At my very core, before I was a "sinner" I was intentionally created in the image and likeness of God, my Creator. I was born bearing His image, crafted to crave and have my cravings satisfied through receiving His love. So simple, yet here we are in a world that is so broken, but there are those whom are awakening to the basics. I am one of them, one day at a time, I am waking up.
When I've come to see that God desires me to be receiving what I was created to receive, which is a love that feels so safe and secure and of which my body, mind and spirit holistically absorbs and fully processes, I can surrender life itself, under His care.
I'm seeing that there's a natural flow that results, that entirely transforms the basis or starting point within my own inner life in which I enter into relationships from. This isn't as obvious to me when I'm living less than mindfully, and am unaware of my own inner life, or when I'm on auto-pilot. It's likely I will also be met with certain people who are well adjusted to my auto-pilot form of living, to feel offended and thrown off guard by this shift, because it's so unnatural and unexpected. Another reason this may upset the usual flow of my relationships is that it significantly diminishes the amount of power I give away to others to control and manipulate me, largely because it collapses the need that's driven by my false-self. When this false-self is in the driver's seat of my life, my subconscious codependent, self-sabotaging survival skills are calling the shots. When these shots are no longer being called, my natural propensity to control and manipulate others has been hugely disabled.
I see my humanity having so many rich meanings. First off, my native origins are in the garden of Eden, even though I experience the reality of being born and raised outside of the garden of Eden. When I say garden of Eden, what I'm referring to is simply paradise, where there's unbroken fellowship with God, self, others and creation and where shame is not experienced. In this current world's reality, it doesn't take long after a baby has been born, to feel fear. There's a disconnect or a gap between the experiences which I was created to need and have met, and the feeling a newborn experiences within their relationships outside of Eden, even with the most loving and well-attuned parents. As far as I'm aware, newborn babies feel fear, even though they are safely being cared for, there is no way for a newborn to communicate explicitly what their needs are and immediately have the parent be able to meet them on an ongoing basis. When an attuned parent attempts to meet the baby's needs, there is still a level of guesswork. There is a felt gap or a disconnect, and parents are powerless to prevent their newborn from feeling that gap for too long, no matter how nurturing and attuned they are to their newborn.
I'm seeing that there's a natural flow that results, that entirely transforms the basis or starting point within my own inner life in which I enter into relationships from. This isn't as obvious to me when I'm living less than mindfully, and am unaware of my own inner life, or when I'm on auto-pilot. It's likely I will also be met with certain people who are well adjusted to my auto-pilot form of living, to feel offended and thrown off guard by this shift, because it's so unnatural and unexpected. Another reason this may upset the usual flow of my relationships is that it significantly diminishes the amount of power I give away to others to control and manipulate me, largely because it collapses the need that's driven by my false-self. When this false-self is in the driver's seat of my life, my subconscious codependent, self-sabotaging survival skills are calling the shots. When these shots are no longer being called, my natural propensity to control and manipulate others has been hugely disabled.
I see my humanity having so many rich meanings. First off, my native origins are in the garden of Eden, even though I experience the reality of being born and raised outside of the garden of Eden. When I say garden of Eden, what I'm referring to is simply paradise, where there's unbroken fellowship with God, self, others and creation and where shame is not experienced. In this current world's reality, it doesn't take long after a baby has been born, to feel fear. There's a disconnect or a gap between the experiences which I was created to need and have met, and the feeling a newborn experiences within their relationships outside of Eden, even with the most loving and well-attuned parents. As far as I'm aware, newborn babies feel fear, even though they are safely being cared for, there is no way for a newborn to communicate explicitly what their needs are and immediately have the parent be able to meet them on an ongoing basis. When an attuned parent attempts to meet the baby's needs, there is still a level of guesswork. There is a felt gap or a disconnect, and parents are powerless to prevent their newborn from feeling that gap for too long, no matter how nurturing and attuned they are to their newborn.
The shift in this basis of my survival needs being dependent on other people who feel familiar to me (usually emotionally unavailable people) to meet my needs, are gradually being shifted over to the care of God, as I understand God. Often, He uses people to meet this need in me, but they are conduits of His love and provision, not independent sources.
As a recovering codependent, I'm coming to see that I've spent pretty much all of my child and adult life negotiating relationships with usually emotionally unavailable people, based on my survival needs, instead of trusting these needs to the care of God. It is because the God of my understanding wasn't so trustworthy, even though I intellectually assented to that belief.
I still live in a world which I broadly describe as a place outside of the garden of Eden, far from the paradise of my native homeland, but am learning to thrive in this world, not just survive. I'm currently a foreigner, taking residence in a foreign land. It's a foreign spiritual dimension of living on earth, which has been so greatly corrupted from its original design. I wasn't created to find spiritual solidarity in this world that's outside of the garden of Eden, which does not fully manifest the presence of God, and the absence of sin, death and decay. This is my "home away from home", but I will be going home one day. For now, I am studying abroad, how to walk by faith, in a broken world that only has glimpses of paradise that are seen and felt. This is the world after sin, which is under the reign of Satan, sin and death, and before the kingdom come of God's will being fully done on earth.
