"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." - 1 John 3:16
You, dear Reader, are being invited into my inner-persevering process on love. My train of thought may or may not seem cohesive here. On the other hand, you may find my train of thought rather refreshing, as I chisel out my searching definition of love, as I understand it today. I admit with no reservation, I am still trying to figure out what the hell love is. The reason I write this post (as is the reason I write many posts) is to gain clarity as I wrestle through my confusion and long-standing conundrum in trying to fine-tune my understanding of that which seems elusive to me: Love between humans.
Where do my thoughts go when I try to define love? It's a mixture of my own thoughts and repeating what I've heard others say about love:
Love is an action word. Love is a Person. God is love. Love is something freely chosen, freely given, and freely received. It's not just a feeling, although the presence of feelings don't necessarily polarize the presence of love, and the absence of feelings doesn't necessarily abdicate the presence of love. Love is a basic need. Love is demonstrated through my willingness to sacrificially ascribe worth to another, despite their "earning" this, by my actions. Love isn't self-centered. Love is willing to give until it hurts, then some.
I'm called to love. To love God, and to love my neighbor as myself. My neighbor is anyone I come across, whether it's on the phone, in-person, over the internet, or what have you.
Why does the way I want to interpret this call to love, and the way a deeper part of me actually does interpret this seem to have such irreconcilable differences? There is a part of me that rejoices with this command to love. It feels great and freeing. It feels affirming and validating. This is when I perceive me being the receiver of the love. But, there is a hidden part of me that is fighting to bust out of the shame-closet that's been kept in chains there by believing the lie that it's safer to remain in that closet, then be exposed. This only protects the shame, not me the carrier of it. By me bringing this out of the closet, and acknowledging this out loud for myself and others, is freeing. It arrests shame, not me. Shame can no longer intrude on my life from the hidden inner-cervices of my heart.
This is how that hidden part of me interprets the call to love...
It's debasing, contradictory, and even self-abusive. But - it is how God is pleased and glorified? It's the kind of love the impresses God and reflect what Jesus did on the cross. It's Calvary-like love..dying to self.
Oh. My. God. It feels like a "holy" trap. In order to love others, I must sacrifice my own self and be willing to receive mistreatment for the benefit of another? WTF? That is what the holy people do, right? They are able to take it like a champ, and give sacrificially because they are just. that. holy.
I struggle with seeing myself living this out and not feeling resentful of myself, others, and this God who commands this of me. I want to scream and punch the air, saying: HELL. NO. IT'S. NOT. RIGHT.
Oh, but this would make me sound like a spoiled brat. An ungrateful, arrogant, tantruming child who demands to have their way and cannot tolerate not getting her way. Shame on you. Shut up and know your place in life. Grow-up. What a self-centered person I must be. How un-godly.
How does one reconcile these two very different interpretations and reactions to this call to love others?
Great question. I don't have a profound answer. But I'm searching. I'm knocking. I'm seeking. I'm asking. - And I believe I will receive.
My first strategy in detangling this complex mystery is by going after the root of these beliefs that rip apart myself to shreds, for honestly asking these tough questions. If anyone wants to join in on that mission - well, is that loving?
I believe in the core of my spirit, that the latter interpretation I have of the call to love as sounding like it's endorsing abusive self-negligence, is deeply rooted in lies I was given of who I am in the first place. The source? -wounds and trauma that took place before I could even crawl, let alone verbalize these messages. So don't effing blame the victim.
I am on the journey to heal that, to reconcile my interpretation of love, by first trying to reconcile who I am and why I think the way I do about myself and others, beyond the conscious level of awareness. What I mean by that is by looking closely at how I live, how I show up in my relationships, who I've trusted myself to and the outcome of that. By how I've lived my life, how does this reflect how I think of myself and how I value myself. By my WALK, not my talk.
Inviting others whom I trust into this journey is a non-negotiable for me. I cannot do this in isolation. It's hard though, because my trauma and wounds when left alone, want to self-protect by prevention of letting others in, so deeply. But...as I take baby steps, one risk at a time, and learn who to invite in and who not to, and how far...I grow. I heal. One step at a time. Many of these women, I have met in the Rahab Society. They are near and dear to my heart. They are indispensable gifts.
While I cannot currently map out the reconciliation of these two different reactions to the call to love others sacrificially, as articulately as I'd like. I do believe, I'm getting closer and closer to being able to do that...as I walk with others and with God in this journey of recovery. One day, I'll be able to articulate that by how I live, not by how I talk.
