Damn Diabolical Double Binds

"Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."  - 1 Peter 5:8 niv

"We don't want Satan to outsmart us.  We know how he does his evil work."  
- 2 Corinthians 2:11 nirv

Satan is crafty.
Oxford Dictionary's definition
"clever at achieving one's aims by indirect or deceitful methods"
" of, involving, or relating to indirect or deceitful methods"

One of Satan's primary ways to bait us is through using double-binds.  It's a psychological strategy which fits in very well with how Satan operates and communicates.  "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."  Nobody wins.  But that is the point, since Satan already knows he is defeated.  Misery loves company.

In double-binds, there is a psycho-logical illusion that you will come out ahead by choosing one of the options the controller wants you to choose, which traps you because it's not what you really want, it is an illusion.  What you want is being used against you, to bait you.  Double binds are crafty baited traps, which trap you in and leave you with no options that truly benefit you.  Double binds are incredibly covert, and often go undetected if the unsuspecting person cannot recognize the underlying distorted and flawed assertion.

In the garden of Eden, Satan temps Eve by putting her in a double bind.  He knew she was created in the image and likeness of God, and that she enjoyed reflecting her Maker, whom she adored.  He used her desires against her, by fooling her into thinking she was missing out of getting her desires fulfilled.

At first, Satan tries to misquote God and twists His words around to portray Him as restrictive by withholding from her what she desires most; to be godly or just like her Maker because she adored Him.

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made.  He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"  -Genesis 3:1

The woman thoroughly corrected the serpent, thinking it was harmless at worst, or perhaps helpful at best. Imagine that, ladies!

"The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the tree in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'"  -Genesis 3:2-3

She set him straight!  Or so she may have thought.  Instead, she was unknowingly giving him another chance to deceive her, and to gradually go for the kill.  She kept engaging with him, even though she had just corrected how the serpent misquoted and misrepresented God as being - a withholding jerk.  But without her realizing it, she was giving more space to the serpent to worm (no pun intended) his way into undermining her pure image or portrayal of God according to HER truth, based on HER own experience of God.  He was very subtly and covertly, yet progressively discoloring the woman's experience with her Maker.

"You will not certainly die," the serpent said to the woman.  "For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.  She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.  Then the eyes of both of them opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves."  - Genesis 3:4-7

Time out.

This serpent just called God a liar.  He just confronted what God told Eve and injected his own twist, with God  now sitting in the liar seat because what God told Eve was not true, per the serpent.

But, he also came to Eve and served her an illusion on a silver platter.  The illusion of her satisfying her deepest desire to be like God.

This is the diabolical double bind which went undetected: she would need to mistrust God in order to be like God. 

The desire to be like God, but not to trust God because He isn't trustworthy, is the diabolical double bind.  It is damn sneaky.  If the woman desired to be like God (which she did) AND she believed what Satan was saying, then these were her options:

1. Miss out on being like God by knowing good and evil.
2. Don't miss out on being like God, by mistrusting God and by invalidating God's words and doing the only things he said not to do.

There was a third option, had the double-bind been detected.  This would have required the woman to doubt the serpent, be assertive and tell him to leave her.  This did not happen because she did not doubt the serpent, she trusted him.

Now, just as with all double binds, there is a strain of truth which gets twisted and dragged out of its proper context, therefore causing confusion.

God did know that when the woman and man ate from the tree, it would cause their eyes to be opened. Opened to shame.  Their eyes were opened to Satan's version of God, not their own that was based in their reality and experiences of God.  They exchanged their own perceptions of God for Satan's, and in doing so, were introduced to shame.  Shame's first target: their own bodies.  They were ashamed of being naked.  They were ashamed of their own bodies.  That is like living in a double bind, being ashamed of your own body.  How can one live and not be in their body?  It's impossible, but there is an illusion that people buy into all the time, bodily-dissociation, in which gives way to all sorts of ailments, disorders and illnesses on every level; physical, mental and emotional.

Back to the story....

God went looking for them, even after they sinned and ate from the tree he commanded them not to...God pursued them.  Their response?  - to hide.

"Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.  But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?"  - Genesis 3:8-9

Sin does not separate us from God, shame does.  And sin induces shame and THAT is why God prohibited the tree's fruit from them, because they would then experience death.

Shame kills the human spirit because it separates us from God.  

Shame doesn't separate God from us, but us from God. 

There is another example of Satan trying to bait a human being, to completely thwart God's plans, but it didn't work.  The human was Jesus.  The most noticeable differences to me are the ways Jesus responded to Satan by not engaging with him outside of Scripture and he kept with it even when Satan tried to misuse Scripture as well.  He didn't explain himself or enter into debate with Satan.  He used God's words within context and being consistent with God's character.  After three attempts by Satan, Jesus told him to get lost.

"Jesus said to him, "Away from me Satan!  For it is written: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only."  -Matthew 4:10

Jesus sets us free from the lies that shame brings and leaves.

Scripture says, "The one who trusts in him will never be put to shame."
-Romans 10:11/Isaiah 28:16

One way to detect diabolical double binds is to ask the question:
Does this temptation or offer present me with a substitute that subtly invalidates God's trustworthiness?

If so, proceed with caution, trusted community and mindfulness that God looks like Jesus.

Downward Spiral of Shame and Sin

Shame

 Sin

Shame
Sin
etc., etc., etc.

The symptoms of believing a lie about myself and about God is palpable, it is painful.  It is shame.  My body has a physical reaction to it.  Shame is feeling bad about who I am, it's a symptom of believing a lie about my own self hood, which brings immense pain.

