Dawn of a Spiritual Awakening

At my very core, before I was a "sinner" I was intentionally created in the image and likeness of God, my Creator.  I was born bearing His image, crafted to crave and have my cravings satisfied through receiving His love.  So simple, yet here we are in a world that is so broken, but there are those whom are awakening to the basics.  I am one of them, one day at a time, I am waking up. 

When I've come to see that God desires me to be receiving what I was created to receive, which is a love that feels so safe and secure and of which my body, mind and spirit holistically absorbs and fully processes, I can surrender life itself, under His care.

I'm seeing that there's a natural flow that results, that entirely transforms the basis or starting point within my own inner life in which I enter into relationships from.  This isn't as obvious to me when I'm living less than mindfully, and am unaware of my own inner life, or when I'm on auto-pilot.  It's likely I will also be met with certain people who are well adjusted to my auto-pilot form of living, to feel offended and thrown off guard by this shift, because it's so unnatural and unexpected.  Another reason this may upset the usual flow of my relationships is that it significantly diminishes the amount of power I give away to others to control and manipulate me, largely because it collapses the need that's driven by my false-self.  When this false-self is in the driver's seat of my life, my subconscious codependent, self-sabotaging survival skills are calling the shots.  When these shots are no longer being called, my natural propensity to control and manipulate others has been hugely disabled.

I see my humanity having so many rich meanings.  First off, my native origins are in the garden of Eden, even though I experience the reality of being born and raised outside of the garden of Eden.  When I say garden of Eden, what I'm referring to is simply paradise, where there's unbroken fellowship with God, self, others and creation and where shame is not experienced.  In this current world's reality, it doesn't take long after a baby has been born, to feel fear.  There's a disconnect or a gap between the experiences which I was created to need and have met, and the feeling a newborn experiences within their relationships outside of Eden, even with the most loving and well-attuned parents.  As far as I'm aware, newborn babies feel fear, even though they are safely being cared for, there is no way for a newborn to communicate explicitly what their needs are and immediately have the parent be able to meet them on an ongoing basis.  When an attuned parent attempts to meet the baby's needs, there is still a level of guesswork.  There is a felt gap or a disconnect, and parents are powerless to prevent their newborn from feeling that gap for too long, no matter how nurturing and attuned they are to their newborn. 

The shift in this basis of my survival needs being dependent on other people who feel familiar to me (usually emotionally unavailable people) to meet my needs, are gradually being shifted over to the care of God, as I understand God.  Often, He uses people to meet this need in me, but they are conduits of His love and provision, not independent sources.

As a recovering codependent, I'm coming to see that I've spent pretty much all of my child and adult life negotiating relationships with usually emotionally unavailable people, based on my survival needs, instead of trusting these needs to the care of God.  It is because the God of my understanding wasn't so trustworthy, even though I intellectually assented to that belief.

I still live in a world which I broadly describe as a place outside of the garden of Eden, far from the paradise of my native homeland, but am learning to thrive in this world, not just survive.  I'm currently a foreigner, taking residence in a foreign land.  It's a foreign spiritual dimension of living on earth, which has been so greatly corrupted from its original design.  I wasn't created to find spiritual solidarity in this world that's outside of the garden of Eden, which does not fully manifest the presence of God, and the absence of sin, death and decay.  This is my "home away from home", but I will be going home one day.  For now, I am studying abroad, how to walk by faith, in a broken world that only has glimpses of paradise that are seen and felt.  This is the world after sin, which is under the reign of Satan, sin and death, and before the kingdom come of God's will being fully done on earth.

As I live and study "abroad", I'm now aware that I have a false-self to be the master over in this foreign world, in place of me being mastered by this false-self, mainly through denial.  I have come to realize that I have either proudly or ashamedly identified with this false-self, out of not being aware of my true self.  Being awakened to, and made consciously aware of my inner life, has been playing a very active and vivid role in my recovery at the present time of me writing this post. 

