That is why trusted community is so critical to personal growth.
In isolation, I've realized that my body gives me messages that only I can feel. They are physical/somatic sensations. My body is communicating to me, and only me, which can be tempting to only try and decode its messages in isolation, void of practicing any vulnerability.
I need the help of others though, to reconnect with my body in a way where I can clearly interpret the messages it longs to give me.
My body is on my side. Will I honor or dishonor my body? Will I acknowledge the way its communicating to me without shaming it, or will I try and numb out to ignore it, continuing to operate out of unconfronted shame?
I've been aware of a particular felt-sensation I experience in my body for about a year. I've just recently been able to pinpoint the direct correlation of what triggers it and how to disarm the harmful-shame-cycle that gets played out within nanoseconds. My nervous system is working perfectly, in response to the specific environment it had to adapt to, from my earliest years. Unfortunately, though the template was created in my preverbal period, the nervous system is great at picking up any subtle signals that reinforce its original template. Thank God - the original template CAN be replaced...that's the process of recovery I'm getting my feet wet in...the dive will come when I'm ready.
Setting the shame-stage:
Props List of Old Script:
Someone's response to my vulnerability in action.
It's often an email response or some interpersonal communication responding to me after I've been vulnerable. It requires risk. Currently, the most comfortable forum for me in becoming vulnerable is via writing, even though I feel as though the deck is stacked against me. When I'm using the old script to determine whether or not to take a risk, it's usually an impulsive risk. When I'm using the new script, it's a pre-calculated risk which involves making conscious decisions primarily out of my prefrontal cortex, not my amygdala. After I've taken a risk (with whatever lack or amount of forethought involved) there is uncertainty that follows. The difference between the old and the new script (see below) in this particular step is marked by a presence of peace that isn't dependent on me controlling the outcome when it's done consciously, otherwise the presence of anxiety is predominantly felt.
Painful felt-sense of shame I experience in response to their response.
This is the ugly part of this script, but also marks the turning point where I can use the awareness of pain to do something different (see below). It can feel anywhere from mildly unpleasant to feeling extremely painful. For me, I will often minimally feel blood rushing to my face. Suddenly, I need to take a deep breath, then my breathing becomes more rapid.
Mental Cognition freezes (old script).
I tend to go blank in my thought process. I shutdown. It's too much. I must self-protect.
Mental Cognition reboot.
I must survive (not thrive). Intellectual survival mechanisms are put into high-gear, almost compulsively. I analyze the shit (no pun intended) out of the other person's response, and I search to validate my anger and/or pain, by logically breaking down their response.
CUT-
Commentary: The setting/context for a powerful shame-tornado is all in place, which includes a history of unresolved trauma(s) that are primarily quarantined from the conscious-awareness zip codes in the brain. All the props are present to create a shame-induced shitstorm. All that's needed is a force of shame-energy to blow through, and take this well-traveled pathway of shame, which for most of my life has led to anger, rage and further shame, covered up with false-pride vs. authentic, healthy self-respect. Pain isn't allowed due to the reign of fear.
Fragmented self-awareness of this script has remained fragmented thus keeping me semi-aware, but stuck nonetheless. What essential ingredient disarms my old script's pathway from being traveled?
LIGHT >> AWARENESS WITHIN COMMUNITY - via exposure within safety
Fear of judgement that locks me into isolation (even though I'm often around others) feeds shame, tricking me into believing I'm actually self-protecting via isolation.
Props List of New Script:
Relationships With Safe people. If this means you start from scratch, then start from scratch - if at all possible, get into therapy. A good therapist, whom you feel safe with can work wonders. It's a great start from escaping isolation. These relationships can often give me the support needed to apply the breaks when I'm inclined to default to my old scripts of acting out impulsively instead of consciously, so I can choose to use the new script instead.
Conscious Vulnerability. What good is having a safe group of people if I never consciously practice being vulnerable with them? In the beginning, think baby-steps, like crawling before walking. Remember, babies often have mild - moderate falls as they first learn to walk, with the help of others who know how to walk, trip, fall and get back up again.
If I never utilize these kinds of relationships in choosing to become vulnerable at some point, it's like cooking up a healthy meal, but not biting into it, or having an Emergency Savings Bank Account, but not withdrawing from it when needed. Placing myself within a setting/environment where I can intentionally build safe relationships with others, while also learning and practicing how to BE a safe person to others, is a critical and indispensable part of breaking the shame-cycle. Exposing shame leads to the disarming of shame, within the right environment (safe relationships). Trust takes time and intention to build. I've found that being open to the people in my life who are showing up in ways that express they want to get me, builds my shame armor. It also trains me in how to show up like that for other people, which is satisfying in and of itself.
My experience from learning a new script which includes safe people and vulnerability is bringing me new outcomes. Traveling down a different pathway, leads to a different destination. As a result, I'm able to better see what is mine to carry and unpack, and what isn't (baggage) - in other words: Boundaries. For whatever reason, the universe isn't designed to deal with baggage assignments while remaining in isolation, at least from my experiences when it comes to dealing with shame. There's a lot of "unclaimed baggage" so to speak, in this world that has no name tag attached to it, clearly identifying its owner.
I certainly have my own setbacks regarding my shame baggage, to unpack and heal from carrying such a heavy load for so long. I cannot take on the shame-baggage of others and unpack it for them. I can sure support and assist them, but not take it over myself, often that results in resentments and I'd be robbing them of the opportunity of building their own unique shame-armor, custom fit to their own unique story.
The roots of origin for shame, seems to be a personal matter. The roots of origin from my shame are deeply held in my self-concept that is intertwined with deception of how I see myself, how I see God, and how I see others.
Though my mind may not be aware of this spiritual boundary yet, my body is. When I'm able to reconnect with my body and spirit, I find that harmony helps make sense out of pain. Could it be that the felt-sense of shame my body experiences is my body interacting with my spirit? Could it be that my body, through neurobiology, is trying to give awareness to my soul (psyche/mind) to back off of this shame-energy that isn't for me to digest. It's not my shame-baggage to unpack. Is my body essentially saying - "not ours" because it senses this spiritual boundary, often before my mind consciously processes it?
Whether or not that is what's taking place in the unseen arena, my experiences of gaining mind, body, spirit, awareness is convincing me that as they reconnect harmoniously, my mind can help my body make sense out of its felt-pain. This happens best, when I'm in community with others who are also open to reconnecting within their own mind, body and spirit.
[COMMUNITY] pronounced: COME / UNITY