Shame is like a painfully malignant tumor.  If ignored, it will grow and multiply.  It's survival is based on me believing lies about myself, which produces shame, which produces pain, which produces a desire to stop the pain.  When I try to numb out the pain of shame, by depending on my own devices, it keeps the pain at bay, but only temporarily.  Eventually, the pain will present itself again because the food source of the malignant tumor is still present: a lie about God and my self.  

When I believe that I am bad (a lie) based on my own judgment or the judgments of others, not God's, I am feeding shame.  The common remedy is a more culturally accepted solution -yet a false solution to solving the root problem: believing a lie about God and myself, because I am made in his image. 

Extracting the shame by relying on my own resources introduces more sin (depending on myself and not God because I don't believe He is trustworthy) to numb its pain.  This results in further shame and hence furthering the addiction cycle or false dependency on myself in place of God, all while trying to get free from shame without trusting God's intervention is the vicious cycle of legalism and self-righteousness.

God's intervention: the Cross.  Jesus dying on the cross to cut off the root of sin, which is shame from believing that God is not trustworthy and that He is not really FOR me.  Any other intervention on this cycle of shame and sin, will miss the mark, because it depends on HUMAN effort which bypasses trusting completely in God because of believing a lie about God, that He is untrustworthy when it comes to the important things in life, and that is the foundation of sin - believing a lie about God.  To demolish the foundation of sin, which is believing a lie about God, I need to have the truth about God, which is the foundation of an effective intervention to disrupt the sin/shame vicious cycle.  God takes care of that himself by authentically revealing his own heart and character towards us, which is revealed in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus.

The Domino Effect of Beliefs

When I believe a lie about God, I will believe a lie about myself, because I am made in God's image. When I put my faith (the actions or choices I make resulting from my beliefs) in lies, the result will be sin.

False God + False Self  = sin.

Examining the beliefs I hold about God and myself through examining my choices and feelings - particularly fear, uncovers where I am at in my spiritual journey towards wholeness and truth.

That which I claim to believe through my choices vs my words, gives a clearer picture of my beliefs than anything else.  This awareness is critical to my spiritual growth.  It aids me in recovering from delusional self-righteousness and denial, which keeps me stagnant and complacent.

Know Pain, Know Gain

"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate pain." - Carl Jung

Pain can be the greatest gift in disguise.  It isn't just for the privileged, it does not discriminate it is an equal opportunity gift.

Neurosis is caused by believing that I need to avoid and numb my pain in order to live fully.  The way to mental and spiritual health is through feeling my pain and learning to suffer, grieve and endure it.  Neurosis the the result of me avoiding my pain so I can appear "normal".

$$$

 Dear Money, You do not own me unless I sell myself to you. Your capacity to provide for my needs is appreciated and valued, but it is also confined. You cannot provide for my emotional, relational and spiritual needs, yet you make big promises that you can. The needs you can meet for me are important, but limited. I'm putting you in your proper place, which is in a servitude role under me, not over me, one day at a time.Sincerely,Your Manager

“No one can serve two masters. The person will hate one master and love the other, or will follow one master and refuse to follow the other. You cannot serve both God and worldly riches."  - Matthew 6:24

Dancing in the Storms of Life

There is no contract between me and life that says:

"If you do everything the "right" way, life will go your way.  If it doesn't go your way, you will be entitled to a settlement which requires life to compensate for it."

Life. Isn't. Fair.
Life carries challenges.
Life gives us hard stuff and easy stuff.

I can do everything "right" and the shit can still hit the fan.

As a mother, I am equipping my children to handle all of life's ups and downs by allowing them to experience the reality of life, with all the good, bad and the ugly.  I will do my best to protect them from pain that I can keep away and teach them to keep away from, but I cannot keep all pain away.  Life has pain, it also has pleasure though.

Shielding my children from all pain is shielding my children from learning important life-lessons.  My best bet is to help them build a tolerance level for pain through teaching and modeling to them how to cope with it. I can provide modeling to my children with how I myself feel pain through grieving, and trusting my body and my God to guide the process in ways that don't involve harming myself and/or others as part of this process.

Just like me, my children DO have the right to feel angry at whomever or whatever they feel angry at.  But, just like me, they do not have the right to harm others or themselves because of their anger.

I want to teach, model and affirm these core-beliefs surrounding anger to serve as a guide in their relationship with anger:

• You CAN set boundaries with your anger without having to fear its existence.
• You CAN feel angry while NOT harming the person you feel angry towards.
• Anger doesn't travel solo, there are hidden emotions underneath it, search for them with God's help.
• If you think that expressing the emotion of anger only helps you be in control, you will be held hostage by anger.
• Being angry doesn't mean being mean.
• Anger is a normal human emotion.  It is more harmful to resist feeling it, then to allow yourself to feel it.
• You are not responsible for managing other people's anger.  Whenever you either volunteer or accept that role, expect disappointment and resentment.
• Do not hold other people responsible for managing your anger for you, when you do, expect disappointment and resentment.
• Expressing big and intense emotions of anger does not mean someone needs to be harmed by them.
• Others may feel uncomfortable in their own skin while you're appropriately discharging anger (without harming yourself or others as part of the process), and that is OK.  
• How other people feel in their own skin while you appropriately express your anger has nothing to do with you, but them.  
• Appropriately expressing anger that does not harm self or others is not culturally "normal", it is hazardous only to the ego or false-self.  
• Whenever possible, express it with those whom you trust and feel emotionally safe with.  
• If you do not feel this is possible with any of the people you are in relationship with, re-evaluate the health of your relationships..healthy relationships can contain anger without being extinguished by it.

Live well and learn to dance in the storms of life.  You CAN dance with anger, not be overcome by it.  It is something I can personally vouch for in saying it will serve you well to learn to dance with anger, not around or under it.