Processing the Profound

Before the Fall of Mankind (see Genesis 3) there was no sin and therefore no consequences or after effects of sin in creation.  Sounds like a wonderful place in history to live in. None of us know what that reality is like, yet.

It's always bothered me, how easy it seemed for the serpent to deceive Adam and Eve, resulting in sin and having the entire creation and future generations deeply impacted.  I've thought sin was the source of all problems and pain.  This is what I've been told and believed.  I've even repeated this to others, but now I'm questioning it and seeing the limitations of its application.  Sin makes for an easy and rather plausible (at first glance) scapegoat though, especially other people's stinkin sin (sarcasm).  The source of heartache and pain in the world is related to sin, no doubt.  But there was a time in creation's history when sin was absent, yet it was insufficient to prevent humanity and creation from a curse that is still being played out today, causing generations of devastation to varying degrees.

I'm inclined to observe and explore a little deeper some facts I'm aware of about creation, specifically about humanity BEFORE sin entered in.

The first male and female...

•  were created as adults, not children
•  had unbroken fellowship with their Creator, God
•  were naked and felt no shame
•  had no other humans around for fellowship other than each other

There was no sin, yet being sinless didn't create immunity from being deceived by the serpent, therefore ushering in sin to creation through deception and banking on a lie as if it was the truth.  Adam and Eve were created as adults, not children.  Children are far more vulnerable to deception than adults, and these were sinless adults mind you, that weren't raised by imperfect and fallen parents.  Their brains and thinking capacity didn't have the effects of sin present, because it was before sin was present.  Yet this still was not sufficient in preventing the perfect setup for sin to take place.

I'm realizing that Adam and Eve were vulnerable, even as sinless adults who had unbroken fellowship with each other and with God.  They didn't have "dysfunctional parents" to point the finger at when they sinned.  They had what none of us have ever had - completely shameless vulnerability and unbroken fellowship with one another and with God.  

Yet, given all these advantages that we don't have today, Adam and Eve still fell.  They still bit the bait and fell.  Sin doesn't make humanity vulnerable to itself.  Freedom to believe does, but there is no love without freedom, but with freedom comes risk.  To God, the benefits of freely loving and being freely loved must have outweighed the risk, especially when the risk involved His own blood being shed to cover over those who freely choose him.  Love needs freedom to exist, freedom doesn't necessarily need love to exist though because hate and indifference is also an exercise of one's freedom.  God is love (1 John 4:16) and created us in love, so He gave us the freedom to exercise what we do with it based on what we choose to believe, about ourselves, Him and creation (just like Adam and Eve did).

I'm left to struggle with this: The greatest threat factor to humanity isn't sin.  It's how we use our freedom to choose what is true for us and what is not, then choosing how we act out what we choose to be our truth.  Eve believed the serpent and his insidious lies about herself (that she wasn't good enough), God (that He isn't trustworthy) and about the tree of knowledge of good and evil (the solution to all these conflicts lays in her knowledge that's within her reach, but requires bypassing trusting God).

The truth she chose to act on didn't become true because she chose it.  As humans we can create lots of things.  We were made in the image of our Creator, we can create new life, we can create tons of materialistic stuff based on truths that already exist.  We can create genetically modified foods because the raw materials are already in existence.  Invention of the Airplane was a possibility because brilliant people used the truths inherent to the laws of physics and worked with them.  They didn't create the law of physics though, they acknowledged them and worked around them.  But there is something we as humans cannot create, and that is truth from lies.

So, why do many of us Christians put so much emphasis on not sinning?  Sin can't get all the credit for the pain and loss in our world, banking on lies precedes it.  Sin is the result of investing in lies by operating from a place that's dependent on lies working for us, not against us.  Trying to create our truths from lies.  There are truths that already exist, we cannot create them, but we can choose to operate in respect to them or reject them.  The same goes with lies.  There are lies that already exist, we cannot create them (I cannot just make the law of gravity not true), but we can choose to operate in respect to them or reject them.

The truth isn't reduced to giving intellectual accent to doctrinal statements, but rather in what your heart agrees with regarding identification statements

• Who are you? 
• Who is God?  
• How do you operate based on the truths you choose regarding those questions?

