Healing From Attachment Disorganization Trauma - Part 1

This is something new to me.  I'm going to start sharing more openly here about my own journey of healing from attachment disorganization, which is secondary to experiencing trauma.

I'm not a credentialed therapist/psychologist/clinician.  What I share isn't from a scholarly point of view.  It's from a "living it" point of view.

An interview with myself about this process:

What is your goal in blogging about this experience?
I'm not really sure how this will turn out.  I really have no plan or outline.  I know I just need to write.

Why?
I don't know, I just do.

What are you hoping to accomplish through your next phase of blogging?
Oh, just to save the world.  Just kidding, kinda-
Seriously...I want my own story to be taken seriously.  I want to be given take the opportunity to  have my story be used to impact, confront, challenge and encourage other people to understand their own stories in a way that frees them from shame and distorted self-concepts.  I want to say things I wish I could read in someone else's blog, or book, or hear someone say in an open public forum.  Maybe it's already out there, but I'm unaware...well that's one point scored for unawareness, because it's at least getting me to understand my own story and put it out there (yes - way out there), with the intention of cutting out the bullshit.

I want certain people to start talking more....
And certain people to start listening more...
I want the voices of validation, affirmation and acceptance to drown out the deafening sounds of silence, apathy and indifference - which are all fueled by ignorance, denial and shame.

How do you plan on accomplishing the above?
By speaking up, and speaking out.
By sharing my story, as I currently understand it - without the bullshit that only strengthens the shame.  I plan on accomplishing this through the accountability (even though it may be just perceived accountability) I sense from blogging on a website that's accessible/visible to the public - this helps protect me from my believing the bullshit that I tell myself when on auto-pilot.

Aren't you worried what other's might think?
Hail yeah.  I think that's why I gotta just DO this...it's a major part of my own journey in confronting and disarming shame, and the fear that keeps shame empowered.

Ready, Set, Go.....

I currently can relate to a broad base of people, using several identifiers - some are more obvious to others than not.

For starters, I am Asian-American, Korean to be more specific...a Korean-Adoptee.
I am also a wife, mother (two daughters), a daughter, twin sister, younger sister, aunt, niece, granddaughter and God-mother.
I am also a christian, albeit not a very "good" one.
I'm a stay-at-home mama, albeit not a very "good" one either.
I'm also in therapy!

What is my biggest secret?
- I struggle deeply with shame.  Shame coming from a subconscious state.  It's so pervasive, that I've operated out of pride through much of my life, to hide and deny the shame.  I'm ashamed of how much shame I carry, so I've spent a good amount of my life covering it up with pride, anger, denial, judging and dissociating.  Oh, and let's not forget, intellectualism and spiritual bypassing.  I'm now doing much less spiritual bypassing though.  It only worked for a short-time...thank God it only worked for a short time, and He didn't allow me to keep going on in my denial and self-delusion, in God's name.


What's my game-plan for dealing with shame?

1. Therapy incorporating EMDR for preverbal trauma held in implicit memory.
2. Telling my story to anyone who will listen.
3. Reading lots of books.
4. Prayer and meditation that utilizes both hemispheres of my brain, but focusing more on my right brain using imaginative-prayer/meditation.
5. Leaning on support, and giving it to others.
6. Having a quite-personal-time.

Breakdown of my plan:

1. Therapy incorporating EMDR for preverbal trauma held in implicit memory,  I have sought out a therapist who has been trained in a protocol using EMDR for preverbal trauma.  I am more than excited and beyond afraid to get started.  I don't know what to expect.  Will I come out the other side of this whole experience, being a completely different person?  I've heard such amazing things about EMDR.  I want my own amazing things.  I'm open, I'm afraid, but here I go...
2. Blogging, talking and writing...
3. Just finished reading, "Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children" by Daniel Hughes.  This book is AMAZING.  I wholeheartedly recommend it.  I'm still processing much of it.  It was a GOD-send, thanks God.
4. Praying in the milieu of life, as I go with the flow...AND making a commitment in setting apart sacred space to practice imaginative prayer/meditation, on a regular basis.
5. Going to my weekly support group meetings, sharing, and growing with a trusted peer.
6. When my toddler naps, I do not clean the house or do other household chores...I read, blog, journal, and practice self-care for that day.

A part of my plan should really include getting a solid night's rest.  That's why I'm signing off for now - 

Until Part 2 ~ Peace ~