Jesus - the Obedient (not codependent) Son

A hidden parenting lesson found, in the gospels.  God is a genius.

In Luke 2:41-52 we have a scene where Jesus, at age twelve (pre-teen) was missing from his parents, for three days.

On the surface, his parents seem neglectful, and Jesus seems disrespectful.  Digging deeper however, I see Jesus responding to his parents by being obedient, not codependent, and how his parents responded to him.  That's the hidden lesson I'm personally seeing revealed in this account.  It's perfect timing for me, God knows.

Jesus and his parents went to Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover.  After the Feast while returning home, Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem.  Jesus was twelve; old enough to not be under his parents' supervision for the day.  When they realized he wasn't with them, and couldn't find him with any of their friends and relatives; they went back to Jerusalem in search of him.

Three days later, they found him in the temple courts.  His parents were very surprised when they saw him.  His mother said to him,

"Son, why have you treated us like this?  Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." (Luke 2:48)

- Pause -

Will Jesus apologize to his parents?  Will he be saying he should've known better?  Will Jesus attempt to rescue his mother from her anxious feelings by issuing an apology, and trying to console his mother?  Wouldn't that have been the most respectful and proper response -for Jesus to attend to the anxious feelings of his suffering parents?  Especially, his mother?

-Nope.  What?!

Did he at least submissively answer his mother's question?
-Nope.

He responded by honestly questioning his parents:

"Why were you searching for me?"  
"Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?"  (Luke 2:49)

Jesus, how rude!  How inconsiderate!

Me, being a parent, and counting ahead three days from today, imagining my child being missing during that entire time (a parent's worst nightmare) then finally finding my child and being questioned without any regard to what I'd been through, would upset me.  I don't think his parents expected that for a response.  It probably wasn't a culturally normal response from a Hebrew son to his parents before the first century, I'm guessing at least...

"But they did not understand what he was saying to them."  (Luke 2:50)

Lesson:

Twelve-year-old Jesus didn't own what didn't belong to him, but instead to his parents - their anxious feelings.  He didn't apologize for treated them a certain way, because he didn't do anything to them, even though his loving mother said he did.

It was nothing new, Jesus loved being in the temple, passionately asking and answering questions amongst the teachers, about God.  How could his parents not have known he'd be in the temple?  Didn't they know him?  It appears as if 12-year-old Jesus was also surprised that his parents didn't think to look for him where he loved to be...at the temple courts sitting among the teachers.

Application:
My children are not responsible for managing my anxiety, or any of my feelings, through their behavior.  Jesus seemed to have understood this healthy boundary.  He didn't sin by questioning his parents.  He wasn't doing anything wrong in not being codependent and having an over-developed sense of responsibility for his mother's feelings.  Jesus didn't seem to understand why they didn't know to look for him in the temple, and his parents didn't seem to understand why he didn't understand.  Does this sort of parent-child conflict sound familiar?  Nonetheless, he was obedient, even though his parents weren't happy he had stayed back in the temple courts, for three days without their awareness.

Did his parents put him in check and "discipline", rebuke and guilt Jesus, as "godly" parents should do?  No, because they didn't enter into a power struggle with their son, where they felt they had to defend their parental position of authority.  They weren't indignant with Jesus.  They didn't consider him to be disrespectful by his questioning them. They didn't get offended, because they didn't take it personally.  And this fostered a safe enough relationship where Jesus was able to question his parents in the presence of their strong emotions.  He wasn't intimidated by them, yet he was obedient.  He felt safe with his parents while they were upset.

Jesus returned to Nazareth with his parents, and was obedient to them.  His mother didn't try to punish or carry any grudge against her son for "how he treated them" and for his questioning them when they finally found him.  Instead, Scripture says:

"...But his mother treasured all these things in her heart."  (Luke 2:51)

How does this scene end in Scripture?

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man."  (Luke 2:52)

It ended cleanly.  No invisible, hidden baggage of resentment on either sides...and it freed up his mother to be able to treasure this in her heart, not holding or hiding a buried offense.  As for the adolescent Jesus, he grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.  That confronts the pervasive myth that rebellion and dysfunction comes automatically with the territory of adolescent-hood.

Mary and Joseph could have understandably felt disrespected by Jesus not staying with them and not telling them he was staying back in Jerusalem, and maybe making them look bad in front of their family and friends.  They could have taken offense at how he questioned them when they found him.  But they didn't.  There was grace over and above offense.