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." - John 8:32

There is a role we play in helping to protect one another from deception, and only having one other person available to do that with and for doesn't seem very hard for the serpent to get around.  Eve only had Adam, her husband and vice versa.  If sinless Adam and Eve who had unbroken intimate fellowship with one another and with God were at risk for being deceived by believing lies about themselves and God, all the more are we who live in post-fall creation and who've been deeply impacted by generations upon generations of sin, Christian or not.  Fellowship with others is critical, and we have that option where Adam and Eve only had each other..more should be written on this, but perhaps in a future post..

"My Head Is My 'Hood" - A Parable

The place I hang around most is inside of my head.  That's my 'hood.
What kind of hood is that exactly?  Well, I've come to terms with the realization that it's been more of a ghetto than a Mr. Roger's type of neighborhood - not exactly the safest place to hang out alone in after dark.
There are gangsters and thieves hiding in many corners.
Gangsters that target me if they think I'm disrespecting their turf or if I don't think like one of them.
Thieves are after my peace and are lurking in dark corners.
Drug dealers that offer me quick and easy solutions to my worries, for only a "small" fee.

How do I survive in my hood?

First of all, I'm learning it indeed hasn't been the safest place to hang out alone in after dark, even though I have been for much of my life.  I now take a friend or two in with me.  I have learned to surrender pride, which in turn disenfranchises shame. We carry flashlights and have each other's backs.  Sometimes I go into other friend's hoods after dark, so we both know the feeling of having a "hood inspector" present.  It brings relief, even though it feels unfamiliar in the beginning.  Good inspection provides good protection.  It's not about shaming.  Shame is left on the curb, and if it approaches, to the curb it shall return.

Often I'm so used to the subtle dangers in my hood that I don't even detect them, to my eyes they look so familiar and are well camouflaged.  But not to my friends.  They usually will pick up on something "fishy" after awhile.  Sometimes they'll detect something right away that I've been desensitized to or have minimized.  She'll ask me for honest answers to sometimes tough questions like: "What's this doing here?  Why is it here?  How long has it been here?  What purpose does it serve?  What is the role it plays in your hood?  Is having this in your hood a peacemaker, or a troublemaker?

I'm in the process of a neighborhood revitalization project where I invite others into my hood.  I ask them to tell me what kinds of potential they see with a certain block or section of my hood.  Should something be demolished, remodeled or further invested in?  Should certain residents be welcomed or removed?  How will something effect the neighboring hoods close by?

This is me approaching recovery and discipleship from yet another angle.

And no - I am not schizophrenic in case you wondered, at least not according to the DSM-IV ;)
I just have my own way of casting light onto matters and throwing em out there, in my own unique (sometimes odd) style.  - Take it or leave it -

Addiction Analysis from an Amatuer

Enjoy chewing slowly on this one -

I think one of the luckiest groups of people on earth are drug addicts.  Yep, that's right.  I'm not making light of the pain and struggle involved, for so many it's a life or death business.  But they, like no other, have some hardcore experience with the reality of humanity's state of affairs after the fall (see Genesis 3).   It's not just any addict on the spectrum, it's the addict that is painfully aware of his/her powerlessness and is willing to do what it takes to find freedom and truth in recovery and through a Higher Power, mine of which is Jesus.

I personally do not have a history of substance abuse.  I was probably a likely candidate for becoming a drug addict based on a history of early abandonment and trauma, but I have no idea what my genes inherited by way of being adopted with no known family history.  I was way too fearful to experiment much with substances other than cigarettes, alcohol and marijuana.  I am not a risky person when it comes to taking great physical risks with my health.  But relationships- that is a whole different story.  I became addicted to certain types of relationships, but that is another post in and of itself.

Back to the topic..

With the exception of addicts operating under denial, they like none other are quite familiar with their brokenness and powerlessness, in and of themselves.  My perspective holds that there is another addiction that is also extremely dangerous thanks to its insidious nature, but much easier to mask than an addictive substance, because its use is so subtle, discrete, and common.  I consider myself to be a recovering addict of this sort.  What exactly is this substance that makes its addiction so hard to detect?  -it consists of the "fruit" eaten from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  It's getting life from human judgments on a knowledge-based level only God fully possess.

I frequently default to evaluating people and circumstances based on my knowledge that creates the basis for my judgments.  It bypasses God with me playing God.  It's linked to feeding myself three square meals a day with fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, which by the way looks pleasing to the eye and good for food when I'm believing the lie that says I'm hungry and God's provisions aren't good enough.