As I live and study "abroad", I'm now aware that I have a false-self to be the master over in this foreign world, in place of me being mastered by this false-self, mainly through denial. I have come to realize that I have either proudly or ashamedly identified with this false-self, out of not being aware of my true self. Being awakened to, and made consciously aware of my inner life, has been playing a very active and vivid role in my recovery at the present time of me writing this post.
As a recovering codependent, I'm coming to see that I've spent pretty much all of my child and adult life negotiating relationships with usually emotionally unavailable people, based on my survival needs, instead of trusting these needs to the care of God. It is because the God of my understanding wasn't so trustworthy, even though I intellectually assented to that belief.
I still live in a world which I broadly describe as a place outside of the garden of Eden, far from the paradise of my native homeland, but am learning to thrive in this world, not just survive. I'm currently a foreigner, taking residence in a foreign land. It's a foreign spiritual dimension of living on earth, which has been so greatly corrupted from its original design. I wasn't created to find spiritual solidarity in this world that's outside of the garden of Eden, which does not fully manifest the presence of God, and the absence of sin, death and decay. This is my "home away from home", but I will be going home one day. For now, I am studying abroad, how to walk by faith, in a broken world that only has glimpses of paradise that are seen and felt. This is the world after sin, which is under the reign of Satan, sin and death, and before the kingdom come of God's will being fully done on earth.
As I live and study "abroad", I'm now aware that I have a false-self to be the master over in this foreign world, in place of me being mastered by this false-self, mainly through denial. I have come to realize that I have either proudly or ashamedly identified with this false-self, out of not being aware of my true self. Being awakened to, and made consciously aware of my inner life, has been playing a very active and vivid role in my recovery at the present time of me writing this post.
A Spiritual awakening is where I come out of my denial and wake up to who I truly am, at a core and spiritual level, not identifying with the false self as my true-self. The false-self has been created out of a subconscious survival need that still gets relied upon when trusting only God is not my consciously chosen survival mechanism. My relationships with others then gets perceived through the lens of pain and wanting to stop or decrease the painful ripple effects of not fully trusting in God. My feedback loop of pain is getting shorter and shorter, which is great training for getting me back to consciously choosing to put myself under God's care, as I understand Him. This circumvents my relationships getting evaluated based on how much others can meet my needs. These needs are the invisible frame I see people through, whether I am aware or in denial of it. This way of seeing people and relationships has been so natural and familiar, that it was extremely hard to see through the denial.
As I'm becoming aware of the denial, I'm realizing it's just the dawn of a spiritual awakening for me. I can recover and learn to trust in God to meet my needs. I'm learning that He often does this through people, and to experience this without trusting in people in place of God, one day at a time. Even though I'm also seeing that this may cause an upset to some of my current relationships, because it doesn't register on our previously unspoken, but implicitly agreed upon, relational barter system. I am better off for it though, and so are others I'm in relationship with.
As I'm becoming aware of the denial, I'm realizing it's just the dawn of a spiritual awakening for me. I can recover and learn to trust in God to meet my needs. I'm learning that He often does this through people, and to experience this without trusting in people in place of God, one day at a time. Even though I'm also seeing that this may cause an upset to some of my current relationships, because it doesn't register on our previously unspoken, but implicitly agreed upon, relational barter system. I am better off for it though, and so are others I'm in relationship with.
Jesus lived like this. And he died because of it. The life he lived was interpreted as highly offensive and upsetting. It bucked the spiritual system of group think that feeds off of successfully selling the illusion of needing to need certain people in certain places and gaining their favor, including especially God's, by practicing certain practices and/or believing certain beliefs, all doing this as a substitute for trusting in God. .
Living this way will likely cost me, but I am well fed when I feed off of God's provisions for me, and not trying to substitute my own version for his provisions. Jesus did basically say, "eat me" because He's the bread of life, (John 6:35).
Before, I was so unaware that I could easily be busy and preoccupied, yet rarely present in each moment. Many, not excluding me, can appear from afar, to have life figured out, but not seeming to make it work for long. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, there are countless ways in numbing out of feeling feelings, and staying in denial.
Before, I was so unaware that I could easily be busy and preoccupied, yet rarely present in each moment. Many, not excluding me, can appear from afar, to have life figured out, but not seeming to make it work for long. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, there are countless ways in numbing out of feeling feelings, and staying in denial.
The dawn of this spiritual awakening is waking me up from the anesthesia of denial. I'm now desiring and starting to experience living my life in a conscious and present way with God, myself and others, one day at at time.