Jesus could have anxiously apologized and made amends for the anxiety his parents experienced while they were looking for him.  But he didn't.  He didn't loose his footing in his mother's emotions, but didn't lash out at her either.  As their son, he didn't take responsibility for controlling or regulating the emotional thermostat of his parents.  He wasn't rude about it, but he honestly questioned his parents about the situation at hand.  Following this, he didn't disobey them.  There was grace over and above offense.

Grace is a very powerful and effective parenting tool, which involves not taking your child's behavior personally and expecting them to take responsibility for how you feel in response to their behavior.  Jesus demonstrated his understanding of boundaries, being set with grace, not pompousness.  His parents did too when they responded to his questioning them without defensiveness.  They didn't wait for him to "behave well" in order to give him grace first.  Jesus felt safe enough to question his parents directly.  He didn't silently submit and obey.  And his parents where OK with that.  Grace was stronger than offense.

You can read the story in Luke 2:41-52 below:

"Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom.  After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him.  After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions.  Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers.  When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”

 “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he was saying to them.

 Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.  And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man."

I needed to see this today.  I'm grieved over children not being given the freedom and safety to ask questions to their parents when they're accused of doing wrong by them.  I'm no saint in my parenting though, and I've been guilty of not extending grace when it was needed, many times.  But with this new insight, I feel even more encouraged and affirmed in allowing children the opportunity to ask me questions, without any shame that I'm letting them "get away" with challenging my authority.

Offense is a primary bait of Satan.  I can take care to not take things so personally from others, including my children.  After all, I'm here for them, they aren't here for me.

Confession Time

I have a little confession:

I've heard people sharing very personal stories of how God ministered to them, and myself was simultaneously drawing a blank inside.  They expressed deep emotions, and I felt little to nothing where I could personally relate to them.  Not because I didn't care, I was trying to care a lot.  But I just simply could, not, relate.  I didn't want to blow my cover of not being God, though, by not coming across as understanding, so I'd sometimes make a certain face and nod my head trying to convince them I understood exactly where they were coming from, when I didn't.  But then I'd walk away feeling a little guilty...

That's my codependency being played out.  And when that appears I can re-frame my thinking with some simple truths...

I am not God!  I am not an all-knowing and omniscient being who can profoundly enter into every, single, personal experience in a transcendent way.  Yes, there are definitely times when I can sincerely enter in and relate on a deep level with another's story.  But not every time, with everyone.  I wish I could and sometimes will pressure myself into playing that role.  I want people to feel connected to me and not invalidated, but it's being inauthentic and a bit dishonest out of fear of offending and wanting to care-take another's feelings at the cost of authenticity, at worst.  At best, it's me wanting to show compassion and that I honestly do care, even though I cannot personally relate.

I can accept my own limitations of not always being able to understand and empathize with others.  It isn't because I don't care.  It isn't because the other person is defective in some way.  It's simply because I'm human.  I can acknowledge to myself that when I can't personally relate to someone's experience, it's not invalidating them.  I can honor and validate it by simply believing it.  No matter how different their experiences are from my own, I can take their words at face value, even especially the words of a child.

God is a very personal God.  It's nice to take myself off the hook knowing a personal God does exist, and is very willing and able to enter into their personal lives on a deep and profound level.  I don't have to fulfill that role, and self-condemn myself when I fail.  This does not excuse me from invalidating or minimizing their different experiences though.

When I interact with people who cannot personally relate to all of my God-stories or emotionally moving experiences, it doesn't mean they are invalidating me or being cold-hearted.  It's simply because they're human, just like me.  And even if they are invalidating me, I have the choice of not taking it personally.

I don't need to keep these stories extremely private, even though they are personal, out of fearing they won't be understood the way I want.  God is a deeply personal God, who knows the intimate details of my life and heart.  Expecting others to relate with me on the same deep and profoundly intimate level God does is unrealistic.  I can hold onto myself and not get lost in the having the distorted expectations of other people (including myself) needing to play God.  What freedom!

I find myself taking things less personally from other people, when I'm taking God's love for me more personally, one day at a time.  He is a deeply personal God, and His love for me is deeply personal, even though He loves every human being, deeply.  That's God.  He is love.  His love and intimacy for me, and for you is deep and limitless.  It's hard to fully comprehend, this side of heaven.

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea, 

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you."

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of the sand -

when I awake, I am still with you."

-Psalm 139:1-18

I Don't Wanna Cry~

"Now, O women, hear the word of the Lord; 
open your ears to the words of his mouth.
Teach your daughters how to wail; teach one another a lament.  Death has climbed in through our windows and has entered our fortresses; it has cut off the children from the streets and the young men from the public squares."
 - Jeremiah 9:20-21

We -women, are instructed specifically to teach our daughters how to wail?  What?!  -Not just to cook, clean, do laundry and make beds?  (light-hearted sarcasm)  -Nope, to wail and lament; to be emotional.

