COMMUNITY > shame

There exists within me, a well-traveled pathway made up of a strong felt-sense of shame, that's being revealed to my cognitive/conscious awareness.  It's a lesson that's come as a result of being willing and open to practicing vulnerability and experiencing some pain, knowing that pain has a life-giving message for me if I'm willing to explore its terrain.  In order to explore the terrain of pain, I need the support of others.  If I'm doing this alone and in isolation (out of shame) I'll get lost in the pain, unable to navigate my way through without numbing out and/or sub-consciously paying it forward, usually onto those closest to me, instead of receiving the life-giving message it brings.

That is why trusted community is so critical to personal growth.

In isolation, I've realized that my body gives me messages that only I can feel.  They are physical/somatic sensations.  My body is communicating to me, and only me, which can be tempting to only try and decode its messages in isolation, void of practicing any vulnerability.

I need the help of others though, to reconnect with my body in a way where I can clearly interpret the messages it longs to give me.

My body is on my side.  Will I honor or dishonor my body?  Will I acknowledge the way its communicating to me without shaming it, or will I try and numb out to ignore it, continuing to operate out of unconfronted shame?

I've been aware of a particular felt-sensation I experience in my body for about a year.  I've just recently been able to pinpoint the direct correlation of what triggers it and how to disarm the harmful-shame-cycle that gets played out within nanoseconds.  My nervous system is working perfectly, in response to the specific environment it had to adapt to, from my earliest years.  Unfortunately, though the template was created in my preverbal period, the nervous system is great at picking up any subtle signals that reinforce its original template.  Thank God - the original template CAN be replaced...that's the process of recovery I'm getting my feet wet in...the dive will come when I'm ready.

Setting the shame-stage:

Lights. Darkness. Camera. Action...

Props List of Old Script:

Someone's response to my vulnerability in action.
It's often an email response or some interpersonal communication responding to me after I've been vulnerable.  It requires risk.  Currently, the most comfortable forum for me in becoming vulnerable is via writing, even though I feel as though the deck is stacked against me.  When I'm using the old script to determine whether or not to take a risk, it's usually an impulsive risk.  When I'm using the new script, it's a pre-calculated risk which involves making conscious decisions primarily out of my prefrontal cortex, not my amygdala.  After I've taken a risk (with whatever lack or amount of forethought involved) there is uncertainty that follows.  The difference between the old and the new script (see below) in this particular step is marked by a presence of peace that isn't dependent on me controlling the outcome when it's done consciously, otherwise the presence of anxiety is predominantly felt.

Painful felt-sense of shame I experience in response to their response.
This is the ugly part of this script, but also marks the turning point where I can use the awareness of pain to do something different (see below).  It can feel anywhere from mildly unpleasant to feeling extremely painful.  For me, I will often minimally feel blood rushing to my face.  Suddenly, I need to take a deep breath, then my breathing becomes more rapid.

Mental Cognition freezes (old script).
I tend to go blank in my thought process.  I shutdown.  It's too much.  I must self-protect.

Mental Cognition reboot.
I must survive (not thrive).  Intellectual survival mechanisms are put into high-gear, almost compulsively.  I analyze the shit (no pun intended) out of the other person's response, and I search to validate my anger and/or pain, by logically breaking down their response.

CUT-

Commentary: The setting/context for a powerful shame-tornado is all in place, which includes a history of unresolved trauma(s) that are primarily quarantined from the conscious-awareness zip codes in the brain.  All the props are present to create a shame-induced shitstorm.  All that's needed is a force of shame-energy to blow through, and take this well-traveled pathway of shame, which for most of my life has led to anger, rage and further shame, covered up with false-pride vs. authentic, healthy self-respect.  Pain isn't allowed due to the reign of fear.

Fragmented self-awareness of this script has remained fragmented thus keeping me semi-aware, but stuck nonetheless.  What essential ingredient disarms my old script's pathway from being traveled?

LIGHT >>  AWARENESS WITHIN COMMUNITY - via exposure within safety

Fear of judgement that locks me into isolation (even though I'm often around others) feeds shame, tricking me into believing I'm actually self-protecting via isolation.


 Props List of New Script:

Relationships With Safe people.  If this means you start from scratch, then start from scratch - if at all possible, get into therapy.  A good therapist, whom you feel safe with can work wonders.  It's a great start from escaping isolation.  These relationships can often give me the support needed to apply the breaks when I'm inclined to default to my old scripts of acting out impulsively instead of consciously, so I can choose to use the new script instead.

Conscious Vulnerability.  What good is having a safe group of people if I never consciously practice being vulnerable with them?  In the beginning, think baby-steps, like crawling before walking.  Remember, babies often have mild - moderate falls as they first learn to walk, with the help of others who know how to walk, trip, fall and get back up again.

