Am + end = Amend

When any part of what I am doing or am not doing (past or present) has harmed or caused damage to other people, I make amends.  To make amends is to mend or repair something that's been broken or damaged, as a result of my behavior which has contributed and/or been responsible for harm.  This will almost always involve an end to that which has caused the harm.

There are behaviors I make amends for that I alone, in my own human efforts, am powerless to end.  Powerless, not helpless.  This is where my understanding of living amends applies.  It's not a one-time done-deal action.  If I've borrowed money and not paid someone back yet, paying them back is the action of making amends.  I end the outstanding debt I have with them by repayment.

Something more complex than this could be a certain attitude or behavioral pattern I've carried out that's harmful.  In making a living amends, my goal is to end that behavior by seeking out help as needed, to overcome or make progress in that area of my hurtful character or behavioral struggles.  Blame will only cripple me from making and following through with my living amends.  I can own my character defects without being offended by them, when I'm operating from the truth that I am not defined by what I do.

Who I am and my value from who I am is not extracted from what I do or have done.  There is a distinction.  My living amends can involve me continuing to make progress towards living out who I want to be, in terms of my desired character traits, and having my choices reflect that, one day at a time.

Often, to amend is to own what I am doing that is harmful to myself and/or others, and end that.
Am (harmful behavior I am doing) + making an end to that = Amend

I'm realizing that living amends are the toughest amends to make, I am dependent on God to assist me in walking out my living amends.  The follow through is continuous, but so are the rewards.

Making Amends

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

-Step 8 of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

The first step I take is to make a list of all persons I've harmed.  Ironically, the list has already been started.  I just pull out my "resentments" list from my 4th step moral inventory, and I'll find I have a good start to this list of persons I've harmed.  Out of the varying resentments I feel towards others, from long ago or not so long ago, I most likely will have hurt these people in either passive or aggressive ways, or a combination of being passive-aggressive.

Ouch.  My status of victim is being undermined, and the credibility underlying my feelings of entitled finger pointing primarily out instead of in is being challenged.  Ouch.  Makes me want to cry victim all the more.

This is not about blaming the victim.  It isn't about blame.  It's about taking responsibility and ownership by reclaiming my life from a place of empowerment, not powerlessness.  In Step 1, it was critical for me to admit powerlessness.  In doing Steps 2 and 3, my powerlessness has been admitted and surrendered to my Higher Power's power.  If it were up to just me calling the shots, I wouldn't want to think of people I've hurt, let alone make direct amends to them, on the way to being empowered.  But that is the way of my Higher Power, which I've chosen as Jesus Christ, being at work through my surrender.

In order to remove the shame that will trigger my defensiveness from being enlisted, I must practice rigorous honesty with humility, which prepares me to approach doing the second part of Step 8; 

"....and became willing to make amends to them all." 

I've been hurt by others, and I myself have also hurt others.  My actions or in-actions that have harmed others is something I am not proud of.  On the contrary, I'm quite ashamed and would rather just let bygones be bygones and move on without any further ado.  That is what I'm used to doing, and how has that worked?  -Not too well.  In order for me to feel supported and not threatened or offended as I face into the ways I've harmed others, I must first forgive myself.  When I have become willing to make amends to all who I've harmed, I do it from a place of acknowledging my character defects and shortcomings, but not being defined by them.  I can incorporate self-acceptance when my actions or behaviors no longer are defining me, to myself, having been guided by doing a Step 6:

 "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." 

and Step 7:

 "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings."

Out of trusting that I've been forgiven by my Higher Power (vertical forgiveness), I can extend self-forgiveness and go about my way in making things right horizontally with my fellow human beings (making amends), as best I can.  The reward is inherent, not dependent on the outcome of my making amends.  The faith I have that I am forgiven is acted out by me taking action to make amends with those I've harmed.  I make amends for my own sake, not for the sake of winning favor with others.  If I do that, I cannot afford to have them reject my amends or not fully accept them the way I want.  I cannot afford their freedom to respond the way they choose to.  I co-sign my being in bondage to how the person responds.  This becomes dangerous to me and my recovery/path of transformation.  My motives need to support my recovery, by making amends out of a willingness and sincere humility, not out of a manipulation tactic to get into good graces with those I've hurt.  The person I make amends to owes me nothing in return.  If I have ulterior motives that demands that they now owe me something, I am digging a hole for myself to fall into.  If I believe I'm making amends for their sake, it's hard to not expect to be repaid or rewarded in return..  If I do it for my own sake, I can reward myself in knowing I've done the right thing for the right reason -to clean up my side of the street.  If anyone owes anything, it's me owing them my gratitude for giving me the opportunity to hear my attempt to make amends for the harm I've caused.  I leave the results in God's hands.

