This was spurred on by my coming across a new movement within the church to intentionally expand "deep spiritual friendships between men and women".
Personally, I affirm and support the goals this movement is trying to accomplish. However, I do not agree or support the approach their taking, at least to my understanding and as a recovering codependent and love addict. The issues being addressed in this movement are valid and clearly exist. For example: "Promoting understanding between the sexes that in turn leads to greater justice and equality between men and women ..." -Valid goal. What I'm concerned and disturbed with is the solution being promoted. The belief that these goals will be accomplished in having "good, healthy, friendships between men and women..." That sounds harmless, even noble, right? But the desire is also stated as:
"We desire to create a gathering where thinking people can ask honest questions, engage in healthy conversation, seek encouragement, and share stories and experiences of deep, spiritual friendship between men and women."
I realize not everyone struggles with this addiction or affliction. But I cannot minimize or downplay the exploding number of people who are either directly or indirectly affected by this or similar addictions (sex and/or love addiction, codependency and/or romance addiction etc.) who either are aware of it or not. It is of epidemic proportions in our culture, inside and outside of the church. Why? Because we as a human race are broken and wounded, and we inadvertently attempt to heal our wounds or act out (usually sub-consciously) from unhealed wounds in the ways we interact with members of the opposite sex, which can lead to devastation. It's a slow fade...
True - we are redeemed by the finished work of Christ, and are in the process of progressively being restored to harmony with ourselves and others (sanctification), but we also live in a broken world where we have an enemy who prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour, usually an unsuspecting someone (1 Peter 5:8). We're warned to be aware of the devil's schemes, so that he may not outwit us (2 Corinthians 2:11), to be self-controlled and alert.
Do we combat this with trying to be bold and fearless through ignorantly playing with fire to prove our boldness? I don't buy it. What then, do I propose as the alternative solution?
Well, to propose a solution, first we need to try and pinpoint the root of the problems.
I see the underlying issues of our hyper-sexualized culture coming from identity issues. Who am I? What does it mean to be a man or a woman? What defines my value? Our culture's system is pervasively rooted in finding your source of identity, worthiness and value from a cross-gender relationship. Movies and songs make tons of profit off this pervasive lie. In the church, this often is disguised in classifying people by their marital-status. Cross-gender relationships can involve either sexual intimacy or just emotional intimacy, with member(s) of the opposite sex within a platonic friendship. In my opinion, based on personal experience and others sharing their own personal experiences with me surrounding the issue of cross-gender friendships of an intimate nature, the benefits or rewards do not outweigh the risks. Not even close.
If you want to understand the opposite sex, and you're married - start and end with your spouse. Get to know them well. If you're single, go to your trusted opposite sex family members; siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles etc. If they aren't available or that isn't an option; read books, there are a ton on this subject matter, see a therapist of the opposite gender. Those are safe and boundaried ways to gain understanding and insight from the opposite sex about the opposite sex.
The core issues of identity and self-worth that encompass your sexuality, need to be addressed. When you have a solid understanding of the truth, and respect of yourself within the context of your sexuality and spirituality, you will have a reservoir to tap into when it comes to understanding the opposite sex. God is ultimately the source of that, and He will make provisions for your valid needs through relationships where you will not be up close and personal with temptation or denying that you're tempted thinking you're above that. (James 1:13-15)
The better solution, in my opinion -
Build and nurture healthy, intimate, authentic, non-sexual friendships with members of the same-sex. Now that is counter-cultural.
Our culture is obsessed with impressing and being affirmed by those of the opposite sex/gender. Why is it being portrayed as unique and bold to try and build intimate, boundaried, non-sexual, cross-gender friendships? It's so common! I came from that mentality and background, outside of the church. I didn't have close, intimate and authentic friendships with other females, because it was hard to trust them and be vulnerable with them. It was a cop-out to build those kinds of friendships with members of the opposite sex. It was easier to remain at a distance with women, but fool myself into thinking I was being "real" within my "boundaried" friendships with guys.
You want to pursue having "bold boundaries" in your friendships? Do it by keeping your closest most intimate non-sexual friendships within your own gender. Same-gender = safer boundary. The most sacred and deepest cross-gender friendship you can have is with your spouse. If you're married, you have that one person of the opposite sex to build and nurture that with, plus benefits! If you're single, then you can still have experiences of healthy, deep, authentic, non-sexual spiritual friendships within your same gender -minus the temptation.
There are some bold boundaries for ya, stay within your own gender. Boundaries in your relationships are meant to protect and nurture you. We all need them. They protect you from danger, and they allow the good in while keeping the harmful out.
In my opinion, the efforts behind this movement focused on building cross-gender close relationships (including married individuals to the opposite sex who aren't their spouse) is an invitation for trouble. In contrast, having healthy, deep and intimate relationships within the same gender are very beneficial (regardless of your marital status). Our culture, here in the West isn't so strong in that area as other cultures around the globe are. Perhaps our homophobic issues are backfiring? Does limiting your closest friendships to those of the same gender sound boring, depriving and contrite to you? That's a red flag that you should NOT pursue close cross-gender friendships because the likelihood that you're using those friendships to heal intimacy wounds is present.
Just like with any relationship, risks of being hurt or disappointed exist within same-gender friendships. But the benefits far outweigh the risks. It's a far safer relationship/friendship to heal your intimacy wounds in. Your feelings might get offended at times, which you can work through and can result in growing you and bringing you closer to your friend. But once the emotional and physical boundaries have been crossed by someone of the opposite sex, the pain and clean up goes beyond just being offended and mended by talking things over. It can destroy families, careers, ministries, people's health, etc. And it all starts with having ignorance guiding you in setting your boundaries.
The rewards do not outweigh the risks. Especially when there is an alternative that is much safer. A good example of this type of friendship from the Bible? King David and Jonathon (1 Samuel 18:1), Ruth and Naomi (Ruth 1:16-18). Paul and Silas had a spiritually deep friendship, they sang hymns to God together in prison that resulted in a violent earthquake that shook the foundation of the prison, freeing them! (Act 1:25-26).
Let's not fight ignorance of boundaries, with ignorance of boundaries, disguised as a bold movement to provide healing intimacy in high-risk relationships. What is sacred about that? I cringe at that misguided belief. It's playing with fire, when there are alternative methods that aren't nearly as likely to result in explosions. Affairs start somewhere, usually it's between two unsuspecting innocent cross-gender friends. You don't have to be a prude, just be shrewd.
“I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." -Matthew 10:16
"Flee from sexual immorality...." - 1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from it, don't try and play super-spiritual Christian by placing yourself in the path of temptation.
"Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." - 1 Timothy 5:2
Not just sexual purity, but emotional/spiritual purity - reserving emotional and spiritual intimacy with someone of the opposite sex for marriage. We are more than just physical bodies. Reserve unveiling the deepest, most intimate parts of you (mind, body and spirit) for intimacy with someone of the opposite sex within the sacred boundaries through the covenant of marriage. Consider soul ties.
You're free to agree or disagree with my position. I'm sure those behind the movement for expanding cross-gender friendships within the church are all well-intentioned and they do voice their reasons to rally behind this effort. I just disagree with them.
As the old saying goes: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
To each their own...and this is my lifestyle choice surrounding cross-gender relationships. I've shared why, because my particular perspective isn't articulated by them or their bloggers, at least to my knowledge. On a personal note: The one time I believed it was safe or OK to make an exception to this boundary, people were deeply hurt. Thank God, He intervened on my ignorance.
Decide for yourself.
Peace,
Kristen