If I never utilize these kinds of relationships in choosing to become vulnerable at some point, it's like cooking up a healthy meal, but not biting into it, or having an Emergency Savings Bank Account, but not withdrawing from it when needed.  Placing myself within a setting/environment where I can intentionally build safe relationships with others, while also learning and practicing how to BE a safe person to others, is a critical and indispensable part of breaking the shame-cycle.  Exposing shame leads to the disarming of shame, within the right environment (safe relationships).  Trust takes time and intention to build.  I've found that being open to the people in my life who are showing up in ways that express they want to get me, builds my shame armor.  It also trains me in how to show up like that for other people, which is satisfying in and of itself. 

Darkness. Lights. Camera. Action.

My experience from learning a new script which includes safe people and vulnerability is bringing me new outcomes.  Traveling down a different pathway, leads to a different destination.  As a result, I'm able to better see what is mine to carry and unpack, and what isn't (baggage) - in other words: Boundaries.  For whatever reason, the universe isn't designed to deal with baggage assignments while remaining in isolation, at least from my experiences when it comes to dealing with shame.  There's a lot of "unclaimed baggage" so to speak, in this world that has no name tag attached to it, clearly identifying its owner.

I certainly have my own setbacks regarding my shame baggage, to unpack and heal from carrying such a heavy load for so long.  I cannot take on the shame-baggage of others and unpack it for them.  I can sure support and assist them, but not take it over myself, often that results in resentments and I'd be robbing them of the opportunity of building their own unique shame-armor, custom fit to their own unique story.

The roots of origin for shame, seems to be a personal matter.  The roots of origin from my shame are deeply held in my self-concept that is intertwined with deception of how I see myself, how I see God, and how I see others.

Though my mind may not be aware of this spiritual boundary yet, my body is.  When I'm able to reconnect with my body and spirit, I find that harmony helps make sense out of pain.  Could it be that the felt-sense of shame my body experiences is my body interacting with my spirit?  Could it be that my body, through neurobiology, is trying to give awareness to my soul (psyche/mind) to back off of this shame-energy that isn't for me to digest.  It's not my shame-baggage to unpack.  Is my body essentially saying - "not ours" because it senses this spiritual boundary, often before my mind consciously processes it?

Whether or not that is what's taking place in the unseen arena, my experiences of gaining mind, body, spirit, awareness is convincing me that as they reconnect harmoniously, my mind can help my body make sense out of its felt-pain.  This happens best, when I'm in community with others who are also open to reconnecting within their own mind, body and spirit.


[COMMUNITY]  pronounced: COME / UNITY 

Healing From Attachment Disorganization Trauma - Part 1

This is something new to me.  I'm going to start sharing more openly here about my own journey of healing from attachment disorganization, which is secondary to experiencing trauma.

I'm not a credentialed therapist/psychologist/clinician.  What I share isn't from a scholarly point of view.  It's from a "living it" point of view.

An interview with myself about this process:

What is your goal in blogging about this experience?
I'm not really sure how this will turn out.  I really have no plan or outline.  I know I just need to write.

Why?
I don't know, I just do.

What are you hoping to accomplish through your next phase of blogging?
Oh, just to save the world.  Just kidding, kinda-
Seriously...I want my own story to be taken seriously.  I want to be given take the opportunity to  have my story be used to impact, confront, challenge and encourage other people to understand their own stories in a way that frees them from shame and distorted self-concepts.  I want to say things I wish I could read in someone else's blog, or book, or hear someone say in an open public forum.  Maybe it's already out there, but I'm unaware...well that's one point scored for unawareness, because it's at least getting me to understand my own story and put it out there (yes - way out there), with the intention of cutting out the bullshit.

I want certain people to start talking more....
And certain people to start listening more...
I want the voices of validation, affirmation and acceptance to drown out the deafening sounds of silence, apathy and indifference - which are all fueled by ignorance, denial and shame.

How do you plan on accomplishing the above?
By speaking up, and speaking out.
By sharing my story, as I currently understand it - without the bullshit that only strengthens the shame.  I plan on accomplishing this through the accountability (even though it may be just perceived accountability) I sense from blogging on a website that's accessible/visible to the public - this helps protect me from my believing the bullshit that I tell myself when on auto-pilot.

Aren't you worried what other's might think?
Hail yeah.  I think that's why I gotta just DO this...it's a major part of my own journey in confronting and disarming shame, and the fear that keeps shame empowered.

Ready, Set, Go.....

I currently can relate to a broad base of people, using several identifiers - some are more obvious to others than not.

For starters, I am Asian-American, Korean to be more specific...a Korean-Adoptee.
I am also a wife, mother (two daughters), a daughter, twin sister, younger sister, aunt, niece, granddaughter and God-mother.
I am also a christian, albeit not a very "good" one.
I'm a stay-at-home mama, albeit not a very "good" one either.
I'm also in therapy!