These reflections were spawned by reading, Twelve Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone: Choosing Emotional Sobriety through Self-Awareness and Right Action  by Allen Berger, PhD. -Awesome, awesome book by the way, for not only those in recovery, but those who have a desire to grow and change into their best selves.


Disclaimer: My referring to the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous does not indicate that what I share represents Alcoholics Anonymous.  What I share here is representative of my own thoughts at the time of sharing them.  
Also, per my own sponsor and the collective wisdom of others in recovery - don't ever attempt to do a Step 9 alone, without the help of your sponsor.

Kristen's blah blah blah blog: Step One - Admission & Powerlessness

Step One - Admission & Powerlessness: I'm in the process of working the Twelve Steps for the first time. Several months ago, I couldn't have pictured myself considering doin...

Slogan Commentary Corner - A Progressive Work...

"You're only as sick as your secrets."

-Secrets protect shame from being dismantled.  Shame's best weapon and defense is secrecy.  Operating from this refuge made by secrecy, shame easily reinforces the "need" for these toxic secrets.  This in turn creates the perfect incubator for toxic shame's authority being in full operation, cunningly being disguised as an ally in life.

In contrast, self-disclosure through honest confession opens the potential to neutralize the sting of shame by exchanging it for empathy and compassion, from invited insiders.  Self-disclosure in the beginning phases of recovery and healing is best when not done before a captive audience made up of people who have no accountability with what they do with your personal information.  Usually the best people to first practice vulnerable self-disclosure with have either been in your position of vulnerability, or authentically respect it.  The ideal candidate for being your invited insider to practicing pre-meditated self-disclosure with will often carry experiences of themselves having to carefully select people in their own life for this purpose.  The result often leads to the disarming of shame by applying the antidote of empathy and compassion.  If the candidate does not carry this experience themself, they value the practice and principles of this essential part of healing and recovery and fully support YOU.

"Recovery is for those who want it, not need it."

The key to powerful personal transformation in recovery/discipleship is neediness willingness, and lots of it, one day at a time.  Often, the admission ticket into gaining willingness is received after opening the circumstantial gift of desperation, which leads to either despair or hope.  People have to hit bottom before willingness is powerfully present, but our bottom can vary in how low it has to go, depending on many factors.  When I bring my willingness to the table, God's power manifests in amazing ways, from the ordinary to the extraordinary.  My hope and prayer for me and my loved ones is that God will raise the bottom, and I've witnessed it.  Complete catastrophe isn't a pre-requisite for change to be sought, though it won't go in vain if it was what launched willingness to into action.



...more coming soon....

Love to Fear & Fear to Love

There is no fear in love.  But perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  -1 John 4:18

I do not easily trust.  

I struggle to varying degrees to trust: 

people, namely myself, 

my perspective,

my surroundings,

my environment,

my judgment,

my insights, 

my feelings,

my thoughts.

I struggle in varying degrees to trust other people's:

perspectives, 

judgments,

insights,

feelings,

thoughts,

facial expressions,

body language,

words,

and actions.

This is not a pre-meditated fear or a pre-meditated mistrust towards life.  It's much more pervasive than that.  The need to meditate in order for fear to function isn't needed.  It's present and active while on auto-pilot.  It's there on default.  While on the contrary, it takes far more pre-meditation to consciously choose not to fear, and instead to trust.  

I fear the consequences of trusting in what I see or in what is shown to me.  I fear I'll be believing lies or drawing false conclusions based on what seemed to be true to me.  Why?  My first experiences in life made a lasting footprint by trusting the untrustworthy which has robbed me of a center, an anchor, a reference point, a refuge, a sense of safety in accepting reality as it is, and most of all - an identity.

In order to survive the trauma of abandonment by my birth mother during my first year of life in Korea, and being re-traumatized by having no solid attachment to my adoptive parents here, a split had to occur.  I had to part ways from reality, because accepting life on life's terms was dangerous and life-threatening to that child, which was me.  A false-self was then born out of the need to survive and accept life on life's terms.  This false-self was created, from the drive to survive (not thrive) during my formative childhood years, when foundational bonding and attachment take place.  There is great terror and fear in letting go of this false-self, for she has been the source of where any sense of identity I've related to has existed.  The "invisible control panel" for how I've interacted with life has been fiercely protected and sanctioned to the corners of the "sub-conscious drive" of my brain.  The need to part ways and differentiate from this false self, is becoming very apparent.  It feels terrifying though, because I do not yet fully know who I am apart from this false-identity which has been ingeniously created by the need to survive trauma which has been played out through much of my life.  The locusts have eaten much - but the Lord is in the process of redeeming it all - (Joel 2:25-27).