A Spiritual awakening is where I come out of my denial and wake up to who I truly am, at a core and spiritual level, not identifying with the false self as my true-self.  The false-self has been created out of a subconscious survival need that still gets relied upon when trusting only God is not my consciously chosen survival mechanism.  My relationships with others then gets perceived through the lens of pain and wanting to stop or decrease the painful ripple effects of not fully trusting in God.  My feedback loop of pain is getting shorter and shorter, which is great training for getting me back to consciously choosing to put myself under God's care, as I understand Him. This circumvents my relationships getting evaluated based on how much others can meet my needs.  These needs are the invisible frame I see people through, whether I am aware or in denial of it.  This way of seeing people and relationships has been so natural and familiar, that it was extremely hard to see through the denial.

As I'm becoming aware of the denial, I'm realizing it's just the dawn of a spiritual awakening for me.  I can recover and learn to trust in God to meet my needs.  I'm learning that He often does this through people, and to experience this without trusting in people in place of God, one day at a time.  Even though I'm also seeing that this may cause an upset to some of my current relationships, because it doesn't register on our previously unspoken, but implicitly agreed upon, relational barter system.  I am better off for it though, and so are others I'm in relationship with.

Jesus lived like this. And he died because of it.  The life he lived was interpreted as highly offensive and upsetting.  It bucked the spiritual system of group think that feeds off of successfully selling the illusion of needing to need certain people in certain places and gaining their favor, including especially God's, by practicing certain practices and/or believing certain beliefs, all doing this as a substitute for trusting in God. .  

Living this way will likely cost me, but I am well fed when I feed off of God's provisions for me, and not trying to substitute my own version for his provisions.  Jesus did basically say, "eat me" because He's the bread of life, (John 6:35).

Before, I was so unaware that I could easily be busy and preoccupied, yet rarely present in each moment.  Many, not excluding me, can appear from afar, to have life figured out, but not seeming to make it work for long.  Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, there are countless ways in numbing out of feeling feelings, and staying in denial.

The dawn of this spiritual awakening is waking me up from the anesthesia of denial.  I'm now desiring and starting to experience living my life in a conscious and present way with God, myself and others, one day at at time.

Spiritual Quest-ioning

I am a complex being, consisting of mind, body and spirit.  My mind and body are what's presented to the outer world; what you can see, size up and evaluate, based on your own criteria and grading system.  You can hear my mind being expressed through words and can come into contact with my mind in that venue, that is what you are doing when you read this, its my mind, trying to explain my spirit, using words.

My body is made up of physical material, you can see it and touch it, and sometimes...you can smell it.  Each part of me is unique and distinguishable from the other parts, yet operate in relationship to one another.  My mind is connected to my body, my body is connected to my mind and my mind and body are connected to my spirit.  The more I acknowledge this and cooperate with this reality, I will experience harmony and wholeness.  The more I try and defy and deny this reality, the more dis-ease and disharmony I will experience, and perhaps will try to numb out from having to experience this reality.

My spirit is unseen to the physical eyes, and depending on either how whole or fragmented I am within, my spirit will be connecting likewise to others and their spirits.

My spirit isn't completely mysterious and elusive, though it's not made up of physical material.  My spirit is my authentic self.  It is who I am, not what I do, what I have, and what I look like on the outside.  My spirit transcends all elements of physical characteristics, yet is true and real, just as my body and brain are real.  My spirit was given to me through another spirit, and that is the spirit of my Creator.  My spirit is what mirrors the likeness of my Creator.

In knowing my spirit, and acknowledging my spirit, is to know and acknowledge my Creator.  This is what I have experienced and come to realize as I remove the barriers of shame and pride, as I integrate my mind, body and spirit with one another....

My spirit has deep longings.  My spirit longs to be loved, to be known, to be seen, to not only be acknowledged, but to be profoundly valued and cherished.  My spirit longs to be made alive as I experience the longings being met, one day at a time, one moment at a time.  Shame and pride keep the barriers up which prevent me from to acknowledging this reality, because then vulnerability is seen as an insane risk.

