Calculated Vulnerability

"Come near to God and He will come near to you."
James 4:8

Coming near to God means bringing the full measure of myself to Him.  All of my parts, the good the bad and the ugly.  God's response?  -He comes near to me, He meets me there.  He matches my vulnerability with intimacy.  Intimacy; not rejection, not judgement, not shame, and not hiding himself from me.

How far of a cry my experience has been with people, including Christians, especially Christians.  I've not been exempt from doing that.  When I've made myself vulnerable to another by showing all parts of me...especially showing my neediness, my experience starting from childhood, is that people tend to close up and act kinda funny.  I run into a wall when I express needs, especially of an emotional nature.

Being needy has been taught to me to be a sign of weakness or a liability in one's psyche or personality.  I've bought into that lie, way more than I wish.  I've thought it was too dangerous to show my needs to others, especially "strong Christians", because it will and has scared some away.  Now I can say, "Good riddance." and bid them farewell.  They will not do me any favors by influencing me to be like that anymore than I already am.  I'm asking God to grant me repentance from being like that and to give me courage to change what I can, with His aid.  But the true fleshing it out is done precisely in fleshing it out.  It's not by trying to brainwash myself in isolation and rewire my thoughts alone.  It happens in relationships with others.  The winning team includes God, me and others.  I want to surround myself with people who will help me grow into the likeness of God, not the religious people I've grown to pity.  I'm realizing, how ungodly of a response to vulnerabilities that truly is...and it's contagious.  I also realize since I'm not God with limitless resources within, I cannot meet all the needs I'm presented with, He will guide me though.  But I don't need to shun anyone away because of their vulnerability factor.  God will guide me in re-directing them as needed.  He does that to me at times, by others.  It grows my "trust muscles" in having to wait a little sometimes :)

When I'm shunned or judged after becoming vulnerable I know that God is not being reflected there.  Far from it.  People who cannot handle the needs of others for love and connection and intimacy on a deeper level reflect something other than God.  Maybe their reflecting their fears, that's what I think I'm doing when I do that.  God responds to expressed vulnerability and needs by drawing close.  What a lie I've believed to think that it's the "dysfunctional" or "needy" people who are unsafe because of their needs, and to pull away from them in response, in a nice way of course.  That is more of a reflection of me and my stuff, not theirs.  And the same goes for others who do this to me.  God doesn't get intimidated by my needs or the longings to have them fulfilled.  He weaved them into the human soul.  Neither is He is fooled by people's lack of awareness of their needs or by their denial of them.  He embraces those who accepts and not resists, their need for love and connection at a deep level.  This need is a trait of humans which distinguishes us from the rest of creation, otherwise we are just very intelligent animals.

Making myself vulnerable is being willing to be hurt, criticized and even attacked by others.  If I were not at risk for that, I wouldn't be vulnerable and I wouldn't be a reflection of Jesus.  Love involves risk -loving others and being loved by others, puts me at risk for getting hurt.  But it is a very calculated and premeditated risk.  Jesus did this when He entered the human race as an infant.  He came to a war-zone as a baby and entered this world which had powers and principalities in high places who hated him.  He knew it would cost Him everything, including His own life - being nailed to the cross.  Yet that is the very thing God used to defeat Satan and give us freedom from the enemy's charge of sin against us.  God used the enemy's plan and hate tactics to work for His plan of salvation and redemption, and all the schemes of Satan backfired onto himself.  God allowed Satan to play all his cards, to his own demise.

But none of this would have happened if Jesus didn't make himself vulnerable.  There is strength in taking certain risks.  There is wisdom in premeditated and calculated vulnerability, for the benefit of others.  It'll likely come with an assault from the enemy, but the greater the assault, the greater the backlash on Satan and the greater the glory of God is revealed.

Remember, God is also a warrior, a brilliant one, not just a powerful one.  And a part of His brilliant warrior heart is making Himself vulnerable.

Spiritual Bypass - Shame Fuels the Flame

"Spiritual bypass" -- the use of spirituality to avoid or create a diversion from dealing with and confronting painful issues at the cognitive, emotional, physical and interpersonal levels.

"Involvement in spiritual teachings and practices can become a way to rationalize and reinforce old defenses. . . . Many of the "perils of the path" . . . result from trying to use spirituality to shore up developmental deficiencies.
—John Welwood (2000, p. 12) Awakening the heart: East-west approaches to psychotherapy and the healing relationship.