What is my biggest secret?
- I struggle deeply with shame.  Shame coming from a subconscious state.  It's so pervasive, that I've operated out of pride through much of my life, to hide and deny the shame.  I'm ashamed of how much shame I carry, so I've spent a good amount of my life covering it up with pride, anger, denial, judging and dissociating.  Oh, and let's not forget, intellectualism and spiritual bypassing.  I'm now doing much less spiritual bypassing though.  It only worked for a short-time...thank God it only worked for a short time, and He didn't allow me to keep going on in my denial and self-delusion, in God's name.


What's my game-plan for dealing with shame?

1. Therapy incorporating EMDR for preverbal trauma held in implicit memory.
2. Telling my story to anyone who will listen.
3. Reading lots of books.
4. Prayer and meditation that utilizes both hemispheres of my brain, but focusing more on my right brain using imaginative-prayer/meditation.
5. Leaning on support, and giving it to others.
6. Having a quite-personal-time.

Breakdown of my plan:

1. Therapy incorporating EMDR for preverbal trauma held in implicit memory,  I have sought out a therapist who has been trained in a protocol using EMDR for preverbal trauma.  I am more than excited and beyond afraid to get started.  I don't know what to expect.  Will I come out the other side of this whole experience, being a completely different person?  I've heard such amazing things about EMDR.  I want my own amazing things.  I'm open, I'm afraid, but here I go...
2. Blogging, talking and writing...
3. Just finished reading, "Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children" by Daniel Hughes.  This book is AMAZING.  I wholeheartedly recommend it.  I'm still processing much of it.  It was a GOD-send, thanks God.
4. Praying in the milieu of life, as I go with the flow...AND making a commitment in setting apart sacred space to practice imaginative prayer/meditation, on a regular basis.
5. Going to my weekly support group meetings, sharing, and growing with a trusted peer.
6. When my toddler naps, I do not clean the house or do other household chores...I read, blog, journal, and practice self-care for that day.

A part of my plan should really include getting a solid night's rest.  That's why I'm signing off for now - 

Until Part 2 ~ Peace ~

"Fear" Being Called Out

"Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near."
-Philippians 4:5

Up until today, I thought this verse was more of a warning or a threat.  That is how I perceived it.  "God's near - so watch out, and BEHAVE yourself!"

Now, after recent events in my own life, I'm extracting a different interpretation.  Paul's not reminding the reader that the Lord is near to warn or threaten them.  He's not trying to intimidate people to produce behavior modification.  That never works, for very long.

Being reminded of God's nearness when I'm NOT inclined towards gentleness, but rather harsh and unruly interactions with others, provides me with consolation and solace.  It reminds me of God's true character and identity.  God is love. (1 John 4:16)  Love doesn't use fear of punishment to get us to behave a certain way.  There is no fear in love.  Let me repeat: There is no fear in love.
In fact - Perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 

I can't take credit for such a beautifully freeing statement.  I copied it, word for word, from the New Testament, found in 1 John 4:18.


God is for me, not against me.
God is not passive.
God is not apathetic.
God is not a coward, He doesn't depend of putting fear into people, to draw them near.  He drives OUT fear in people, so they may be perfected in Him - Who is Love Himself.  

Contrary to many of our sayings that take God's name in vain, or misrepresents His nature, like "putting the fear of God in them" to get people to behave a certain way - is NOT how God operates.  Why should I try and resort to using this fear-based method when trying to "discipline" my children?  Trying to get my children (who are way smaller, weaker, younger and more vulnerable) to fear me in order to get them to behave the way I want is not godly.  It's not how God operates with me, yet it's what I default to when I'm trying to control others or outcomes.

Fear of punishment is effective for behavior modification, with trust and vulnerability within a connected relationship being sacrificed at the Behavior Alter.  Fear of punishment (not consequences), but rather punishment that is penal or retributive and not rehabilitative, isn't how I see God raising me.  Fear of punishment is effective for getting citizens to follow the laws.  The government does not need to have a connected relationship to the citizens in order to function.  What the government does need in order to function is to have its own citizens have connected relationships with its own citizens.

Fear works very well in some instances.  Fear sells.  Fear gets results.  Fear makes a great tool for producing a certain behavior - devoid of a loving relationship.  But perfect love drives out fear, it doesn't feed on it.

God isn't primarily concerned about me producing or reducing certain behaviors - at the cost of a loving and intimate relationship.  He is for an intimately loving relationship with me, that drives OUT fear of punishment - for this is what transforms me, and produces the kinds of behavior that bring about enjoyment, without fear.

