/intentions.  To choose to trust or believe the other person's reality is to invalidate your own.  There is little, if any room for the grey area that make adult relationships sustainable, or negotiable when conflict arises.  This is the painful double-bind; damned if I do, damned if I don't.  There is a gripping sense of discord, disharmony and dissonance.  Nobody wins.

The experiences and interpretations of each person's experiences can become a growing threat to the relationship and to each individual, unless there is a successful intervention towards reconciliation.  Reconciliation cannot take place unless there are two willing parties who come to the table to work towards healing and reconciling with a non-negotiable agreement to tell the truth and be honest.  When defensiveness is active and isn't owned (aka. denied) and sedulously explored by the one who is on the defense; rigorous honesty is greatly undermined.  Agreeing and following through to intentionally and consciously tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in a non-defensive way is vital.

In much of my own experiences, the effects of gaslighting aren't easily detected because of its covert nature.  Intimidation isn't overt, there often aren't threats made of what they WILL to do harm you, instead, the tactics are implemented immediately through cutting off an emotional connection in an intimate or personal relationship through withholding, stonewalling, minimizing, invalidating (passive-aggressiveness) usually out of them being convinced that they are the victim of your "abusive" or "nasty" behaviors.  While you may have expressed your anger in a flammatory or inappropriate manner, it is visible and overt.  Is is pretty obvious and not hidden, it isn't being disguised and therefore easily denied.  That does not justify it or make it more OK, it is still harmful, but you will likely NOT get away with it as easily as the more passive-aggressive emotionally and psychologically abuse forms involves.  Therefore, you will more likely be held accountable and exposed for your harmful behavior than the one who induces the subtle and passive-aggressively harmful tactics.  That is the difference I'm highlighting here; their presentation/visibility factor, not their 'OK' factor.  Neither are OK, neither are without harm.

The harm and abuse is real, but its evidence and traces are more hidden and subtle.  Abuse that's isolated to being inflicted emotionally and psychologically are the best kept secrets when it comes to abuses' tricks of the trade.  Sadly, this type of abuse often continues much longer because of its indistinct concrete nature, unlike physical and verbal abuse (which are not OK either), it doesn't get recognized as abuse.  Denying it by both parties is a very common and crafty self-deception.

The behavior that warrants their withholding or protecting themselves from you is that you're not complying with an unspoken or implicit agenda that the person has with you.  The agenda or request is not explicit or fully disclosed.  Scattered fragments perhaps, but not the whole entire expectation or agenda.  I think it's either from a conscious decision (voluntarily) or an unconscious decision (involuntary).  Usually after the confusion between whether or not the unspoken or vague nature of the expectation/agenda is a conscious or unconscious one is confronted, it then becomes apparent if it is out of either unconsciously unresolved shame, or consciously resolved denial.  Big difference, little similarities.

I think everyone has a varying degree of unresolved shame.  It just comes with the territory of being human and living in a beautiful but broken world.  But, what also comes with the territory of being human is the ability to consciously make a choice to either accept or deny someone sharing their truth of how they experience you as they're in an intimate or personal relationship with you.

It makes it a hell of a lot easier to accept hard truths about oneself when they are delivered in a non-inflammatory applicator, or from a respectful and gentle tone.  But it is also a hell of a lot easier to deliver hard truths in a non-inflammatory applicator, or a gentle tone when it can be trusted to be received and sincerely considered, while getting beyond defensiveness if needed, because of notable experiences with this person, which leads to believing that they highly value truth, humility and growth within their relationships with others.

"It is better to correct someone openly than to have love and not show it."
-Proverbs 27:5

"The slap of a friend can be trusted to help you,
but the kisses of an enemy are nothing but lies."
-Proverbs 27:6

"When you are full, not even honey tastes good,
but when you are hungry, even something bitter tastes sweet."
-Proverbs 27:7

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

"So each of you must get rid of your lying.  Speak the truth to your neighbor.  We are all part of one body.  Scripture says, "When you are angry, do not sin."  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.  Don't give the devil a chance."  - Ephesians 4:25-27

When (not if, but when) I am angry, I don't want to sin.  What is one very common way that I sin when I'm angry?  -Denying that I am angry, through first lying about being angry to myself and believing I am "above" getting angry, then lying to others and God out of successfully deceiving myself first.

The way I can get rid of my anger is by admitting I am angry.  It is not sinful to be angry.  It is however, sinful and therefore spiritually, emotionally and physically unhealthy and pernicious to lie about being angry, to myself and others.  When I deny that I am angry, I am lying to myself and others out of fear which is stemming from a lie, that says: "I am my feelings."  When I lie to myself, it doesn't take long to successfully deceive myself, and this gives the devil a chance to exploit me with my permission.