Well put.  Sometimes I wonder if the people who are most prone to spiritual bypassing are in the evangelical church.  I probably wonder that because that's been my own personal experience, and its aftereffects tend to linger.

Much of my individual work in recovery - including my recovery maintenance, heavily relies on applying a spiritual program of action -the 12 steps.  Though it's a spiritual program of action, the applications have covered far more than just thinking along spiritual lines, and the manifestation isn't exclusively at spiritual levels, it encompasses the cognitive, emotional, physical and interpersonal arenas.  For what good is a spiritual program of action if it doesn't have the capacity to make a profound impact at all levels?

I have not always interacted with life applying the tools from this program though.  I'm still a babe in recovery and in working the steps.  I was rather resistant in the beginning when I was initially introduced to the 12 steps and attended my first 12-step meeting.  Why?  Because I was an expert in spiritual bypassing, with my Pharisaical Evangelical Christian background, only recently having it challenged, by other Christians.

Whenever I sinned or behaved in a way in which I knew was nothing like Jesus, I would berate myself with Bible verses and shame (often while praying) for behaving or thinking the way I did.  If I even felt slightly hurt or offended by a circumstance or another person's actions or words, I would engage in this "spiritual" practice of shaming "truth" into my psyche.  I was addicted to using shame to medicate my aching heart, by anesthetizing its cries to be heard and to receive healing, from living most of my life with many basic emotional needs gone unmet or under-acknowledged.

The payoff?  -Feeling spiritually elite and self-righteous as a result of this practice, and most of all not facing or feeling the uncomfortable pain, which robbed me of the opportunity of discharging it through the painful process of honest grieving through acknowledging it, instead of shaming it.

In recovery, I am learning to accept those aches and pains by acknowledging them and meeting them with compassion instead of judgment and self-criticism (usually using Bible verses), and with growing confidence from believing that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, because I've turned my life and my will over to the care of God, as I understood Him.

I have spent the majority of my Christian life shaming myself for the way I've thought or felt, and tried to diligently pray and shame them away using Scripture -an extremely misguided use of both, but that is what I had in my own personal tool box of coping skills -spiritually and emotionally abusing myself, taking "truths" out of the context of grace, and in the stinging context of shame.  I didn't realize just how dangerous this was, because it felt so damn normal, and even spiritual.

I believe this is what hardened hearts are primarily made of, at least from my own experience.  Layers and layers of shame, gone unchallenged and un-resisted, because it's too painful to go there.  Instead, the needs for healing in the cognitive, emotional, and interpersonal levels were resisted, while my unmet needs in those areas went challenged by operating out of a belief system that resisted accepting those as legit needs, as God-given needs.

Shame is what fuels the hardening of hearts, with the lie that it's protecting the heart.  It is the gasoline that kept my engine running a hundred miles an hour while on the spiritual bypass.  In contrast, it is in the context of empathy and compassion, led by grace and truth - which is the healing ointment for my soul's aches and pains.

I am now learning that the missing link in me receiving this was in the application of giving and receiving this from myself, which was always available from an unlimited source:  God.  I'm the primary one that's blocked its reception from Jesus, out of shame in holding false beliefs for years and years even especially as a Christian.

In recovery, with Jesus Christ as my Higher Power, I'm learning to get it right with myself, for then I'm much better equipped for dealing with humanity and its vast limitations, in real-time.  It helps in preventing me from being as devastated and resentful as I historically have been when others didn't get it right with me, and vice versa.

By cutting out shame from my spiritual diet, I have a far better chance at tolerating loving humanity, including my own, one day at a time.

Double-Edged Sword - Use With Care

"For the Word of God is alive and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it [not the person using it] judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." -Hebrews 4:12

"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness [right-relatedness], so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."  - 2 Timothy 3:16-17

I am to apply the sword (the Word of God) carefully to myself with the loving support of others I trust.  In turn, I may also provide support for others who invite me to do so with themselves; using great care. 

My own understanding and convictions regarding the use of the Word of God are in the process of forming.  I've been guilty of mishandling the Word of God, towards myself and others.  Articulating my growing convictions on how-to and how-not-to use Scripture matters to me.  It helps me re-frame and define the role that Scripture plays in my life.

The Word of God isn't meant to promote or push my own agenda.  It's meant to thoroughly equip me for every good work, as a willing servant of God.