Lucky for humans all over the globe, the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil comes in a wide variety of different forms, depending on what most caters to you.  What is good and what is not when my identify is being fed by eating this fruit?  It depends where you get your identity from, here's a sample list naming some of the different "forms" of fruit this tree has to offer: my appearances, my intellect, my nationality, my reputation, sex-appeal, level of education, my income, my marital-status, my athletic ability, my childhood, my parents' accomplishments,  my children's accomplishments, my political views, my religious views, my zip code, my past, who I know, and what I've accomplished, etc.  The list of different types of "forms" the fruit from this tree produces is diverse, but all the same when it comes to speaking to who I am and what I'm worth - a lie in different forms declaring that what I'm worth and who I am depends on anything...anything other than what God says about me.

In other words - When I eat the fruit from this tree - who I am and what I'm worth gets based on the value system that categorizes good and evil, apart from God's judgment of what is good and evil.

Only God can love and judge perfectly.  Only He can know all things, the good and the evil, yet love fully and purely at the same time.  His views are the ones to base all my judgments on, not mine or others.  Calvary reveals how He views me and all of humanity - He sacrificed all for us, to redeem and restore us because of how He views us, as unspeakably valuable and deeply loved.

Many people who fill churches are addicts.  They may not be addicted to a drug or chemical, but rather in getting high or numbing out by engaging habitually in a deceivingly pleasurable behavior nonetheless -their own judgment.  And when their sense of judgments, which are being based on their own knowledge, becomes one with their identity, great offense is taken when it's perceived as being threatened or challenged.  If my judgments are wrong, and my life-source comes out of my judgments, than who am to those who disagree?

It is human nature to judge based on our own knowledge.  Even the people we like most, we're still judging them with our own knowledge, we're judging those we like as good and acceptable.  The fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil is still in high demand.  When I praise or admire another, I am still using my judgment based on what I know to be "good". The same goes for those I look down on and dismiss as being lesser than others.  I'm clinging to what I know and deeming it enough to actually evaluate between what is good and evil, and this easily becomes how I identify myself.  We get high on this when we actually believe and put faith in our knowledge of what's good and what's evil, apart from God's.

The biggest obstacles to having and maintaining sobriety from the delusional and toxic effects of believing our judgments and merging our identity with them?  Pride and denial.  Denial is best supported by pride in action.  Pride is a formidable shield.  It shields our hearts from being soft and sensitive, which leads to conviction and repentance.

We identify and cling so closely to our own judgments, yet often aren't aware of it.  That's why it's referred to as eating this fruit, for we live off of it, we dine off of our judgements as if it was the source of life.

We all are guilty of being judgmentally dependent.  And to the degree in which we cling to our judgments, we play God and don't need or trust Him to be God.  Why is it so easy to deny this for one's whole lifetime and even from generation to generation?  Because it's often done in secrecy,  hidden from people, unless we confess it out loud and in complete honesty to ourselves, God and others whom we trust.   Keeping all of our judgments to the confines of our secret thought life opens the door to darkness where needing to fully trust and surrender to God and His knowledge of good and evil stays covered.  The more I'm learning in recovery, the more I believe one of the most dangerous judgmental addictions consist of the judgments we cling to regarding our own self.  Instead of trusting God's knowledge and judgment of us, we place our own feelings and judgments of ourselves in place of God's, and from there springs heartache of many kinds.

Drug addicts who are not in denial can plainly see their depravity, because they can clearly see the trail that abusing drugs in their life has left.  It's not hard to acknowledge the cause and effect between the substances they abuse and its results.  Judgmental addicts have a huge disadvantage - it's way too easy to remain in denial of clinging to their judgements as a source of identify by feeding on them (judgement abuse) and its devastating results in their lives.  Pride blinds.  Denial hurts those we'd least want to hurt, because we're simply unaware.

We are all addicts who engage in judgment abuse, perhaps some more than others.  If you are of the human race, I submit to you that you are to varying degrees, addicted to your knowledge regarding what you think is good and evil, and then base much of life on that, for it becomes a value system our identity becomes merged with, in place of Christ.

I am a judgment-junkie-addict in recovery, learning one day at a time, to live peacefully sober from eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  I'm learning how to abstain from living off of my own judgments, being freed up to love others including myself, and letting God play God, not my judgments.