A good bedtime ritual is to practice self-examination and see if there are any lies I'm telling myself about my feelings, including especially when it comes to anger.  Denied anger will backfire.  It may not set my pants on fire, but I will get burned somehow.

Am I angry?  If so, tell myself the truth about it.  This is a form of "spiritual fire prevention".  It prevents me from giving the devil a chance to operate in my life with my passive yet complicit consent.  Instead, I am acknowledging the truth, which is necessary for being set free.

"Then you will know the truth.  And the truth will set you free."
- John 8:32

Judgement Disorder

When I confuse my identity and role with God's regarding judgment, I suffer from judgement disorder.  The primary symptoms I've noticed from this pervasive and insidious disorder are shame and/or pride, along with fear of doing life without operating from this familiar disorder.  Most of my life as I've known it, has been lived in submission to this disorder.  Living with its symptoms is all too normal.

The root of this disorder is based in believing a seemingly insignificant and harmless lie.  Why else would I not want to run like hell away from the root cause of this disorder?

The lie:  I am no different than God as far as knowing what I need to know to judge like God.

When the resulting symptoms of shame/pride (two sides of the same coin) along with fear are since accepted because they are so damn familiar, I settle myself short, without ever knowing it.  Any hope of healing from this judgment disorder and its nasty symptoms of shame/pride and fear will remain out of reach.

To believe that I am like God when it comes to judgment, is how all sin is perpetuated, which usually gives way to more judgment of myself and from/towards others, which gives way to more sin.....the crafty serpent's little lie was that we could be like God, knowing good and evil (judgment) if only....I eat from the proverbial fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil  (judgment).

"God knows that if you eat the fruit from that tree, you will learn about good and evil and you will be like God!"  - Genesis 3:5


The truth:  I am in God's likeness because I am human.  Period.  When I feel tempted to judge (others or myself) because I believe I am defective as is, I am believing a lie.

"So God created human beings in his image.  In the image of God he created them.  He created them male and female."  - Genesis 1:27


Judging as if I am God isn't needed to make me feel better about myself.  In fact, it is poisonous and strictly prohibited by God.

The remedy for judgment disorder:  Showing mercy to the one(s) I judged, including myself.

"Those who have not shown mercy will not receive mercy when they are judged.  To show mercy is better than to judge."   - James 2:13


"God is the only Lawmaker and Judge.  He is the only One who can save and destroy.  So it is not right for you to judge your neighbor."  - James 4:12


"Don't judge others, or you will be judged.  You will be judged in the same way that you judge others, and the amount you give to others will be given you."  - Matthew 7:1-2



The vision of my own spiritual life's direction involves recovery from judging myself and others as if I am God, one day at a time.

Affirming What Is...

• I can trust myself and others when I acknowledge and do not deny what I know, see, feel and hear.
• I acknowledge that I may never be totally without pain and suffering AND I can learn to protect and nurture myself.  The two are not mutually exclusive
• I can take care of myself and it won't kill others.  
• My self-care is my business and my business will go bankrupt if I rob myself of self-care.
• My feelings have equal value as other people's; not more and not less. 
• Other people's willingness and capacity to accept and love me for who I am is not my business to own.  I am not responsible for running other people's businesses.
• I can function even when I'm scared.  I can be scared and uncertain, and still be OK.
• I can pause while feeling strong emotions, I do not always need to act immediately.  
• I can know when it's better to just sit in my emotions and ride them out, before acting on them.
• I know how my insides work best; what I need, what I perceive, what I intuit....when I listen and honor myself.
• I need to admit how much I needed them, before I can let go of needing them now.
• I can tell my shaming inner-parent, "Your message has been received, now shut-up!"
• In recovery, I can separate and individuate while still showing up for myself.  All else will follow.
• First things first.
• My trust in God, myself and other safe people will grow.
• I no longer need to live in denial, because God has my back when it comes to acknowledging hard things.
• The more awake and present I am in the moment, the better I can take care of myself and others when I consciously choose to do so.
• My emotions cannot kill or harm anyone else, ever.  My actions, however; may or may not.
• I can take ownership of my choices and feel empowered with the self-awareness I gain from doing so.
• I can hear criticism from others and perhaps extract beneficial information for my own recovery, without absorbing shame and unwarranted guilt.
• Most decisions I make are not life or death (even if they feel like it).
• If I'm having self-destructive thoughts, I can ask how my heart has been missed.
• My inner child has wounded/injured parts as well as healthy/strong parts.  I can respect both.
• My pain is all I need as proof that I am hurting.
• I can learn to trust myself and ask for what I need.
• I can choose whom I will and will not let into my inner life.
• I can stop giving away my power to others out of fear, and take steps towards reclaiming my personal power.
• I can be present and sincerely listen to another share their raw pain and anger, without having to take responsibility for fixing or rescuing them from feeling their pain.
• I can always listen to my inner-child.
• Feeling deep abandonment pain is not self-hate or self-pity, it helps heal my inner-child.
• I can see that I have many options and choices.
• Getting well and becoming whole is the sweetest revenge!