Where there is brokenness, where there is death that cuts off life...what are we to do?  Be silent?  Go bake a cake?  -Nope.  Teach our daughters how to wail and lament.  Is wailing feminine?  Are wailing women attractive though?  What will the men think?  It might repel the men who want nothing to do with a woman who expresses her emotions so openly!  Only crying that's under restraint sounds somewhat acceptable, in much of our American culture.  I've had a low tolerance level for other people's emotions being expressed, over and above what I'm individually comfortable with expressing myself.  Wailing isn't common or well-accepted in American society, outside of having entertainment value, at least in my experience and observation.

What's an effective way to teach our daughters (or children) anything?  - Openly role modeling it.  Allowing them backstage passes behind the curtain, and into our hearts by giving them access to see grief being safely (not beautifully) expressed in real life, by doing it yourself.  

My initial reaction is of judgment and fear.  -It's unsafe!  -People need to control themselves!  

I've believed that emotions are not something to outwardly be welcomed, they are something to be tamed.  There's some truth to that.  Emotions do need to be tamed.  

But the emotions needing to be tamed are usually needing to be tamed because they've been repressed, denied or stuffed so much that they're about to start boiling over.  

Mama's can cry in front of their daughters.  Really, it's OK.  When it comes to strong emotions; feel and deal.  Don't stuff, to look tough.  Women of character are not women who lack emotional expression.  Women of character; godly character - can wail -per God.

Most of us women that do not allow ourselves to grieve, but instead repress were probably shown that by our own mothers in how they coped with the hard stuff in life.  And they from their mothers, and theirs, and so on and so forth....and it can be traced all the way back to Eve.  Poor Eve, she still gets blamed for stuff...

Jesus wailed.  Jesus lamented, openly.  I've heard in sermons before that he cried so loudly, people who weren't nearby could hear him when Lazarus died.  The presence of strong emotions being expressed, especially of fear, anger and sadness make many of us Americans feel uneasy.  What's up with that?  My suspicion is that it's a result of a toxic partnership between two odorless contaminants: fear and shame.  Jesus didn't allow fear or shame to steer him or else we'd be in a LOT of trouble...

"Jesus wept." -John 11:35
"Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb."  -John 11:38

"A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher."  -Luke 6:40

Wail and lament when there is brokenness...

Do not repress pain to cover it up using a deceptive mask in an attempt to maintain the facade that we are strong by hiding our emotions.  The worst thing to do is hide my pain from myself.  That is not self-control, it's fear-and-shame-control.  

Take time out, to wail and lament...p.r.n.

Dissecting the Enemy

"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you."

 - Eric Hoffer (1902 - 1983)

It was through a crafty serpent, that all of creation was hijacked.  You can read it in one chapter - Genesis 3, and the rest is history.  Portions of the Bible (mostly Old Testament)  is a course and consequences account of a group of people whom God made a covenant with, who overall struggled to have much willingness to trust and surrender to God.  The New Testament, in short is how God redeems it all, through one man who had perfect love and trust in God.  It includes (but isn't limited to) several eye witness descriptions/testimonies of the course and consequences of one man's life -Jesus.  (There's tons of wisdom and treasure in that book - I highly recommend it being read in its entirety, more than once.)

It wasn't by big might and brute power that the serpent was able to outwit Eve.  She could have beaten him up if she wanted to.  I'd imagine Adam would've surely came to her side and helped if she ran to him in terror due to this crafty serpent.  But, by nature, the serpent was crafty.  And by nature, Eve was trusting.  The crafty serpent knew he needed to hijack God's beloved creation with their cooperation.  If Eve was frightened and felt threatened by the serpent, all bets were off.  He needed their trust.  What the serpent feared and was threatened by most was Adam and Eve's complete trust and dependency on God.

I often get scared when I think of Satan.  I imagine he's lurking behind or in front of me to beat me down without any forewarning.  This isn't a Biblical account of Satan and how he primarily works in the details, according to Genesis 3 at least.

