I do not easily trust.
I struggle to varying degrees to trust:
people, namely myself,
my perspective,
my surroundings,
my environment,
my judgment,
my insights,
my feelings,
my thoughts.
I struggle in varying degrees to trust other people's:
perspectives,
judgments,
insights,
feelings,
thoughts,
facial expressions,
body language,
words,
and actions.
This is not a pre-meditated fear or a pre-meditated mistrust towards life. It's much more pervasive than that. The need to meditate in order for fear to function isn't needed. It's present and active while on auto-pilot. It's there on default. While on the contrary, it takes far more pre-meditation to consciously choose not to fear, and instead to trust.
I fear the consequences of trusting in what I see or in what is shown to me. I fear I'll be believing lies or drawing false conclusions based on what seemed to be true to me. Why? My first experiences in life made a lasting footprint by trusting the untrustworthy which has robbed me of a center, an anchor, a reference point, a refuge, a sense of safety in accepting reality as it is, and most of all - an identity.
In order to survive the trauma of abandonment by my birth mother during my first year of life in Korea, and being re-traumatized by having no solid attachment to my adoptive parents here, a split had to occur. I had to part ways from reality, because accepting life on life's terms was dangerous and life-threatening to that child, which was me. A false-self was then born out of the need to survive and accept life on life's terms. This false-self was created, from the drive to survive (not thrive) during my formative childhood years, when foundational bonding and attachment take place. There is great terror and fear in letting go of this false-self, for she has been the source of where any sense of identity I've related to has existed. The "invisible control panel" for how I've interacted with life has been fiercely protected and sanctioned to the corners of the "sub-conscious drive" of my brain. The need to part ways and differentiate from this false self, is becoming very apparent. It feels terrifying though, because I do not yet fully know who I am apart from this false-identity which has been ingeniously created by the need to survive trauma which has been played out through much of my life. The locusts have eaten much - but the Lord is in the process of redeeming it all - (Joel 2:25-27).
This false-self or false-identity (I use these terms interchangeably) isn't evil. She isn't "bad". I'm learning to not judge her or shame her anymore, for this just reinforces the lie that she's still needed for protection. Think about it, if the false-self receives shame, what would happen to the true or authentic-self (used interchangeably) who still feels very vulnerable and fragile, if she were the one to receive this shame instead? -Profound pain. The true-self has believed she needs the protection of the false-self to absorb the shame so she can hide safely behind the front of the false-self. That was a survival tactic, which is no longer working in my favor. Far from it. Though the false-self is not "bad" or "evil"- she is not pure, as in she has intermixed with other personalities or personas than what was originally created in the beginning in her pure form. This is a result of an operation system functioning on false values - the corruption of humanity's dethroned spiritual position in creation due to the fall.
I will explain further:
The false-self is an adulterated version of the authentic-true self. I'm using the word "adulterate"a s a verb, not a noun. The definition provided by Merriam-Webster for the action word "Adulterate": to corrupt, debase, or make impure by the addition of a foreign or inferior substance or element; especially: to prepare for sale by replacing more valuable with less valuable or inert ingredients."
In my own words: It's the outcome of having the presence of at least one additive contaminating our identity, often without our full awareness.
I will explain further:
The false-self is an adulterated version of the authentic-true self. I'm using the word "adulterate"a s a verb, not a noun. The definition provided by Merriam-Webster for the action word "Adulterate": to corrupt, debase, or make impure by the addition of a foreign or inferior substance or element; especially: to prepare for sale by replacing more valuable with less valuable or inert ingredients."
In my own words: It's the outcome of having the presence of at least one additive contaminating our identity, often without our full awareness.
Funny how the word "adult" is in this word. I instantly think of the opposite of an adult -a child. An adult is the adulterated version of what was once purely a child; which is the pure and authentic self, before any additives or unnatural or inauthentic; elements, personalities, identities, or components have been mixed in, debasing what was once a purely organic identity (or race of identities) created uniquely by the Creator Himself, to reflect His own authentic image.
The word "truth" means to simply uncover. Who am I when uncovered by this false-self? I cannot only be rid of the false self. For my interpretation of the following words from Jesus warns me of only taking half-measures:
"When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and in order. Then he goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first." -Matthew 12:43-45
My "house" is to be occupied by the true-authentic self, not to be swept clean and put in order. For the true and authentic-self residing inside is only bound up with the goal of keeping the house swept clean and in order. When it's occupied, especially by children, it is often not clean and in order. But it is being occupied. And perhaps when the false self comes back, it will clearly see evidence that this house is now occupied. Granted, it'll be messy and not in order, but this will clearly communicate "no vacancy" and the false self, or as the term used in this Scripture "the impure spirit" will move on.
Fear casts out love. Fear causes trepidation when personal rejection or shame is anticipated (consciously or sub-consciously). When fear is behind the steering wheel, the authentic-self goes hiding behind the false-adulterated self. Why? -Because it was created to receive and then give love. And perfect love casts out fear just as effectively as fear casts out perfect love. The way the the authentic-self "copes" when operating out of fear is by creating the false-self to help absorb any rejection or shame that opposes love. But when the authentic-self is being nurtured with truth and grace, the false self can take an early retirement. The defensive tactics that involve the role of the false-self is no longer needed. The false-self helps to absorb rejection and shame, but also absorbs and circumvents authentic love being fully received by the authentic-self. What is the main qualifier for the false-self being needed? -Fear's high position. When fear is de-throned, the false-self is out of a job.
The "love" or recognition the false-self receives is withheld from the authentic-self, because IT is first in line and gets first dibs. This creates an often undetected barrier to intimacy by blocking authentic love going out and coming in; from God, self and others.
What then, will protect the true-authentic self from absorbing shame and rejection if the false-self is removed? Humility. Humility voluntarily assumes the lowest place in the pecking order. Why? -Because it's not buying into the popular notion that the need to one-up others in order to be somebody is at all necessary. In fact, humility opens the eyes to seeing it as an utter waste of precious time.
The rules of the Humility Game state that the one who comes in last wins the race. Huh? Yes, that's right. The one who's last is first. Therefore there's no striving to beat others and be over and above them in order to win. Being considered last by others isn't a threat when that is not being seen as a threat to victory. This isn't about personal worth and value. When you know the truth of your personal worth and value and operate out of that, humility doesn't seem like such a scary and unwanted character trait to either be faked or repelled.
If we fear loosing that which we are convinced is needed in order to win (one-upping others), fear then wins. If we do not fear loosing, because that is life's best kept secret to truly winning in this life, then the false-self becomes extra baggage that's only going to cause me burn-out for expensive diminishing returns.
Invest into the stock market that supports and profits the authentic-self in returns for eternal dividends that result in increasing inner-peace, one day at a time.
In the Kingdom of God, as I'm beginning to perceive it - the rules of the game are completely different than the rules of the game in the kingdoms of the earth. Because the value system is completely different. The Kingdom of God turns over the rules of the kingdoms of the earth on their head, and turns loosing into a winning edge.
Fear is no longer needed in perfect love, because perfect love casts out fear.