The only judgment I can have is that people, including myself have such tremendous worth to God, that He sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for us, even though we've often rejected his grace and love.  Christ died for all people, and that was a decision He made based on His perfect judgment and love of people stemming from His judgment which concludes we have infinite worth and value.  All other judgments on myself and others that contradict this is me engaging in judgment abuse.  If you absolutely disagree and criticize my opinions shared here, it isn't a blow to my identity when I'm not eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, but rather the tree of Life, which is Christ.

"I know that I am intelligent because I know that I know nothing." -Socrates

Disclaimer: I'm not a professionally trained or licensed addictions counselor.  My dream is to eventually become one.  I do reserve the right to change or alter my aspirations based on what I know about myself and my calling in present tense.  Ideas presented in this post were reflective of my current day's opinions regarding this fascinating topic - addiction in the human race.  I'm on a constantly moving path of growing and expanding my understanding of life and its applications for me.  Thanks for briefly entering in on this moving path with me.  -Kristen

Offensive Strategy

Being easily offended - one of the greatest obstacles in building and maintaining loving and authentic relationships.  However - it can be used for an advantage with a good offensive-strategy in place.  This involves a certain set of responses upon detection of feeling offended, and using the feelings as a whistle-blower, telling me it's time to put my offensive strategy into motion.

Let me explain -

On this journey of life, I experience a perpetual need to know who I am and what I'm worth.  Each turn I make represents a belief I hold and will lead me to somewhere, either my desired destination or far from it.  Each turn I make, represents beliefs I hold to be true about myself and/or life.  I can always resort back to using my old tactics, which heavily relies on a faulty compass (my reactive feelings) as the guide, which takes me on quite a bumpy detour.

My faulty compass represents my old-self and the value system it operates from, which consists of various distorted beliefs that will lead me further away from my desired destination.

Desired destination: Christ-likeness

Evaluating one belief at a time, and being aware of each one and its role in my life leads me to what recovery and discipleship is all about.  Awareness and repentance.

When I've taken a wrong turn, I can usually tell by me being easily offended in my relationships or interactions with others.  I've taken my God-sized-questions to those who are simply, not God.  I've taken my cues of who I am, apart from God, resulting in the tendency to feel unsafe and on guard with others.

When I take things personally, I am usually taking into account my perception of how people think of me and I base my person hood on that.  It then occupies my God-spot, with the outcome of me either being easily offended with that or anxiously guarding it.  I'll either cling onto it for dear life if I like my perception of who I am based on what others think of me or how I think of me - or - I'll be offended and resentful of those that represent a perception of me I do not like.  Buckle-up for a wild roller coaster ride, for that is what this way of living life feels like.

I have a desired destination.  - To reflect Christ who resides in me -

He, who loved like no other,
Who was full of grace and truth,
Was both hated and loved, 
Worshipped and condemned,
Majestic King who made himself servant of all,
Both God and flesh,
Merciful yet just,
Needy yet fulfilled.
Holy, yet broken and bruised.

To the degree to which I take things personally and take my God-sized questions to anything or anyone that isn't God, I will be offended and will be least of service to others the longer I remain parked in that offense.

I am human.  I am fallible.  I do get offended.  I do take things personally.  I do take my God-sized questions to flesh and blood (including my own) and I do feel the sting of offense as a result.  I am learning to not remain in that offense for nearly as long as I have.  This encapsulates my offensive strategy.  It provides me a way to respond when I do feel offended, by not becoming defensive, but going on the offense...which requires me to not be easily taking things so damn personally.  Or at least not remaining stuck in that offense for long.  The offensive strategy gives me a generous 24-hours or so to get out of that offense, and go on the offense by turning my offense either into something to grieve over (see Anger Tick Tock) or if I'm able; to choose not to take it personally by overlooking the offense.  Sometimes a necessary step to overlook the offense is to get rid of anger by moving that feeling to sadness and grieving over it.  But other times it's as simple as making an intentional decision to overlook the offense, instead of being clocked by it.  Another word for this process: detachment

It's one step at a time.  I cannot afford staying in the land of the Offended for long.  It's costly real-estate.  It costs me peace and being of service to others and the blessings that flow from that, for starters.

This is my offensive strategy:

Upon feeling offended, I have choices.  I can either remain in my offense and nurture it with resentment, blame and defensiveness, or quickly turn from that (repent in Christianese)  taking back my God-sized-questions from being falsely answered by false gods, and instead taking them to God.  Who demonstrated His love for me in Christ dying for me.