Satan, as depicted as a crafty serpent, was friendly and he came to Eve by amicably selling her a lie.  He was a crafty salesman.  What did he have to gain by selling his lies?  -Taking down God through His beloved creation.  Satan was jealous of God and wanted all the worship for himself, (little did he know it would all backfire on a wooden cross, sorry for not giving a spoiler alert).  Satan got her to believe she could trust him and his words, that he was for her, more than God was and that God was jealous of her and therefore withholding good from her.  He did this by getting her to believe there was a secret inside scoop on God, that he had and she didn't.  He's a great actor, on his script he was to play the role of a whistle blower on God, for the benefit of Eve.  She bit the bait.  She didn't run away from it, it appeared safe to her, so she bit it, literally.  The bait was taken by simply believing a seductive lie.

A deception of corruption that simply rearranged a few paradigms around:
- God was secretively corrupt and could not be fully trusted
- Satan was on Eve's side and could be trusted over God, after all - he was divulging God's secret corruption to Eve.  Satan felt safe to Eve through deceiving her into feeling like she was a victim of God, and he was rescuing her from God
- as a result Eve was lacking or not good enough as God created her, and she had the solution in front of her, it required her to disobey God by first mistrusting Him

Satan projected his corrupt nature onto God, and he sold that projection as if it was the truth to Eve.  And the rest is history.


"Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  - 1 Peter 5:8

"...in order that Satan might not outwit us.  For we are not unaware of his schemes."  - 2 Corinthians 2:11

Satan had to get them to be fearful of trusting God - that is what he fears most - our trusting God.


Being aware of Satan's schemes and his strategy:
Doing whatever it takes to get me to believe a lie about God, which will therefore cause me to see a false picture of myself - since I am created in the image of God.


The battle is in how I really see God.  Not in how I tell you what doctrine I subscribe to.  It's revealed through choices I make.  I look at my choices, the course and consequences of my life as a fact-finding process.  Not a shaming fault-finding one.  The facts will present themselves and if I'm not offended by them, I get to see how I really see God, through my course and consequences of life, not the verbal or written sentences I say I believe in.

Armed with these facts, the enemy's schemes to hijack my life are now exposed.  They include how I've interpreted the events in my life through seeing God a certain way, and those specific consequences or results of how I've seen God.  That is what ultimately steers my life...how I see God.  Do I find Him fully trustworthy or not?  My course and consequences, or a searching and fearless moral inventory is a huge step towards my freedom.  It helps me uncover the enemy's schemes in my life - his lies, and exposes the results of trusting them going unchallenged and unmoved, one day, year, or decade at a time.


I won't have arrived fully after a thorough course and consequences inventory has been done once and shared with a trusted Ruth.  It's just the beginning.  One day at a time, I can now start to see, and even better; believe the beautiful secret in life that Satan has withheld from me: the truth about God and myself.

"God is love."  - 1 John 4:16

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."  - John 3:16

My beliefs are revealed through my choices [deeds], not in my words alone, but through my actions.

"...faith by itself, if it's not accompanied by action, is dead... -James 2:17

"But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds [actions] Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.  You believe that there is one God.  Good!  Even the demons believe that - and shudder." - James 2:18

I'm now much more open to learning a new way of doing life...a new strategy for living...that is what the Path offers...

Fighting Ignorance With Ignorance is Bold?

There are many controversial topics I'm not willing to invest time or energy weighing in on.  The following isn't one of them, as you'll quickly see.  This is my personal conviction regarding a controversial topic that I happen to have a bias and non-neutral position on.  This may change as I grow, but currently I'm pretty solid in my position surrounding close friendships with the opposite gender.

This was spurred on by my coming across a new movement within the church to intentionally expand "deep spiritual friendships between men and women".

Personally, I affirm and support the goals this movement is trying to accomplish.  However, I do not agree or support the approach their taking, at least to my understanding and as a recovering codependent and love addict.  The issues being addressed in this movement are valid and clearly exist.  For example: "Promoting understanding between the sexes that in turn leads to greater justice and equality between men and women ..."  -Valid goal.  What I'm concerned and disturbed with is the solution being promoted.  The belief that these goals will be accomplished in having "good, healthy, friendships between men and women..."  That sounds harmless, even noble, right?  But the desire is also stated as:

"We desire to create a gathering where thinking people can ask honest questions, engage in healthy conversation, seek encouragement, and share stories and experiences of deep, spiritual friendship between men and women."

I realize not everyone struggles with this addiction or affliction.  But I cannot minimize or downplay the exploding number of people who are either directly or indirectly affected by this or similar addictions (sex and/or love addiction, codependency and/or romance addiction etc.) who either are aware of it or not.  It is of epidemic proportions in our culture, inside and outside of the church.  Why?  Because we as a human race are broken and wounded, and we inadvertently attempt to heal our wounds or act out (usually sub-consciously) from unhealed wounds in the ways we interact with members of the opposite sex, which can lead to devastation.  It's a slow fade...