The Word of God needs to be rightly divided.  It must be correctly handled just like an actual double-edged sword does (2 Timothy 2:15).  Scripture isn't useful or profitable for equipping me when I primarily use it to apply to others.

Personally, I don't appreciate it when people twist my words around, and take them out of context to support things I do not support.  My words are the means to express who I am.  God's Word is an expression of Himself, a revelation of who He is (John 1:1).   As I see it, an appropriate way to use the Word of God by applying it to others, is towards building them up in their most holy faith, not tearing them down.  This is best done within relationships where the application of "the Sword" has been welcomed, because trust has been established.

Satan used the Word of God to push His own agenda, which did not include truthfully revealing God's heart.  He used the Word of God in an effort to accomplish building his kingdom, not God's.  Scripture was used by Satan to tempt Jesus, and to get him to fail His mission and calling in life.  How?  -He used the Word of God to challenge the identity of Jesus, it was used as bait to trap Jesus, but Jesus didn't take the bait.  He didn't fall for it by trying to validate His identity as God's Son by doing something He could have easily done to prove who He was to Satan (see Matthew 4:1-11).  

Jesus didn't need to have His identity
validated by his performance, measured by
how another viewed his "obedience" to Scripture.
Therefore, the trap Satan setup by misusing Scripture
didn't work on Jesus.  

Prove who you are by doing this is basically what Satan was telling Jesus to do, and he also quoted Scripture to "support" his challenge...

"The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." -Matthew 4:3

"If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down.  For it is written:

"'He will command his angels concerning you,

and they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'" - Matthew 4:6

How crafty.  
It didn't work.  
Jesus knew the Spirit of the Word of God, because He was and is the Living Word of God.  He didn't need to prove his identity through his performances, even when Scripture was quoted.  He knew who He was.  There was no need to prove it, though Satan was desperately trying to bait Jesus using Scripture to prove who he was to him.

When Satan uses people to accuse me of being what I know I am not - and I feel compelled to prove or validate myself to them to feel okay with myself, it's an awareness tool.  These kinds of experiences create the perfect opportunity for me to press into who I am in Christ, per God, and to agree with that, envision it and own it.  I am blessed in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.  I have been chosen in him before the creation of the world (not on my merits) and am holy and blameless in his sight.  I have been given God's glorious grace, freely in Christ.  In him, I have redemption through his blood (not my behaviors/feelings/thoughts/works) the forgiveness of sins, aligned with the riches of God's grace that He lavishes on me  (Ephesians 1:3-8).

Handling the Word of God by using it in the correct context, to reflect His heart and character is crucial.  Why?  -Because the Word of God isn't just a book - it's a person: Jesus Christ.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."  -John 1:1

When the Word of God is being used in a damaging way that wither covertly or blatantly challenges who I am in Christ, I've been given the experience of Jesus himself to follow:  Own the truth for myself first and foremost, attach it to my identity, along with using the Word of God in its correct context - which requires trusted community I've invited in to help me discern how to apply it in my life's unique circumstances.

Let me explain:  I do not need to prove who I am to the demanding naysayer, including the inner voice of my flesh, the critic of truth.  God knows who I am.  My inner spirit - the true authentic me know who I am, for my inner true self sees me in Christ.  My true self knows the truth of who I really am.  I'm in Christ, and my inner spirit is in fellowship with the Holy Spirit and is in the daily process of re-training my soul (my psyche/mind) to agree with that truth.  That's discipleship.  That's recovery.   If my identity in Christ is being challenged (by other people's voices, or by my false-self aka. flesh), and I'm feeling compelled to prove who I am by what I do, how I feel, or anything that depends on me and my power - it's a red flag - warning me that I'm falling under the principles of this world when it comes to attaching my identity to what I do, which is easy to do because the whole world operates as if it's my real identity.  It's the bait of Satan.  I am powerless to prove who I am and what I'm worth, but I don't need to.  I am in Christ, He has proven and validated to me, and to the world who I am - His beloved child that He died for.  Therefore - I will never be put to shame...

"As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.'"  - Romans 10:1 and Isaiah 28:16

Using Scripture as a means to support the validity of my own feelings, thoughts, assumptions and judgments about another person that only God can do is a crutch, at best, and at worst; it's an addiction, depending on how much I depend on it and "eat" of my judgments.  Do I dine off of them, and become intoxicated?  Or do I recognize my judgments as "not for eating", just like the label on my children's toy food says.  I am all the wiser and at more peace when I take my judgments with a grain of salt, knowing I am not God.  When I try to play God with others and myself, it's extremely harmful, to myself and others.  