  

This false-self or false-identity (I use these terms interchangeably) isn't evil.  She isn't "bad".  I'm learning to not judge her or shame her anymore, for this just reinforces the lie that she's still needed for protection.  Think about it, if the false-self receives shame, what would happen to the true or authentic-self (used interchangeably) who still feels very vulnerable and fragile, if she were the one to receive this shame instead?  -Profound pain.  The true-self has believed she needs the protection of the false-self to absorb the shame so she can hide safely behind the front of the false-self.  That was a survival tactic, which is no longer working in my favor.  Far from it.  Though the false-self is not "bad" or "evil"- she is not pure, as in she has intermixed with other personalities or personas than what was originally created in the beginning in her pure form.  This is a result of an operation system functioning on false values - the corruption of humanity's dethroned spiritual position in creation due to the fall.

I will explain further:

The false-self is an adulterated version of the authentic-true self.  I'm using the word "adulterate"a s a verb, not a noun.  The definition provided by Merriam-Webster for the action word "Adulterate": to corrupt, debase, or make impure by the addition of a foreign or inferior substance or element; especially: to prepare for sale by replacing more valuable with less valuable or inert ingredients."  
In my own words: It's the outcome of having the presence of at least one additive contaminating our identity, often without our full awareness.

Funny how the word "adult" is in this word.  I instantly think of the opposite of an adult  -a child.  An adult is the adulterated version of what was once purely a child; which is the pure and authentic self, before any additives or unnatural or inauthentic; elements, personalities, identities, or components have been mixed in, debasing what was once a purely organic identity (or race of identities) created uniquely by the Creator Himself, to reflect His own authentic image.

The word "truth" means to simply uncover.  Who am I when uncovered by this false-self?  I cannot only be rid of the false self.  For my interpretation of the following words from Jesus warns me of only taking half-measures:

"When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it.  Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.'  When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and in order.  Then he goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there.  And the final condition of that person is worse than the first."  -Matthew 12:43-45

My "house" is to be occupied by the true-authentic self, not to be swept clean and put in order.  For the true and authentic-self residing inside is only bound up with the goal of keeping the house swept clean and in order.  When it's occupied, especially by children, it is often not clean and in order.  But it is being occupied.  And perhaps when the false self comes back, it will clearly see evidence that this house is now occupied.  Granted, it'll be messy and not in order, but this will clearly communicate "no vacancy" and the false self, or as the term used in this Scripture "the impure spirit" will move on.

Fear casts out love.  Fear causes trepidation when personal rejection or shame is anticipated (consciously or sub-consciously).  When fear is behind the steering wheel, the authentic-self goes hiding behind the false-adulterated self.  Why?  -Because it was created to receive and then give love.  And perfect love casts out fear just as effectively as fear casts out perfect love.  The way the the authentic-self "copes" when operating out of fear is by creating the false-self to help absorb any rejection or shame that opposes love.  But when the authentic-self is being nurtured with truth and grace, the false self can take an early retirement.  The defensive tactics that involve the role of the false-self is no longer needed.  The false-self helps to absorb rejection and shame, but also absorbs and circumvents authentic love being fully received by the authentic-self.  What is the main qualifier for the false-self being needed?  -Fear's high position.  When fear is de-throned, the false-self is out of a job.

The "love" or recognition the false-self receives is withheld from the authentic-self, because IT is first in line and gets first dibs.  This creates an often undetected barrier to intimacy by blocking authentic love going out and coming in; from God, self and others.

What then, will protect the true-authentic self from absorbing shame and rejection if the false-self is removed?  Humility.  Humility voluntarily assumes the lowest place in the pecking order.  Why?  -Because it's not buying into the popular notion that the need to one-up others in order to be somebody is at all necessary.  In fact, humility opens the eyes to seeing it as an utter waste of precious time.

The rules of the Humility Game state that the one who comes in last wins the race.  Huh?  Yes, that's right.  The one who's last is first.  Therefore there's no striving to beat others and be over and above them in order to win.  Being considered last by others isn't a threat when that is not being seen as a threat to victory.  This isn't about personal worth and value.  When you know the truth of your personal worth and value and operate out of that, humility doesn't seem like such a scary and unwanted character trait to either be faked or repelled.