True - we are redeemed by the finished work of Christ, and are in the process of progressively being restored to harmony with ourselves and others (sanctification), but we also live in a broken world where we have an enemy who prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour, usually an unsuspecting someone (1 Peter 5:8).  We're warned to be aware of the devil's schemes, so that he may not outwit us (2 Corinthians 2:11), to be self-controlled and alert.

Do we combat this with trying to be bold and fearless through ignorantly playing with fire to prove our boldness?  I don't buy it.  What then, do I propose as the alternative solution?
Well, to propose a solution, first we need to try and pinpoint the root of the problems.

I see the underlying issues of our hyper-sexualized culture coming from identity issues.  Who am I?  What does it mean to be a man or a woman?  What defines my value?  Our culture's system is pervasively rooted in finding your source of identity, worthiness and value from a cross-gender relationship.  Movies and songs make tons of profit off this pervasive lie.  In the church, this often is disguised in classifying people by their marital-status.  Cross-gender relationships can involve either sexual intimacy or just emotional intimacy, with member(s) of the opposite sex within a platonic friendship.  In my opinion, based on personal experience and others sharing their own personal experiences with me surrounding the issue of cross-gender friendships of an intimate nature, the benefits or rewards do not outweigh the risks.  Not even close.

If you want to understand the opposite sex, and you're married - start and end with your spouse.  Get to know them well.  If you're single, go to your trusted opposite sex family members; siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles etc.  If they aren't available or that isn't an option; read books, there are a ton on this subject matter, see a therapist of the opposite gender.  Those are safe and boundaried ways to gain understanding and insight from the opposite sex about the opposite sex.

The core issues of identity and self-worth that encompass your sexuality, need to be addressed. When you have a solid understanding of the truth, and respect of yourself within the context of your sexuality and spirituality, you will have a reservoir to tap into when it comes to understanding the opposite sex.  God is ultimately the source of that, and He will make provisions for your valid needs through relationships where you will not be up close and personal with temptation or denying that you're tempted thinking you're above that. (James 1:13-15)

The better solution, in my opinion -
Build and nurture healthy, intimate, authentic, non-sexual friendships with members of the same-sex.  Now that is counter-cultural.  

Our culture is obsessed with impressing and being affirmed by those of the opposite sex/gender.  Why is it being portrayed as unique and bold to try and build intimate, boundaried, non-sexual, cross-gender friendships?  It's so common!  I came from that mentality and background, outside of the church.  I didn't have close, intimate and authentic friendships with other females, because it was hard to trust them and be vulnerable with them.  It was a cop-out to build those kinds of friendships with members of the opposite sex.  It was easier to remain at a distance with women, but fool myself into thinking I was being "real" within my "boundaried" friendships with guys.

You want to pursue having "bold boundaries" in your friendships?  Do it by keeping your closest most intimate non-sexual friendships within your own gender.  Same-gender = safer boundary.  The most sacred and deepest cross-gender friendship you can have is with your spouse.  If you're married, you have that one person of the opposite sex to build and nurture that with, plus benefits!  If you're single, then you can still have experiences of healthy, deep, authentic, non-sexual spiritual friendships within your same gender -minus the temptation.

There are some bold boundaries for ya, stay within your own gender.  Boundaries in your relationships are meant to protect and nurture you.  We all need them.  They protect you from danger, and they allow the good in while keeping the harmful out.

In my opinion, the efforts behind this movement focused on building cross-gender close relationships (including married individuals to the opposite sex who aren't their spouse) is an invitation for trouble.  In contrast, having healthy, deep and intimate relationships within the same gender are very beneficial (regardless of your marital status).  Our culture, here in the West isn't so strong in that area as other cultures around the globe are.  Perhaps our homophobic issues are backfiring?  Does limiting your closest friendships to those of the same gender sound boring, depriving and contrite to you?  That's a red flag that you should NOT pursue close cross-gender friendships because the likelihood that you're using those friendships to heal intimacy wounds is present.

Just like with any relationship, risks of being hurt or disappointed exist within same-gender friendships.  But the benefits far outweigh the risks.  It's a far safer relationship/friendship to heal your intimacy wounds in.  Your feelings might get offended at times, which you can work through and can result in growing you and bringing you closer to your friend.  But once the emotional and physical boundaries have been crossed by someone of the opposite sex, the pain and clean up goes beyond just being offended and mended by talking things over.  It can destroy families, careers, ministries, people's health, etc.  And it all starts with having ignorance guiding you in setting your boundaries.