Using Bible verses to back my assumptions up can be a crutch that supports me not having to earn another's trust through an authentic relationship.  If I'm to speak into anyone's life, I take the privilege very seriously of earning and establishing their trust the best I can.  I will always be to various degrees, imperfect in how I do that, but imperfection isn't an excuse to being careless and reckless about it.   When it comes to righteousness (right-relatedness) trust is a needed commodity, not an optional accessory.

For another to feel as safe as possible with me as an imperfect human being who is broken, and who is aware and in touch with her brokenness, I'm learning to see it for what it is: a valuable gift to receive.  While the gift doesn't define me, it matters to me.  In other words; I care.  Though I am not perfect and I will hurt and disappoint others by getting it wrong with them, I hope to God I will not succumb to misusing God's Word to bypass having to earn that trust from another, instead of trying to stand on authority that is God's, not mine.  And when I do relapse into this insidious addiction or sorts, I hope my loving community will gently help to redirect me.

God's Word is like a knife a heart surgeon uses to bring healing, health, and vitality to those in need, who are under their care.  If a heart surgeon uses the knife in his or her hands to cut into a person's heart to prove their point about their own assumptions of this person's heart, and not to bring healing and support to this person's heart - it's abuse.  If the heart surgeon uses the knife to cut away dead, malignant and harmful tissue so that the person's heart may be healthier, but causes temporary pain and discomfort, it's not abuse, it's the process of recovery (when that person's willingness sets the process into motion - not their forced compliance)

The Word of God is sharp.  Use it with great care.  It's able to make people wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus (2 Timothy 3:15), but if used incorrectly, it can cause great harm.  God cares about how we use His Word.  Don't you care about how others use your words?  I know I do, especially if my words were meant to reveal my love and the truth to my own children while they were held in captivity in a land that's under the influence of the father or lies (Satan).  I would be against any agenda of others that involves taking my words and using it to harm my children by not revealing my true heart which is for them.

Just as many of my beliefs, I'm evaluating this as I grow.  My understanding here, like many things - is growing and is fluid.  The views expressed here are representative of my current thoughts at the time of writing this post.  I reserve the right to adjust them as I grow and change.

Parent Trap - Honor Your Father and Mother?

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you."  - Exodus 20:12

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  'Honor your father and your mother' - which is the first commandment with a promise - 'so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." - Ephesians 6:1-3

What a promise!  The promise isn't just having longevity on earth, that's not what I'm understanding.  It's about enjoying long life on earth.  For what good is having a long life on earth if I'm not able to enjoy it?

There are several things I'm extracting here, within the context of where I am in my journey of recovery and growth presently.

I am no longer a child.  I am an adult who is now a parent myself, with my own children.  Obedience to my parents isn't applicable in the phase of adulthood.  Honor is.  There's a difference.  Children (younger ones) aren't capable of truly honoring (a heart thing), they can however, obey (a behavior thing).  Honoring is something which adults can do, with the absence of obedience.  Obedience is something children/adolescents can do, with the absence of honoring.

In my current place in life and looking forward, I am called to honor my parents.  Honoring people just because of their role or title is something I struggle with.  Especially if the expectations I attach to that role, and my personal experience with the people in that role, miss the mark.  The more pain I've experienced from them missing the mark, the greater I struggle to honor them.  It simply doesn't come naturally.  What comes natural is to self-righteously judge and resent the people who have contributed to my pain in life, including especially my parents.

The roles given to humans on earth that often cause the most pain by falling short: Mom and Dad

They have been given a God-sized role, without being God.  Every parent, no matter how much they desire to parent perfectly, will miss the mark, which hurts their children, to varying degrees.  Their children are the people in their lives they are most likely for in life, but as human parents, we are not able to be all we want to be for them.  There's gotta be some pain on both ends, whether it's acknowledged on both ends or not.

I wonder if this is why this commandment has a promise - because it's so important, yet so unnatural to produce.  In and of my own power, I cannot.  Why?  -Because of all the people in our lives, the ones whose shit will affect us the most is our parents', just as their strengths can bless us the most, their weaknesses can harm us the most.  I can say this, because I can see this so clearly as an imperfect parent myself, who is also working to truly honor my own imperfect parents.