If we fear loosing that which we are convinced is needed in order to win (one-upping others), fear then wins.  If we do not fear loosing, because that is life's best kept secret to truly winning in this life, then the false-self becomes extra baggage that's only going to cause me burn-out for expensive diminishing returns.

Invest into the stock market that supports and profits the authentic-self in returns for eternal dividends that result in increasing inner-peace, one day at a time.

In the Kingdom of God, as I'm beginning to perceive it - the rules of the game are completely different than the rules of the game in the kingdoms of the earth.  Because the value system is completely different.  The Kingdom of God turns over the rules of the kingdoms of the earth on their head, and turns loosing into a winning edge.

Fear is no longer needed in perfect love, because perfect love casts out fear.

To Be Thick But Soft, Or Not To Be..

I have a character goal, and I believe an achievable one.  My eyes are being opened to those who are currently living this dream or goal out, or reaching for it along with me.  I admire then immensely.  They are a rare gift to treasure.  I'm very thankful for the opportunity to rub shoulders with them, for I greatly desire to live in this more myself.  The cost is not cheap.  The road is not straight and flat.  But not only do I believe the destination is worth it, the journey is also, which encompasses my life lived on earth, from this day forward.

Goal: To be thick-skinned, yet soft hearted.  

I have to confess that I've been the reverse, and still struggle with its results.  But now I can at least say I'm struggling, not settling.  The struggle is starting to pay off, in little bits and pieces and they are priceless.  I'm able to really enjoy the little victories because I've spent much of my life being thin-skinned and hard-hearted, thinking that's the way I had to live in order to manage my fear and reduce my pain.  Much of my way of life has been steered by my fear of pain, which included denying and hiding my fear of pain.

Being thick skinned means I am not easily offended.  I do not take things personally.  Being soft-hearted means I am not distant and disengaged in my relationships as a pre-requisite or maintenance plan to achieving this goal.  Far from it.  I am in close fellowship with others and am constantly engaging in life, up close and personal with others.

Imagine me:
Where I am impacted by others to varying degrees depending on the relationship I have with them, but I am not dependent on them for my peace and sense of who I am.  Forsaking my tendency to have a hard-heart, I become sensitive to the different thoughts, feelings and experiences of others. I do not have to fully understand or relate to them in order to sincerely honor them.  I don't need to dishonor or devalue those who have different thoughts, feelings, or perspectives from their experiences, nor do I become threatened by them if they cannot honor mine.  I am not indifferent though.  I do not operate out of apathy, nor do I lack empathy.  For to do so would require a hard-heart.

A hard-heart does not get hurt by others.  It does not care much about what others think or feel.  It is indifferent.  A hard-heart is impermeable and is not threatened by overt rejection or passive-disapproval.  A hard-heart doesn't grieve over losses because it doesn't feel them.  It cannot afford to, it cannot afford much of anything for it carries a balance of zero.  It has nothing in the negative, nothing in the positive.  It breaks even.  No risk involved, it plays it safe to feel protected.  But it's alone.  In response to the sting of loneliness and isolation, it can only afford to shut-down.  The hard-heart doesn't receive rejection or intentionally reject others.  It's too busy protecting itself, it doesn't necessarily think about others, for that is too risky for it might open the door to being hurt.

In contrast, a soft-heart is vulnerable.  It can be hurt, it can feel pain and loss, because it can afford to grieve without going bankrupt.  The soft-heart can receive love and intimacy.  It gives and it takes, it's fluid, not stagnant.

Thick-skin is needed to embody the soft heart, so it's not easily crushed.  The thick-skin doesn't get easily injured upon being rubbed up against by those who are nearby.  You see the thing is, when I'm in close contact with others by sharing myself with them, I make myself vulnerable.  I take on a risk.  I will inevitably get bumped into from time to time.  It comes with the territory of being in authentic relationships with humans.  People are imperfect, and even a little clumsy.  People can love and people can disappoint others.  But the condition of thick-skin doesn't thinly expose the heart to being easily crushed when it's bumped into from being in close, and even messy relationships with other imperfect human beings.

Contrary to fear-based beliefs, the way to live is not to disarm people from being able to hurt me by hardening my heart, preventing it from receiving pain because this also prevents love from entering in.  With this goal in mind, fear of pain cannot steer my life.  For when it does, it drives out love.

There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. [pain] -John 4:18

The journey forward to arrive at this goal to be thick-skinned yet soft-hearted takes a lifetime.  But what else would I rather do with my one and only lifetime?

Live free, live in love.