The rewards do not outweigh the risks. Especially when there is an alternative that is much safer.  A good example of this type of friendship from the Bible?  King David and Jonathon (1 Samuel 18:1), Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1:16-18).  Paul and Silas had a spiritually deep friendship, they sang hymns to God together in prison that resulted in a violent earthquake that shook the foundation of the prison, freeing them! (Act 1:25-26).

Let's not fight ignorance of boundaries, with ignorance of boundaries, disguised as a bold movement to provide healing intimacy in high-risk relationships.  What is sacred about that?  I cringe at that misguided belief.  It's playing with fire, when there are alternative methods that aren't nearly as likely to result in explosions.  Affairs start somewhere, usually it's between two unsuspecting innocent cross-gender friends.  You don't have to be a prude, just be shrewd.

“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."  -Matthew 10:16

"Flee from sexual immorality...." - 1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from it, don't try and play super-spiritual Christian by placing yourself in the path of temptation.

"Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." - 1 Timothy 5:2
Not just sexual purity, but emotional/spiritual purity - reserving emotional and spiritual intimacy with someone of the opposite sex for marriage.  We are more than just physical bodies.  Reserve unveiling the deepest, most intimate parts of you (mind, body and spirit) for intimacy with someone of the opposite sex within the sacred boundaries through the covenant of marriage.  Consider soul ties.

You're free to agree or disagree with my position.  I'm sure those behind the movement for expanding cross-gender friendships within the church are all well-intentioned and they do voice their reasons to rally behind this effort.  I just disagree with them.  

As the old saying goes: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." 

To each their own...and this is my lifestyle choice surrounding cross-gender relationships.  I've shared why, because my particular perspective isn't articulated by them or their bloggers, at least to my knowledge.  On a personal note: The one time I believed it was safe or OK to make an exception to this boundary, people were deeply hurt.  Thank God, He intervened on my ignorance.

Decide for yourself.


Peace,
Kristen

Before Returning to the Grindstone

I'm fresh out of an Unveiling Retreat and these are my reflections before returning back to life's normal routine:

The Body of Christ provides healing through the healing of her wounds.  That's how the Great Physician worked.

"...and by his wounds we are healed." -Isaiah 53:5

The body of Christ is a community of wounded healers, all in different stages of their awareness of their own journey.

When I first came to the Rahab Society and to my first Unveiling Retreat in Moonshadow Lodge in the rolling hills of Tennessee, I was very wounded and sick.  But I had no idea how deeply wounded and sick I truly was.  My most successful charade was the one I pulled off with myself.  I thought I was pretty solid based on my theological beliefs and the lifestyle I operated out of based on those beliefs.  I'm a good example of practicing spiritual bypassing only to be caught off guard by a crises of my own making (of which I blamed others).  That isn't to say others had no part in the crises, but my lack of self-awareness regarding my wounds became a blindspot I was no longer willing to live with - simply because I couldn't afford it.

My Ruth I had at the retreat back in fall of 2011 was the first woman I had confessed certain things to.  It felt freeing.  It was fairly low risk though.  I could easily walk away from her and these women without loosing much.  I wasn't dwelling in my neighborhood while I confessed things from my past.  I was dwelling in theirs as a temporary visitor for only 2 days, then took my airplane back home, which was several states and a time-zone away.  But God knew that's where He needed to meet me to start drawing me out.

I had met a woman there that kinda freaked me out.  I was initially pretty intimidated by her.  I stared at her feeling like she was me, uninhibited.  She was me, if I only felt more comfortable in my own skin.  I watched her closely, from a far.

She is the one I asked to be my Ruth after having a short conversation with her towards the very end of the retreat.  She became my Ruth, who helped nurse me back to health...back to sanity.

As of today, I have been to 3 Unveiling Retreats, many Rahab meetings, have had hundreds of hours of contact with women, re-learning how to relate to them in very different and various ways of authenticity, some as a Ruth, some as my Ruth, and am in the process of building my own team (safe-group of women) and the view here is incredible.  I have not arrived though, far from it.. that happens after death.  I'm still alive, so I'm still in progress.  But I can honestly say, that through the relationships and experiences I've encountered in the Rahab Society, which all began at my first Unveiling Retreat over a year ago, I am a whole lot healthier and more whole than I was.  I still get infections and viruses, just like any other "healthy" person.  And I'm still vulnerable to complete catastrophic wounds being inflicted, but I have gained ground being amongst the women in the Rahab Society that I didn't know I even needed.  God has been in the midst.