I'm applying the verb definition of the word honor here, not the noun.  In my interpretation, I see "honor" as an action word, not a "person/place/or thing" (noun).

I googled "define honor" and Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the verb as:

a : to regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect: to regard or treat with honor

b : to give special recognition to : to confer honor on

I don't see anything indicative of conditions existing for mother and father to receive this honor.  I've looked hard for that loophole, I don't see one.  It's simply by the condition of their role, as mother and father, that I'm called to honor them.

Does this invalidate my childhood wounds?  Absolutely not, though I've felt that way when I've thought of this commandment before.  I'm now seeing something new.

It is by acknowledging childhood wounds which in doing so, validates them, but it doesn't end there.  It moves on (at a different pace for each person), were I can work through wounds, towards healing (lifelong process), and being able to forgive my parents for how they contributed to these wounds, much of which is by default of being human.

How can I truly honor someone that I'm also holding unforgiveness towards?  How can I forgive someone for pain/resentment I've experienced in the relationship, if I'm not acknowledging it?  Honoring my parents doesn't result from denying the pain I feel.  Denial robs me of healing and becoming empowered to truly honor my parents, even with the presence of pain from that relationship.  Nobody is honored by deceit and denial, which will eventually show up in my life.  Notice, the word "honor" looks like it's related to the word "honest".

When I hold onto resentments by either denial or by not becoming willing to walk towards forgiveness, my life will be negatively impacted by this.  I will need to work much harder at enjoying my life, instead of just enjoying it.  That'll take its toll on the physical body.  For I'm convinced, the sum of life consists of the emotional, physical, and spiritual dimensions inter-relating with one another.  I am not a compartmentalized entity, I am a human being that benefits from unity and harmony from all that's going on within me.  I am complex.  I am human.

God wants it to go well with me here on earth.  In adulthood, much of this is done by what I do for myself, not by what others do for me.  This encompasses me facing obstacles that come in between me being freed up to honor my parents, in spite of how they've missed the mark as parents.  My children will someday have to depend on God to honor me this way too.  For I am a human parent as well. I inevitably miss the mark as a parent.  Accepting this reality helps me to extend more grace towards my own human parents; both my biological ones, and my adopted ones.

We all fall short, whether we're parents or not.  Honoring isn't something that's exclusively set aside for the role held by parents.  We are called to honor one another in the New Testament (Romans 12:10, 13:7).  But, we're specifically called to honor our parents in this commandment, which is repeated in the New Testament - reminding us that it comes with a promise - because I believe God knows more than anyone, that parents, by virtue of their role as parents, may be one of the hardest people to honor in our broken world.

Honoring anyone who I've been hurt by, requires God's power.  Which I know that in order for other people to truly honor me, they will need to lean on God's power.  For in and of myself - I have not earned it, for I miss the mark and it results in hurting people close to me.

The gospel acknowledges how badly humans miss the mark, whether they're parents or not.  It doesn't deny sin (falling short).  It takes that fully into account, but doesn't end there.  This is why Jesus did what he did on the cross; died, but was resurrected from death.  He wouldn't deny how costly us missing the mark was to him, he took that cost upon himself, because he loves us that much.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."  - John 3:16-17

Parents are human.  Honoring them in adulthood doesn't deny the pain human parents may have caused or are causing.  It takes it into account, yet calls us to treat the parent not in proportion to their performance as a parent, but in who they are as parents - people too.  Parents, no matter how much they've fallen short in that role, are people too - made in the image of God, whom He sees as having incalculable worth, not by what they've done, but by who they are, people worth dying for.  I think God knew that parents would be one of the hardest people to forgive and honor, because of the tremendous role and high expectations that is attached to that role.  It's truly a God-sized role that parents have to fill, we're gonna fall short.  Parents play an incredible role in the lives of their children, and it's easy to dismiss the truth that they are human (broken/fallible/imperfect), just like us.  

The Cussing Factor

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  -Ephesians 4:29

I'm a Christian.  I love Jesus.  I know he loves me, more than I could possibly comprehend.

I cuss.  Sometimes Frequently when I'm passionate about something I'm talking about, I'll drop the "F-Bomb".  Yes, my children have heard me say it too.  I'm not very proud of that, but not ashamed either.  When my daughter was 6 years old, I was teaching her what the cuss words were, as I was preparing her for the transition into public school, from a private conservative Christian school.  I was busted from this lesson, and she was not hesitant to call me out on it either.  I wonder where she gets that from?