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X-Rated Manual for Mature Men

If you cannot take things in gist at the moment, please come back later.  This is shared in all seriousness with some sarcasm, because sometimes I find that life is easier to talk about when sarcasm is used.  Right or wrong, tis what it is.

If you are a man and are feeling gypped when it comes to the quality and quantity of sex within your marriage, and you're open to getting advice from a woman who will tell you like it is, read on.  Perhaps you'll find this helpful.

Nobody is making me do this (or not do this) other than myself.  I do this feeling compelled to do what I can for happiness to be realized within marriages, be it ever so unorthodox.  It's a battle, for both genders.

Perhaps many Christian men are already getting this information from their Christian brothers from another mother.  I have a little hunch that this isn't always the case, as much as I had assumed.  Just as men don't typically seek out mental health or physical health screenings as often as women, consider this posting a free and private service.  This is gonna come from a "sister" from another mother's perspective.  An unorthodox one, but take it or leave it.  I ask that you please receive it as coming from a sister in Christ.

If you want to enjoy your wife while she enjoys having sex with you, then the first body part you need to become well acquainted with is her brain, not her vagina or her breasts.  You see, the key to activating her sexual desire isn't by pushing some secret button in her genital area.  That knowledge can come in useful, but first things first.  Understand her brain and how her heart (emotional sanctuary) operates first.  Do not forget, as much as our sexually "liberated" culture propagates, she is as much a sexual being as you, but is hardwired differently.  God has created her to enjoy ecstasy and pleasure just as much, and if not more, than you.  She has been hard-wired to have the ability to have multiple full-body orgasms.  As for you -just one, then you're done.

Her sexual arousal which she's also been gifted to have and enjoy within her marriage, is something that isn't activated the same way yours is.  Generally speaking, she is not as primarily visual as you.  All women vary, just like men do, but generally speaking, she will not become sexually aroused by what her eyesight lets in alone.  Her major sexual control panel is not the incoming signals that register mainly through her eyesight, but what incoming signals get registered through her insight and her no bullshit intuition, which can be hugely understood by studying under her hood - her heart, her emotional sanctuary - the CEO of her body chemistry.

Without getting scientific, because I am not a scientist, sex-therapist, marriage therapist or anything of the sort.  My credentials are in being married for nearly 10 bumpy years and somehow managing to get through the school of hard-knocks that my marriage experience has been.

Your wife is not as complex as you, or she, may have come to believe.  Let's not call her "complex" if it's really your resistance to go the extra mile to activate her sexual arousal.  Perhaps that isn't your case, so then just skip over that..it doesn't apply to you.

First things first:
Pursue her.
A woman is attracted by a man whom she can respect.  She will not find herself sexually desiring a man she doesn't truly respect.  A man she can respect is a man who is confident in himself.  I'm not talking about pseudo-confidence that acts like he doesn't "give a rip" about what she thinks and won't be a "yes ma'am" man.  That isn't confidence, that is denial.  Remember, she has an uncanny intuition that detects bullshit.  If you struggle with confidence, it is much better to come clean with her and then do something about it, then to deny it.  A woman finds it nearly impossible to respect a man who lives in denial and is a master of his own deception.  Sorry, but it's a passion-killer; a man in denial.  No matter how well he can articulate, analyze, intellectualize or spiritualize his denial; it will likely register on her intuition control panel if she's practicing walking in tune with it.

Pursuit doesn't mean a few safe-tries with little risk to the ego, then calling it quits.  A man who respectfully pursues, yet persistently does so from a place of authentic confidence is VERY hard for a woman to resist.

If you find it hard to pursue out of an authentic confidence, admit it to yourself, God and another brother.  There is some needed repair, recovery and healing needing to take place.  Nothing can substitute that.  There is no shame to be had in this.  Women need to confront this just as much as men do.  The more you acknowledge and take ownership of this recovery process, the more confidence you will gain - and that will register on her radar.  This is where authentic brotherhood is so vital.  She cannot repair this for you.  She can support you in this process, but this is where you need men to walk with and guide you down this journey, because they know what it's like as a man.  It takes humility to accept this, and humility is much more attractive than foolish pride.


To be continued......

The woman answers,

"Among the young men, my lover

is like an apple tree in the woods!

I enjoy sitting in his shadow;

his fruit is sweet to my taste.

He brought me to the banquet room,

and his banner over me is love.

Strengthen me with raisins, 

and refresh me with apples, 

because I am weak with love.

My lover's hand is under my head, 

and his right arm holds me tight."

- Song of Solomon 2:3-6