I have other women I can go to for the medicine and nutrients my heart needs when the doses I'm learning to self-administer aren't quite enough or when I'm feeling too weak to self-administer.  The antidote consists of truth and grace, coming from myself and others when I admit the need and allow it.  I'm not as offended when I acknowledge the need, because this is how God designed it...the body of Christ, ministering to one another...showing the world His love through the body of Christ, which is made of up wounded healers, all in different stages of their own path towards authentic Christ-likeness, assisting others along theirs, one day at a time.

I am honored and thankful to be apart of this thing God is doing in the Rahab Society.

More to come later...maybe

False Hope Detector

The alarming noise a smoke detector makes upon detection of smoke is supposed to let you know smoke is present, before a fire starts.  Smoke detectors are good fire prevention, when we pay attention and respond accordingly.

Resentment can often be present to alarm me when false hope is detected.  Resentment is like the smoke (silent and often invisible) before the flames engulf.  Is resentment being put to good use?  Am I open to the warning messages of resentment upon false hope being detected, before the sound of my house comes crashing down?

When I notice I'm upset or resenting something or someone - my false hope detector is communicating to me.  When I deny or minimize it, I'm inviting trouble, playing with fire.  Resentment can be my ally, when I enlist it under my control, instead of ignoring it and falling under its control.

Self-awareness through rigorous honesty is a non-negotiable.  Shame is an unwelcomed intruder.  When I catch myself passing judgment on myself for what my honesty reveals, I can thank God for the profound grace He gives me.  The presence of resentment doesn't offend me when I learn how to utilize it for my own growth and recovery.  It can warn me before my house suddenly comes crashing down.

My house is symbolic of my life.  

The materials it's built out of are symbolic of the choices I make.  

Just like a house is made up of many parts, my life consists of many choices made, big and small.
The foundation of the house is symbolic for how I see God and consequently myself - my identity.
When my false-hope-detector is going off, it will often present as resentment, which provides opportunity for chaos prevention if I notice and respond accordingly.

To build a solid house - I need a solid foundation.  The foundation holds all the pieces together when trials come, and they will come.

My emotions help steer my choices, which are steered by my beliefs.  Having awareness of my emotions, such as resentment, is a key element in becoming aware of what I really believe - about myself and about God - my foundation.

How I see God is foundational.  The serpent has known this from the beginning.  His successful strategy relied on deceiving Eve regarding one foundational aspect - her perception of God.  The serpent had to get Eve to mistrust God.  The way I perceive God is foundational.  Almost all of life's significant choices stem from trust, or hope.  Is my hope in God, or is it in something or someone else?  That will depend on how I see God.  I will trust Him or not, as a result of the picture of God I hold to be true.  This determines the condition of my house, after the storms have pounded on it.

My choices reveal where my hope is being placed.  Do I put into practice the belief that God is good, that his love for me is the source of my life and identity?  I don't need to write a thesis in order to find the answers.  I just look at my choices.  What do my choices indicate about my beliefs?  What kind of picture am I'm holding of God that steers me?  Does it look anything like Jesus Christ, dying on my behalf?

Resentments can be used to warn me of false hope present in my life.  False hope is a foundation of sand.  As long as I have today, I have the opportunity to make a different choice, thanks to my false hope detector of resentment going off, before a fire burns my house to the ground.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."  -Matthew 7:24-27

None of Your Beeswax

At the encouragement of a special someone, I'm going to start writing daily devotionals, trying to at least.  Targeted audience?  -My children as they grow, or anyone for that matter who allows me the honor to speak into their lives with influence - for mutual growth and inspiration.  May God lead this, one devotional at a time.  Take what you want, return to some of it later, or leave it all - that's for you and God to decide.  I'm guessing I'm the one who's going to get the most out of this.  No matter how many people read these, a huge part of this is for my own journey of healing and growth.  Writing has proven to be an effective tool towards re-calibrating my mind. The most pressing challenge for me at this point - to be succinct!  Long-winded writing is my natural style, I'm a detail-oriented analyzer and communicator.  But, sometimes less is more.

First Devotional - February 4, 2013

Devotional #1:  None Of Your Bees Wax

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you."  Proverbs 4:25 NIV

Whenever I catch myself trying to read other people's minds or read in between the lines, I am wasting precious time.  I'm not minding my own beeswax, instead I'm minding somebody else's, at my own cost.

Who is then minding mine?  

If people have something they want me to know, in which I don't already know about, it's their business to let me know.  Not mine.  Yes, it really is that simple!