As long as I am alive in my body and mind, my spirit will be relentless in the pursuit of its longings.  My spirit does not long to solely identify with a gender of being male nor female, for my spirit transcends those physical elements and cannot be constrained within those, but acknowledges those as valuable parts of my body, and therefore parts of my spirit.  My spirit does not long to fully find its identity and fulfillment within an ethnic race, for it transcends those visible characteristics which my spirit finds too confining, though a valuable part of my mind and body.  Because my body and mind do not find the former characteristic too confining, my spirit does acknowledge and accept these present elements, but my spirit does not find ultimate rest in them, because those are all temporary, and my spirit is eternal, but can still appropriately value the temporary, without shaming and disowning those temporary parts.

Spiritual consists of the activity in the realm of the spiritual,
Mental consists of the activity in the realm of the mental,
Physical consists of the activity in the realm of the physical.

Wholeness consists of the activity in the realm of integration of these realms.  Me being open to the life that consists of integrating my inner and outer being has been the ongoing results of me experiencing pain, and coming into conscious contact with a Power greater than myself who I've found to be worthy of my spirit's trust and can find rest in.  His name is Jesus.

P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess

This song is to help usher you into my inner world, to see things from my world for a brief moment.  My dysfunctional relationship with evangelical Christianity, which includes shadows of my trauma/emotional abuse being projected onto Jesus and my overwhelming experiences with Christians supporting that projection, not disarming it.

If you are too uncomfortable getting behind my eyes for a brief moment, you may not want to watch this video.  While I do appreciate being able to appropriately accommodate others with their tolerance level in mind, I'm not remaining silent and keeping this to myself concerning this post.  I've spent most of my life doing that, and it often involved me shutting down in shame.  It's the environment that feels hauntingly familiar to me - being surrounded by people whom I want to get me, yet are uncomfortable with getting me.  I learned to survive by hiding in shame and discovering which mask made others feel most comfortable, then wore it so I could feel accepted by making others at ease.  I've learned that many people, not excluding evangelical Christians, appreciate masks.

Pink's voice represents mine, speaking of my perception of jesus.  The male voice in this song represents jesus; not the real jesus, but the jesus that's represented by the majority of my experiences with Christians.  He is sweet, charming, passionate, confident, and invalidating.  Cognitively, I know better then to believe this is how jesus really is, but subconsciously - there's little difference.  Unfortunately, it's been my overall experience in the church but won't be the defining experience, so help me God.  The voices of Christians validate the inner voices of shame, instead of demolishes them, then places blame on the wounded for being wounded.  The struggle between me and this pull towards unhealthy and emotionally stifling religion that's purported feels hauntingly familiar.  The syrupy invalidation is suffocating me, slowly but surely.

As I fight to not throw the baby out with the bathwater (Jesus) and his authentic voice, I realize He is the one fighting for me, not against me.  The authentic voice of Jesus is not neutral, it doesn't complicity agree with the voices of shame.

The branch of Christianity that stems from using God and certain interpretations of Bible verses to hide and deny their feelings as if that is spiritual, is an addiction.  I am in recovery myself from this insidious addiction.  I will no longer conform.  That "gospel" is confining, not liberating, and is really no gospel at all.


"Just Give Me A Reason"

Right from the start you were a thief
You stole my heart and I, your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep 
Oh oh things you never say to me
Oh oh tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again 

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everything
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah but this is happening)

You've been havin' real bad dreams 
Oh oh you used to lie so close to me
Oh oh there's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love our love oh our love our love

Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped, you're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh tear ducts and rust I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust but our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean 

Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again 

Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again 

Ooh we can learn to love again 
Ooh we can learn to love again
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Preying or Praying? Recovery from Spiritual Traps of Pseudo-Spirituality

To women, whether you bear children or not; the fall of mankind, which I call the original spiritual trauma (versus original sin), resulted in a "curse" or as I put it in my own words, the aftershock or "post-traumatic-stress-disorder" symptoms.  For women, these symptoms were described in Genesis...and this particular one is universal for women, not just women who give birth to babies...

