In Luke 2:41-52 we have a scene where Jesus, at age twelve (pre-teen) was missing from his parents, for three days.
On the surface, his parents seem neglectful, and Jesus seems disrespectful. Digging deeper however, I see Jesus responding to his parents by being obedient, not codependent, and how his parents responded to him. That's the hidden lesson I'm personally seeing revealed in this account. It's perfect timing for me, God knows.
Jesus and his parents went to Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover. After the Feast while returning home, Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. Jesus was twelve; old enough to not be under his parents' supervision for the day. When they realized he wasn't with them, and couldn't find him with any of their friends and relatives; they went back to Jerusalem in search of him.
Three days later, they found him in the temple courts. His parents were very surprised when they saw him. His mother said to him,
"Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you." (Luke 2:48)
- Pause -
Will Jesus apologize to his parents? Will he be saying he should've known better? Will Jesus attempt to rescue his mother from her anxious feelings by issuing an apology, and trying to console his mother? Wouldn't that have been the most respectful and proper response -for Jesus to attend to the anxious feelings of his suffering parents? Especially, his mother?
-Nope. What?!
Did he at least submissively answer his mother's question?
-Nope.
He responded by honestly questioning his parents:
"Why were you searching for me?"
"Didn't you know I had to be in my Father's house?" (Luke 2:49)
Jesus, how rude! How inconsiderate!
Me, being a parent, and counting ahead three days from today, imagining my child being missing during that entire time (a parent's worst nightmare) then finally finding my child and being questioned without any regard to what I'd been through, would upset me. I don't think his parents expected that for a response. It probably wasn't a culturally normal response from a Hebrew son to his parents before the first century, I'm guessing at least...
"But they did not understand what he was saying to them." (Luke 2:50)
Lesson:
Twelve-year-old Jesus didn't own what didn't belong to him, but instead to his parents - their anxious feelings. He didn't apologize for treated them a certain way, because he didn't do anything to them, even though his loving mother said he did.
It was nothing new, Jesus loved being in the temple, passionately asking and answering questions amongst the teachers, about God. How could his parents not have known he'd be in the temple? Didn't they know him? It appears as if 12-year-old Jesus was also surprised that his parents didn't think to look for him where he loved to be...at the temple courts sitting among the teachers.
Application:
My children are not responsible for managing my anxiety, or any of my feelings, through their behavior. Jesus seemed to have understood this healthy boundary. He didn't sin by questioning his parents. He wasn't doing anything wrong in not being codependent and having an over-developed sense of responsibility for his mother's feelings. Jesus didn't seem to understand why they didn't know to look for him in the temple, and his parents didn't seem to understand why he didn't understand. Does this sort of parent-child conflict sound familiar? Nonetheless, he was obedient, even though his parents weren't happy he had stayed back in the temple courts, for three days without their awareness.
Did his parents put him in check and "discipline", rebuke and guilt Jesus, as "godly" parents should do? No, because they didn't enter into a power struggle with their son, where they felt they had to defend their parental position of authority. They weren't indignant with Jesus. They didn't consider him to be disrespectful by his questioning them. They didn't get offended, because they didn't take it personally. And this fostered a safe enough relationship where Jesus was able to question his parents in the presence of their strong emotions. He wasn't intimidated by them, yet he was obedient. He felt safe with his parents while they were upset.
Jesus returned to Nazareth with his parents, and was obedient to them. His mother didn't try to punish or carry any grudge against her son for "how he treated them" and for his questioning them when they finally found him. Instead, Scripture says:
"...But his mother treasured all these things in her heart." (Luke 2:51)
How does this scene end in Scripture?
"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." (Luke 2:52)
It ended cleanly. No invisible, hidden baggage of resentment on either sides...and it freed up his mother to be able to treasure this in her heart, not holding or hiding a buried offense. As for the adolescent Jesus, he grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man. That confronts the pervasive myth that rebellion and dysfunction comes automatically with the territory of adolescent-hood.
Mary and Joseph could have understandably felt disrespected by Jesus not staying with them and not telling them he was staying back in Jerusalem, and maybe making them look bad in front of their family and friends. They could have taken offense at how he questioned them when they found him. But they didn't. There was grace over and above offense.
Jesus could have anxiously apologized and made amends for the anxiety his parents experienced while they were looking for him. But he didn't. He didn't loose his footing in his mother's emotions, but didn't lash out at her either. As their son, he didn't take responsibility for controlling or regulating the emotional thermostat of his parents. He wasn't rude about it, but he honestly questioned his parents about the situation at hand. Following this, he didn't disobey them. There was grace over and above offense.
Grace is a very powerful and effective parenting tool, which involves not taking your child's behavior personally and expecting them to take responsibility for how you feel in response to their behavior. Jesus demonstrated his understanding of boundaries, being set with grace, not pompousness. His parents did too when they responded to his questioning them without defensiveness. They didn't wait for him to "behave well" in order to give him grace first. Jesus felt safe enough to question his parents directly. He didn't silently submit and obey. And his parents where OK with that. Grace was stronger than offense.
You can read the story in Luke 2:41-52 below:
"Every year Jesus’ parents went to Jerusalem for the Festival of the Passover. When he was twelve years old, they went up to the festival, according to the custom. After the festival was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.”
“Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” But they did not understand what he was saying to them.
Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man."
I needed to see this today. I'm grieved over children not being given the freedom and safety to ask questions to their parents when they're accused of doing wrong by them. I'm no saint in my parenting though, and I've been guilty of not extending grace when it was needed, many times. But with this new insight, I feel even more encouraged and affirmed in allowing children the opportunity to ask me questions, without any shame that I'm letting them "get away" with challenging my authority.
Offense is a primary bait of Satan. I can take care to not take things so personally from others, including my children. After all, I'm here for them, they aren't here for me.