My heart and soul were made by God and made intimately for God.  My easily being offended is usually an indication that I'm trying to force the wrong puzzle piece to fit where it doesn't.  I tend to react defensively and it doesn't do me or anyone else any good when I'm being defensive.  Why?  Because I then become the center of that defense-strategy, and it backfires.  I want to gain more experience practicing this new offensive-strategy.  It's a tactic that goes on the offensive upon feeling offended, against the kingdom of darkness and spiritual forces of evil, and doesn't take things from flesh and blood so personally.

"From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it."  -Matthew 11:12

I cannot rely on my initial reactive feelings as my offensive-strategy, or I will get creamed.  Upon feeling offended, I have another option - I can employ my new offensive-strategy.  I'm still in training with this, but lucky for me,  I get tons of on-the-job training while on this journey called life.

Anger - Tick Tock

I'm aware of the wisdom that warns me to manage my anger within a short period of time.  I've confused this with trying to "resolve" my anger by trying to get the person I'm angry with to see my side, validate my feelings and empathize with me.  Then to talk it out so we can resolve this.  What a misunderstanding!

If I am the one who is angry, I am the one who has to take certain action because of it.  I don't take it to the person I'm angry at, and expect them to resolve my anger for me by following a certain script.  I work to resolve it quickly first, apart from them.  I work at forgiving them, by venting my anger and managing my physiological response with my safe support people who can hear me out and allow me to be angry, while supporting me to get rid of it before the devil gets a foothold.

Stuffed anger is toxic.

"In your anger do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold." -Ephesians 4:26-27

It is MY responsibility to reach a place where I'm not still angry.  I can get rid of anger by instead allowing myself to experience grief or sadness in its place, for sadness or grief isn't what I'm warned to not be found in at sundown.  It's anger..  Why?  What's the rush?  So the devil doesn't get any space into the equation.  Anger by itself isn't giving the devil a foothold.  Holding onto it is.  I can allow anger to trigger me in getting the help I need to get rid of it, and get rid of it fast.  Not to hide it, conceal it, stuff it or deny it.  To get RID of it.

Anger is like a malignant tumor.  If I deny anger's existence and allow it to fester in me, it allows it to grow while being masked.  I need to be aware and acknowledge its presence before I can remove it.

I'm learning that anger is much safer when it's confined and/or redefined as grief or sadness.  Much safer.  I can mourn, and I can then be comforted.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."  Matthew 5:4

The earth is constantly rotating.  The sun will eventually go down, no matter what I choose to do or not with my anger.  Time alone doesn't get rid of anger, it nurtures and often masks it.  I must be actively moving towards getting rid of my anger, not waiting for the feeling to pass on its own.

What happens when the sun goes down?  Natural light fades and darkness takes over.  Sure, we have the moonlight, but that isn't nearly as illuminating as the sunlight.  Much can still hide when the moon is out.  I'm much more prone to stumble by moonlight vs. sunlight.  I need the light of the sun to guide me clearly, and it's only available for a certain period of time each day.  I better take full advantage of that time while I'm being provided light from the sun.  Numbing out doesn't work.  For me, it means confining it to grief.  It's easier for me to safely mourn over grief, than to vent out of anger.  I create less damage while grieving pain versus venting in anger.  But that's just me.

How do I sin in my anger?  By cursing someone out?  By getting revenge?  -Perhaps, but it all starts in holding onto my anger and not quickly trying to get rid of it while not sinning.  I'm learning to get rid of it by accepting pain (not running from it) and grieving over it, instead of denying pain and feeling pissed or irritated so easily.  It hurts more in the front end, but in the long run it's much better for me and others.  Much.

I'm not sure if there's an exact deadline I have in getting rid of my anger.  That would change every day because the sun sets at a different time each night.  My understanding of the point being made here is to not delay in getting rid of my anger, because the sun will soon go down, within 24 hours at lest.  The longer I put it off, the more I'm at risk for sinning in my anger, giving the devil a foothold.

It's not necessarily a particular "action" that sets me up to sin in my anger...it's rather INACTION on the front end of being angry.  It's risky business to not do anything about it on the front end.

Anger can motivate me to work on getting rid of it at the first awareness I have of it.  And I want to be aware of it as it arises, for I do not want to give the devil a foothold.  Managing my anger is about taking ACTION as I'm aware of its presence, not inaction.  And by accepting grief in its place.

Anger + Inaction + Time = a perfect recipe for sin and giving the devil a foothold.