"Your desire will be for your husband,

and he will rule over you."  - Genesis 3:16

Now let me break this down...

I'm learning that my deepest desires or longings are not bad, in and of themselves.  That is what makes me alive and human, made in the image of my Maker.  That is the homing device that will bring me to spiritually experiencing God.  

The subtle danger with desire is not that they exist, and I acknowledge them by voicing them, but it is what or whom I falsely believe is the ultimate source of fulfilling that desire.  Whatever I identify as the source for fulfilling my deepest longings and desires, that is what will rule over me, for better or for worse.  Just as a heroin addict's cravings are linked to being satisfied by using more heroin, which reinforces the destructive addiction cycle to heroin, so is whatever false source I identify as satisfying my deepest desires and longings.  The true source I'm starting to experience, is in having a deepening and ongoing spiritual awakening, dependent on getting my life from experiencing God who is fully represented in Jesus, as He relates to the true and authentic me, not the false ego I've learned to create for surviving in a broken world.

My understanding is that the symptom (curse) of the original spiritual trauma (sin) separated us from God. This fragmented our ability to experience the reality of God, our true/authentic selves, and the true/authentic selves of others, from coexisting in harmony from being fulfilled by God, with the absence of shame.  Shame leads to hiding our true/authentic vulnerable selves, which leads to us wearing clothes or masks of various forms of  false-selves (egos) that relate to God, self and others.  From relating to a distorted image of God and ourselves, a spiritually traumatic disruption or loss occurred, which has impacted us physically and emotionally as well, for we are not just one dimensional beings (men and women).  For women specifically, it plays out in her closest relationships.  Women's desires for enjoying her closest relationships puts a high value on relationships.  This is how women reflect the image of God, for God greatly desires and values relationships.  This is my current interpretation of the "curse" that women experience, the aftershocks of not related to the true God and seeing herself as God sees her - which is just how he sees man - as very good.

If I'm married, the "fix" may be sought out through my husband, as I attempt (consciously or subconsciously) to get my husband to fulfill me, or it will be with whatever relationship(s) I have where I carry a high expectation or dependency for being fulfilled through.  That relational vehicle can be disguised through my career, a ministry, a degree/accolade, or whatever boils down to the relationship(s) that matter most to me, when it comes to a dependency of how I think others will think of me.

The more "good" this vehicle is judged to be by my subconscious, the more insidious.  If the vehicle is for me to be seen as a "Do-Gooder" or as a good mom, wife, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist, or politician, I will likely feed off of those people who also value that same vehicle for seeking fulfilment through.  It is of my current opinion, based on my own experience and observation, that religion is one of the most dangerous addictions around.  Why?  Because it is so damn insidious and subtle, it rarely even gets flagged as an addiction.  

Religious addicts who are the most addicted are those who are in high places (whether that high place is within their own ego or purported by others within their religion or religious community) and rarely take questioning seriously because of their position/status.  It's especially concerning when specific criticism of religious addicts is dismissed without a thorough exploration and acknowledgment, and the person speaking out about the problem then becomes the problem, for speaking out about the problem.  The "don't talk", "don't question leaders" unspoken rule is a classical sign of a religious addiction supported by a spiritually oppressive system made up of people who survive on denial of reality, and must include scapegoating anyone who tries to buck the system.

"For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ.  And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.  It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness.  Their end will be what their actions deserve." 
- 2 Corinthians 11:13-15

Personally, I've had experience on both sides.  I've identified myself as a recovering Pharisee, which is basically a religious codependent on crack.  I was high off self-righteousness that was based primarily on a cognitive knowledge or understanding of God as I cognitively knew him, with a weak/repressed experientially based spirituality.  It wasn't until my "self-righteous" house of cards came tumbling down a couple years ago, that I saw this addiction for what it was, an insidious vehicle that started out to serve me well, which someone turned into the master that ruled over me, as I desired to get what I already had in the first place - unconditional love from God, as I am.