I am not the typical Christian chic.  At least I hope to God I'm not.  I'm learning to walk away from religious bullshit that's been promoted in much of the church, one day at a time.

Why would I spend time on this topic?  Because it's part of my own recovery from spiritual abuse, from living as a Pharisee drunk on my self-righteousness, disguised as a "Christian".

The way I interpret the admonition in Ephesians 4:29, results in making it very appropriate for me to cuss, albeit not in all situations.  As I said, I'm learning to walk away from bullshit I've learned (and dished out to others) from parts of the church, which primarily promote and reward performance-oriented/based spirituality - whitewashed tombs as Jesus called it in his day (Matthew 23:27-28).

Many of the people whom I'm delighted to associate with, cuss very colorfully.  Christian or not.  When I'm encouraging them, or being encouraged by them, I will hear or say a cuss word or two, in an attempt to make an emphatic point that shouldn't be glossed over.  Sometimes the weight of truth cannot be highlighted without a cuss word, in my perspective.  Living the abundant life in Christ doesn't depend on following rules for living  - that's bullshit.  I'm not capable to live the abundant life in Christ apart from anything that doesn't depend fully on what Jesus Christ has done, not me.  He doesn't need me to supplement the gospel and what He has to offer, with my performance of following certain rules or clinging to certain trivial doctrines.  Thank God.  That removes a lot of extra weight off of me, making the abundant life actually possible (Matthew 11:28-30). If I were capable of doing that, who needs the cross?  Who needs the Holy Spirit and his fruit when I got my own genetically modified version of his fruits?  Knock offs come in spiritual form too, not just in handbags.

When I cuss, it often edifies (builds up) those I'm in the presence of.  At least that's my hope.  It may offend some.  And while that's not my intention, it's less of an ordeal to me, because usually the offense is the result of holding the belief that promotes the following of certain rules or behaviors as the source of life.  -Bullshit.

Unwholesome means not whole, right?  "Unwholesome talk" isn't being extolled here.  Whatever the exact Greek word translates into, I'm sure it doesn't paint it as something beneficial.  If I believe my behaviors make me whole, by not cussing (among other prohibitions), than the practice of cussing would need to be avoided at all costs, to be OK with God and His peeps, including myself.  This practice would fit with that view of spirituality and relating to God based on my works.  But I'm trying to walk away from that idol (my behaviors/performances) being my source of life.

The truth is, for me, cussing will at times be used to build me and others up in our most holy faith.  It frees me from the delusion of putting confidence in the flesh, (in my behaviors and what I can produce) rather than what God does - which is a completely new life, a transformed heart that marches to the beat of a different drum.

This is where I'm at now.  It may change, it may not.  God has me, and this is evidence of that fact, rather than a dead faith that rests in my works (self-righteousness), not the work of Jesus Christ alone. When I believe the lie that my behaviors and works are the foundation of my relationship with God, I'm believing in a different gospel that's really no gospel at all (Galatians 1:6-7) .  If that was the gospel - I'd be in a lot of trouble, and it would mean Jesus died for nothing.

Toxic Unspoken Rules

• Tis better to be "nice" or "polite" in relationships than honest, even if the "nice lies" will do harm to others.
• Tis better to pretend peace and unity, than to ask questions, in an effort to work towards authentic peace and unity.
• Shhhh, can't talk about problems or YOU will become the PROBLEM.  
• Love protects, so hide all "dirty laundry" even though doing so may cause more harm, or it's betrayal.
• Outward appearances and what other people think or say about you is more important than inner-peace and what is actually true.  And the less these people know you, the more you should care about their opinions.
• Children's behavior or their accomplishments are more important than how they actually feel about themselves.

Breaking them is hard, but recommended for freedom and peace.  Proceed with caution, but do proceed.

Certainty Doesn't Equal Peace

Certainty can be deceiving - especially when I'm forcing myself to feel certain when I'm not.

It's not in certainty that I find peace - it's in surrender, while feeling uncertain.

Admitting when I'm not absolutely certain of my own thoughts and feelings - I'm still able to be decisive because the outcome isn't in my hands.  It's in God's.  I can never be certain about outcomes.  I can only be certain that no matter the outcome - I will be OK, because I'm trusting God - not my certainty.


"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for" ...
- Hebrews 11:1-2

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth." 
- Hebrews 11:13

"These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect." 
- Hebrews 11:39-40