-Step 8 of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
The first step I take is to make a list of all persons I've harmed. Ironically, the list has already been started. I just pull out my "resentments" list from my 4th step moral inventory, and I'll find I have a good start to this list of persons I've harmed. Out of the varying resentments I feel towards others, from long ago or not so long ago, I most likely will have hurt these people in either passive or aggressive ways, or a combination of being passive-aggressive.
Ouch. My status of victim is being undermined, and the credibility underlying my feelings of entitled finger pointing primarily out instead of in is being challenged. Ouch. Makes me want to cry victim all the more.
This is not about blaming the victim. It isn't about blame. It's about taking responsibility and ownership by reclaiming my life from a place of empowerment, not powerlessness. In Step 1, it was critical for me to admit powerlessness. In doing Steps 2 and 3, my powerlessness has been admitted and surrendered to my Higher Power's power. If it were up to just me calling the shots, I wouldn't want to think of people I've hurt, let alone make direct amends to them, on the way to being empowered. But that is the way of my Higher Power, which I've chosen as Jesus Christ, being at work through my surrender.
In order to remove the shame that will trigger my defensiveness from being enlisted, I must practice rigorous honesty with humility, which prepares me to approach doing the second part of Step 8;
"....and became willing to make amends to them all."
I've been hurt by others, and I myself have also hurt others. My actions or in-actions that have harmed others is something I am not proud of. On the contrary, I'm quite ashamed and would rather just let bygones be bygones and move on without any further ado. That is what I'm used to doing, and how has that worked? -Not too well. In order for me to feel supported and not threatened or offended as I face into the ways I've harmed others, I must first forgive myself. When I have become willing to make amends to all who I've harmed, I do it from a place of acknowledging my character defects and shortcomings, but not being defined by them. I can incorporate self-acceptance when my actions or behaviors no longer are defining me, to myself, having been guided by doing a Step 6:
"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
and Step 7:
"Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."
Out of trusting that I've been forgiven by my Higher Power (vertical forgiveness), I can extend self-forgiveness and go about my way in making things right horizontally with my fellow human beings (making amends), as best I can. The reward is inherent, not dependent on the outcome of my making amends. The faith I have that I am forgiven is acted out by me taking action to make amends with those I've harmed. I make amends for my own sake, not for the sake of winning favor with others. If I do that, I cannot afford to have them reject my amends or not fully accept them the way I want. I cannot afford their freedom to respond the way they choose to. I co-sign my being in bondage to how the person responds. This becomes dangerous to me and my recovery/path of transformation. My motives need to support my recovery, by making amends out of a willingness and sincere humility, not out of a manipulation tactic to get into good graces with those I've hurt. The person I make amends to owes me nothing in return. If I have ulterior motives that demands that they now owe me something, I am digging a hole for myself to fall into. If I believe I'm making amends for their sake, it's hard to not expect to be repaid or rewarded in return.. If I do it for my own sake, I can reward myself in knowing I've done the right thing for the right reason -to clean up my side of the street. If anyone owes anything, it's me owing them my gratitude for giving me the opportunity to hear my attempt to make amends for the harm I've caused. I leave the results in God's hands.
These reflections were spawned by reading, Twelve Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone: Choosing Emotional Sobriety through Self-Awareness and Right Action by Allen Berger, PhD. -Awesome, awesome book by the way, for not only those in recovery, but those who have a desire to grow and change into their best selves.
Disclaimer: My referring to the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous does not indicate that what I share represents Alcoholics Anonymous. What I share here is representative of my own thoughts at the time of sharing them.
Also, per my own sponsor and the collective wisdom of others in recovery - don't ever attempt to do a Step 9 alone, without the help of your sponsor.