Me hitting bottom with my house of religious cards crashing down was the best gift I could have received, for it became my admission ticket to recovery, and having the opportunity to see and admit that to myself, God and trusted others.   Up until me hitting bottom, the God of my understanding was not the same as Jesus who is revealed in the gospels, even though I had identified myself as a Christian, I wasn't experiencing Jesus, but more the highs of smoking the religion of  "Christianity"...very different.  I definitely had my real moments of spirituality, but they were repressed and discounted by me primarily studying and esteeming my intellectual assent of believing in God.  My God was not only Jesus, it was also a false and easily offended god, that became an addiction to win his favor, because it never could touch or fill in the deep crevices of my longings to come into contact with the living God, by experiencing His Spirit, one day at a time, being fused with mine.

Recovery from being an evangelical pharisee is allowing my spirit to be awakened, albeit imperfectly, but progressively, one day at a time.  Those who run, walk, jump and limp with me on this recovery journey are a huge asset to me, as they humbly allow me to be of service to them, and as they reciprocate that service to me in humility as well.  

As I walk with others on this spiritual journey on earth, I hope to remember to ask myself everyday: "Today, am I praying for people?  Or am I preying on people?"  It's a question that must be answered in rigorous honesty, without shame.  It's the difference between pseudo-spirituality which is a trap, or authentic spirituality, which is life-giving and freeing.  I'm learning to discern the difference between the two, because at first they seem very similar, until I break an unspoken rule in questioning those in leadership, which is a screaming red flag that it is a pseudo-false spiritual system I'm coming up against.  When I realize I've done all I can to fit in, but cannot without shutting down and shutting up in the name of a christian virtue, like "forgiveness" or "reconciliation", my next move is to accept reality on reality's terms and if that includes the reality that I cannot change the system, I must surrender it to God and move one, walking in my integrity, while practicing right-relatedness.  This is hard.  This is what Jesus ultimately lived and died by, and is what saved us.  He was a recipient of spiritual abuse and encountered a religious system that was meant to set captives free, but instead affirmed their shame.  He was a threat to those in leadership over that system, and was eventually crucified for boldly challenging it and not shutting up.  Man, if Jesus only would have let go of his hurts and resentments, and just forgave those he was accusing, then he probably would have been just fine, and not been crucified.

Jesus is my example.  Who feels safest with me?  Those in the "majority" who benefit from group think?  Or those in the minority, who are marginalized and easily scapegoated as being severely-wounded or as in Jesus' days, the Lepers, sinners, tax collectors and prostitutes?  Self-examination bearing this question in mind will tell me if I'm preying on the vulnerable or if I'm praying for the vulnerable, while being willing to be used to help set them free, as I identify myself as one of them, who has been set free myself by the grace of Jesus and the message of the gospel.

To the Trauma Mamas (and Papas) - From a Trauma Baby All Grown Up...

There are countless moms (and dads) who are trying their best to connect with their children who've experienced complex trauma/attachment disorganization, aka. RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  Some are foster parents or adoptive parents, or are in another way weaved closely into a child's life who desperately needs an adult caregiver to get them, but will not cannot facilitate that on their own.  On the contrary, as a result of these children surviving early trauma, they've learned to protect and fight to protect themselves from experiencing that which they so desperately need, but fear most: secure attachment through unconditional love and acceptance, as they are fully being known, which includes their inner wounds from primarily being survivors of trauma, without them even knowing it themselves.

As a survivor of this particular trauma myself, I'm aware of how most people I've observed who've never experienced this themselves, take for granted knowing or having a relationship (albeit imperfect and sometimes messy) with their birth mother and/or birth father.  My observation isn't an indictment, it's an awareness I've only had the opportunity to have because I've not had the experience of knowing from where or from whom I come from, I've often wished I had the chance to take that experience for granted though.