Amongst other things, my business consists of conducting myself in such a way where I'm as safe, humble, and open as I can be in receiving feedback, within the context of the relationship at hand.  I want to be open to feedback and will prayerfully investigate the information amongst my safe-support of invited insiders into my life.  But if nothing is presented to me, I am free to give the benefit of the doubt, to my own discretion.

I'm not God.  I'm not able or responsible for reading minds behind closed mouths.  I am accountable for responding to the presented information, out of a clear conscience.  Outside of this, I'm setting myself up for becoming side-tracked and instead of focusing on my own business in seeking the knowledge of God's will for me today, I'm off in a daze.  This makes me more vulnerable to anxiety or resentment based on pretense or conjecture, taking up finite time and energy, robbing me of peace.

I can discharge myself from that burden and take up responsibility for what falls under my jurisdiction - my own business, my own life, not the inner thought life of others.

This is all about lovingly setting inner-boundaries for myself to honor.  

This depends on me being present, checked-in and connected mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically with myself and God.  This guards me from silently wandering off and withdrawing into the insidious realm of conjecture where I start to have inner-reactions to things perceived, not received.  Mental distractions can seem harmless, but can be very dangerous.  At the very least, it's a crafty strategy of the enemy which cripples me from being used by God to the max, because it prevents me from fully being available in each present moment.  Boundaried-mindfulness which involves self-discipline that liberates, begins in my secret thought life, where the hidden battles for reality and truth start.  Minding my own beeswax is good protection.  It's also liberating.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:5

His and Hers

God is my dance partner.  I have my roles, He has His.  I make my moves, He makes His.  We then respond to one another in kind, built on the foundation of His grace, not my merits. This is my experience with God, made possible through Jesus Christ.

All the blessings of freedom, joy and peace I'm enabled to enjoy today are from God through His willingness to reveal Himself, in spite of my own lack of resources to gain that understanding apart from Him.  Naturally, I'm ill inclined to abandon my ways of living and getting my needs and wants met.  My natural propensity is to get them met in my own ways, without surrendering to God.  Out of the self-sufficient operation mode, I go about my day involving various tasks in pursuing a sense of worthiness, significance and value by what I do, what I've done, what I'm planning to do, who I know, who knows me, what I own, so on and so forth.  Pretty much anything outside of my identity in Christ is where my natural tendency leads me to feed off of.  The Bible calls this the flesh, or the sinful nature - the part of me that is alienated from God, but trying to live the kind of life God wants me to live, outside of Him.  Whether I acknowledge that God exists or not, I can still strive to live the life God wants me to live (a life of peace, joy and freedom) outside of Him and His provisions.  This has proven to be futile.  A chasing after the wind.  To the extent I'm living life in the Spirit, where my identity and source for living life to the fullest comes from surrendering to Christ, resting in my identity in Him as the sole source of living which definitively defines who I am - I am free.  I'm walking in the truth of who I am, by walking in Truth Himself, Jesus Christ.

I have a role that is distinct from His though.  I often confuse my roles up with His, or the role of others in my life with His role.  I call this codependency.  

He has given me the gift of free will, the capacity to choose.  And in my relationship with God, there are outcomes, depending on many variables that come into play which aren't all known due to the unseen world.  This includes how I use my free will, through what I choose, and how others use their free will, given the realm of options one is aware of.  What you don't know can sometimes hurt you.  Ignorance isn't always bliss.  Thankfully you'll see below that if we lack wisdom, we can ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault.  

I have a major role to play.  I have a part.  And so does God.  He is sovereign over the end results, which are always rolling in until the final judgment when the Kingdom of God has fully come with the return of Jesus, in victory.  All of creation is a progressive story, which includes my life and yours.

In the following versus, notice the dance paradigm.  I am powerless in and of myself, to make true Kingdom change.  But I am not rendered useless, for I can go to God, who is powerful and responsive.  In going through the following versus while focusing on my role and His role, it's helped me see how vibrant, dynamic and alive this dance is.  It's a synergy of wills, in partnership with the Divine.

See the dance unfold...what is your role?  Discern your part with God, releasing the outcome to Him...one day at a time.  God's will - his good, pleasing and perfect will, will win and prevail in the end - if it hasn't yet, the end hasn't come.  

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."  -Matthew 7:7-8

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, 

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, 

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."  -Matthew 5:3-12

"My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,

and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, 

and if you look for it as silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.  He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.  Then you will understand what is right and just and fair - every good path.  For wisdom will enter your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.  Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you."  -Proverbs 2:1-11

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."  -James 1:2-8

Dance on...