Goal: To be thick-skinned, yet soft hearted.
I have to confess that I've been the reverse, and still struggle with its results. But now I can at least say I'm struggling, not settling. The struggle is starting to pay off, in little bits and pieces and they are priceless. I'm able to really enjoy the little victories because I've spent much of my life being thin-skinned and hard-hearted, thinking that's the way I had to live in order to manage my fear and reduce my pain. Much of my way of life has been steered by my fear of pain, which included denying and hiding my fear of pain.
Being thick skinned means I am not easily offended. I do not take things personally. Being soft-hearted means I am not distant and disengaged in my relationships as a pre-requisite or maintenance plan to achieving this goal. Far from it. I am in close fellowship with others and am constantly engaging in life, up close and personal with others.
Imagine me:
Where I am impacted by others to varying degrees depending on the relationship I have with them, but I am not dependent on them for my peace and sense of who I am. Forsaking my tendency to have a hard-heart, I become sensitive to the different thoughts, feelings and experiences of others. I do not have to fully understand or relate to them in order to sincerely honor them. I don't need to dishonor or devalue those who have different thoughts, feelings, or perspectives from their experiences, nor do I become threatened by them if they cannot honor mine. I am not indifferent though. I do not operate out of apathy, nor do I lack empathy. For to do so would require a hard-heart.
A hard-heart does not get hurt by others. It does not care much about what others think or feel. It is indifferent. A hard-heart is impermeable and is not threatened by overt rejection or passive-disapproval. A hard-heart doesn't grieve over losses because it doesn't feel them. It cannot afford to, it cannot afford much of anything for it carries a balance of zero. It has nothing in the negative, nothing in the positive. It breaks even. No risk involved, it plays it safe to feel protected. But it's alone. In response to the sting of loneliness and isolation, it can only afford to shut-down. The hard-heart doesn't receive rejection or intentionally reject others. It's too busy protecting itself, it doesn't necessarily think about others, for that is too risky for it might open the door to being hurt.
In contrast, a soft-heart is vulnerable. It can be hurt, it can feel pain and loss, because it can afford to grieve without going bankrupt. The soft-heart can receive love and intimacy. It gives and it takes, it's fluid, not stagnant.
Thick-skin is needed to embody the soft heart, so it's not easily crushed. The thick-skin doesn't get easily injured upon being rubbed up against by those who are nearby. You see the thing is, when I'm in close contact with others by sharing myself with them, I make myself vulnerable. I take on a risk. I will inevitably get bumped into from time to time. It comes with the territory of being in authentic relationships with humans. People are imperfect, and even a little clumsy. People can love and people can disappoint others. But the condition of thick-skin doesn't thinly expose the heart to being easily crushed when it's bumped into from being in close, and even messy relationships with other imperfect human beings.
Contrary to fear-based beliefs, the way to live is not to disarm people from being able to hurt me by hardening my heart, preventing it from receiving pain because this also prevents love from entering in. With this goal in mind, fear of pain cannot steer my life. For when it does, it drives out love.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. [pain] -John 4:18
The journey forward to arrive at this goal to be thick-skinned yet soft-hearted takes a lifetime. But what else would I rather do with my one and only lifetime?
Live free, live in love.