It's from a place of my own growing self-awareness that ushers in healing, and from the support of a safe and loving community where I can experience healing, not just study, read or hear about it.

These are my most recent reflections on this journey of where I'm at.  I share it out of the hope and strong desire to help heal others who can relate to certain parts of my story.  Why?  -Because by authentically sharing my story, it also mysteriously helps heal me.


I'm an adult Korean adoptee, with her own children, trying to figure life out... 
In living with "RAD" myself, I want to say it's better described as "PMAA" (protect myself against attachment). Please read this as I share my inner parts....perhaps you will see parts of your children in my experience, including your own inner child....

I am not for myself as much as I need me to be. My inner child needs a strong parent, a strong mother. I am the best mother for her, yet I've been trying to find her a replacement because I feel insecure and not strong enough. But nobody else will do. As long as I'm still alive, that role is for me. When I'm abandoning that role and abandoning my inner child out of fear and shame, whether it's induced by an external or internal process, I'm realizing I'm unsafe to her, and others who don't fit the bill will be also.  A telltale sign of me trying to sign another woman up (or accepting another woman's signing themselves up) to be my inner child's mother is me taking everything they say and do very personally, extracting shame from their not measuring up (whether it's done out of clear or unclear motives), and digesting the shame myself. That shame is familiar to me, but it is poison to my soul. 

I was first fed this shame from being relinquished by my birth mother, which was how I was introduced to this world -through abandonment and shame. That became my first experience relationally speaking, and as a newborn, my survival depended on a securely-attached relationship with my birth mother, which I never got. I had at least two other foster mothers within the first year of my life, including a hospitalization in between foster homes.  My adoptive mother never visibly abandoned me, but I felt like she did, it was just invisible, but I could not connect to her as if I was her own birth child, so I felt abandoned, even though I was unaware of it.  I was emotionally starving for a strong and loving mother to fight to win me over and then create a secure-attachment based on trust that was earned, that was heavily fought for. My birth mother had it easiest to create that bond with me, that safe relationship where I wouldn't need to fear for my own survival. For whatever reason, she gave me up, when there was no resistance present in needing to win me over.  I would've been easily bonded to her, if she was willing and able to facilitate that with me as an infant. As a result of losing that relationship and not experiencing a safe woman as my mother, I had to survive on my own. I had to protect myself, because there was nobody else doing that for me. The only way I knew how to do that was to build walls around my heart, to never have my heart shattered again by someone I needed to love and care for me. 

It's with these walls, I came to live with my adoptive parents. My birth mother had harmed me through relinquishing me, and I've spent almost all of my life blaming and shaming myself for depending on her and needing her. I'm now becoming conscious of that which I've done subconsciously for all my life.  It was my need for her that I thought was dangerous and unsafe, not that she was unable, for whatever reason, to meet that need.  My heart learned the lesson that needing a mother or caregiver was unsafe, and I carried this lesson and applied it to my adoptive mom. She was the one whom I needed to fight FOR me, not against me. All my behaviors set her up to fight me though, and every time she fought against me, I would be re-assured that I was doing the best thing for my survival, to see that any need to need my mom, or receive love from her was dangerous.

As an adult, I'm healing from this...one day, one struggle, one fight, one victory at a time...learning that my need to need me to be a strong and loving mother to my inner child will never die, as long as I'm alive. And that truth is something that applies to all humans, whether they can be categorized as birth children, planned children, unplanned, unwanted, biological, not biological, abandoned, relinquished, or adopted.

RAD? It's reactive alright, but its not a disorder, it's a survival skill they had to learn or they would probably be dead by now.

To all the trauma mamas (and papas):
Keep fighting the good fight, and yes, it is definitely a fight, and it's most definitely a good fight worth fighting.