God doesn't make fear of punishment deposits in my life to win me over.  He make love deposits, and it's His perfect love that drives OUT fear, because a high fear factor doesn't produces perfect love - it hinders it, per God.

Course and Consequences - Awareness

In the Rahab Society, the 3rd stage of the Path is:

"In honest detail, I describe to God and to my Ruth the course and consequences of my attempts to live apart from God."

This is what separates those who get down to business in recovery, and those who don't (backdoor pat on the back to myself).  This is what is often referred to as, the course and consequences section of the Path.  This post carries some of my own current and personal reflections regarding this crucial stage of recovery.

Rigorous honesty is foundational to recovery.  I cannot make progress  if I'm unwilling to be rigorously honest, first about my own life within myself, and sharing this with God and then to another trusted human being, which the Rahab Society affectionately calls, a Ruth.  Rigorous honesty takes place when there's a felt-sense of safety within the Ruth relationship, when that's absent, rigorous honesty will feel unsafe.

Writing out my course and consequences (C&C's) opens up my life's narrative to investigation, by isolating the basic facts of events/memories as much as I can and revisiting the structure behind the way I've interpreted my life's story up until now.  This aids me in distinguishing between the narrative that's been passed down to me (through implicit or explicit messages), which I held as a child, in contrast to seeing how that narrative still measures up as an adult, under investigation, with the help of God and others who listen to my story.  I'm better positioned to see how my interpretation of my life's narrative has colored my relationship towards my own self, God, and others, as it being directly linked to particular events/memories I have had throughout life.  This begins with the earliest of my childhood memories and gradually moves to present-day life.  I am looking for certain pieces of a puzzle, realizing that each of the pieces I'm looking for plays a crucial part of demystifying me, through gaining self-awareness, and removing the shame.  I become aware of how I've come to view myself and others, with respect to certain events/memories, manifested by how I've responded to those particular events through the actions I took or didn't take.  In other words, through my choices/behavior -course.

In addition to this, I take a close look in noticing how others in my life have responded to my own responses (choices/behaviors/actions) stemming from particular events and/or memories in my life -Consequences.

A pattern will emerge.  I'm playing detective (not judge) of my life's patterns, and re-framing it in a way that makes it processable for informational purposes, not for evaluating or measuring my worth.  Judging myself has no part in this, observing and becoming aware of my patterns is central to this.

In order to gain the most out of this stage, I'm forbidden to eat the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil while doing this, but I can become aware through noticing the temptations I have to do this.  Notice the judgements, but don't dine on them.  This is fact-finding, not fault-finding, because fault is an implicit partner to shame, blame and denial.

If I'm in recovery, I'm saying this:  I want change.
If I'm to experience what I'm after (change), I need to become aware of why I do what I do, detached from shame and judgement.  Shame and judgement will feed denial.  Denial is the antithesis of the purpose and intention of Stage 3.

This is a crucial step to take, toward breaking the cycle of unhealthy patterns being passed down to the next generation.  -Crucial.

The unspoken rule that many families silently practice of "don't talk, don't question"  helps to assure that these patterns, no matter how sick they are, will be passed down through you and onto the next generation.  -Your children.

The buck stops here.

Stigmatize the silence.

Describing to God and to my Ruth, my course and consequences of my attempts to live apart from God, disarms the silence and lack of awareness from being in my driver's seat.  Though silence and denial (whether it's conscious denial or not) make a "polite" driver, they rob me and my children of the freedom that comes from knowing the truth.  The truth regarding my interpretations of my life's story.

Often, when I kick those sick patterns out of the driver's seat, I'm creating quite the stir and raucous.  I'm rocking the proverbial boat.  But it's in rocking this boat, that I become aware and conscious of how me living my life by just believing that God exists, but is utterly irrelevant or untrustworthy when it comes to how I live my life, has resulted.  What are the consequences of living that life, that believes in God, but lives apart from trusting Him?  You will come to see that answer for yourself...

I can now make conscious decisions that are consistent with my my conscious values. I am walking away from being that self-deceived Christian, eating from my intellectual belief system that is sorely disconnected to the rest of my life, thinking I'm made right with God via some dogma I intellectually subscribe to.  These, in my opinion, are one of the most duped addicts on earth, the religious addicts.  I can say that pretty confidently, because I'm a recovering addict of that type myself.  Thank God for the interventions He's done in my life.

After doing several C&C's, I'm noticing that the things I was once so terrified to be transparent in, are no longer so terrifying.  The balance on my "secrets" account diminishes, which is extremely freeing and refreshing.  I no longer need to keep investing resources into my "secrets" account to make sure I'm "secure".  I'm freed up to just be me, and let others just be themselves as well, without compulsively trying to deny or alter reality.  It's a process, one day at a time.  But it's so worth it.


Click on the link for more info re: The Rahab Society.