Mom's No-Nonsense Romance Advice

Life is filled with uncertainties.  I cannot guarantee I'll be around when my precious daughters or godchildren are of age to enter into the dating arena.  The following is my wholehearted exhortation surrounding that area of life, as clearly articulated as I wish I'd been given.  It's so rare though, most of us were never taught this on the front-end and were not modeled this by our culture's media or in real life.  Much of these convictions come from within me based on my own personal experiences and trying to make sense out of them, in addition to me observing these principles by others who have self-disclosed this sacred part of their love-life with me.  What an honor.

Principles in Serious Dating  - Avoid casual dating.  Casual dating: when you have no interest/intention in developing a committed relationship that could possibly lead to marriage, but are more so using this person to take up time and escape feeling alone/bored.  It's a huge waste of time.  It reveals devalued self-esteem and regard for the other's worth, which is a red flag warning you to stay out of the dating arena until this is compassionately look at with some honest soul-searching.  (I'm willing to bet most who are honest with themselves have to deal with this in their life at different points in their life, it's OK, it's part of being human and being consciously aware about what drives your motives).

• Practice getting clear and honest in deeply knowing and accepting yourself first.  Avoid abdicating this invaludable journey out to a boyfriend to do this for you, to search out your worth in place of you doing it YOURSELF.  Getting this invaluable information for yourself, outside of a dating relationship is so worth it, whether you die single or married, you'll reap the rewards and be glad you did.  The correlation between how you allow yourself to be treated by someone in an intimate relationship can often reveal a lot about the way you subconsciously feel you deserve and are worth being treated.  Get clear about this first outside of giving your heart and/or body away.  In other words: set the foundation for lovingly investing and committing in the relationship you have with yourself first.  That is the one relationship you'll have your entire life, till death do you part.  This is not done in a vacuum or in isolation, nor is it done productively within the context of a dating relationship that has no foundation of you doing this anywhere else.  My experience tells me that it's best done within same-sex, platonic friendships with whom you can be authentic with, who will challenge you to grow and stay invested in yourself up front, and in your relationship with God.  These friendships are indispensable, whether you die married or single.  The purpose of this is to approach any potential dating relationship being armed with conscious experiences of exploring who you are and who you are not (which is an ever-evolving journey) and accepting who you are with love, not shame - imperfections and all.  If this isn't done, it sets a high-risk ball into motion towards heartache that can be thwarted by not depending on unrealistic expectations being met by the person you enter into a dating relationship with.  It's mutually beneficial, greatly reducing resentment-liability, on both ends.
• Articulate what your expectations are (not what you think they ought to be, but what they truly are) by identifying bottom-line behaviors that you will not tolerate without specific immediate actions being followed on your end.  Including, but not limited to ending the dating relationship.  Possible examples: lying/deception, cheating, physical/emotional abuse, untreated addiction etc.  This includes sharing values on specifics that are non-negotiable to you; spiritual compatibility, financial philosophies, or other lifestyle perspectives etc.  Be careful not to judge or criticize your bottom-lines, because that will hide them when they really are present (shame-based denial).  If you're not comfortable with your bottom-line behaviors or standards, I'd caution that you may not be ready to enter into the dating arena yet and this may set you up to compromise way beyond your limits.  Compromise isn't bad, in and of itself, if you never become willing to compromise, you will up your chances of being alone even when you do not truly want to be, but when you do compromise without even consciously being aware of it, it usually comes back to bit you in the arse.  Get comfy in your own skin first, warts and all.  You can always re-evaluate your expectations, but you can't unless you're aware of them first.  The purpose behind this principle is similar to the first - to arm yourself with accepting reality and not being blind-sided by denial. 
• Articulate what your current dreams and goals are for this relationship.  What is the vision you hold for the future with this person that gets you excited?  Talk specifics; family, children, career/vocation, calling, lifestyle, etc.  This can be a good open door to negotiate, because these are not bottom-line deal-breakers, necessarily.  If they are, they should be identified as such.  These are the things you desire or want from the relationship, but you're honestly OK accepting if they don't come as hoped.  You can grieve over these losses, without major wounds.  Cast your dreams and visions with this person, while also seeking to mutually understand theirs.    
• Date in community, not in isolation.  You're only as sick as your secrets, and if you feel the need to keep secrets about any dating relationship elements, that's a red stinky flag.  Shame is fueled by secrecy.  Keep things in the light, with trusted and supportive community.
• Practice intimacy and vulnerability with god and your female friendships first.  It will help you experience the powerful feelings of fear and connection and regulating from those very human emotions while investing in a meaningful relationship.  This will help you to learn by experience that while conflicts, misunderstandings, disappointments, and all that icky stuff is not at all fun to feel, it does not need to hijack and define the relationship either.  You can overcome it, but it takes willingness on both ends.  You can practice being deeply connected in your heart and soul with another person you trust (which means feeling vulnerable because you DO CARE about how this person feels about you) and get the inevitable experiences of being let down and pissed off by this person, and them being let down and pissed off by you -- and it all getting worked out in a way that brings you closer together, and not created distance that gets ignored or pretend away.  It may do that too, but you can learn from these painful times and gain experience in how to lick your tender wounds and get back up after being wounded without burying layers and layers of unresolved resentments. 

You optimize your chances for enjoying a healthy life-long relationship when you enter into one out of some kind of supply (versus a demand) of wholeness, health and love.  Not out of a survival need to fill a deficit within yourself.  That is a recipe for loads of heartaches, unfulfillment and resentment.  The supply for this can come through when it wasn't present from the onset, but my experience shows you need two willing people, not just one.  I'm being made living proof of God's willingness to show up for you when you invite him, but I ain't going to lie or sugar-coat the process that's involved.  It's still occurring after a tremendous amount of pain and necessary willingness to go to great lengths for a breakthrough to freedom and healing by allowing God to redeem the broken pieces, one day at a time.    

The best gift you could give to both you and your potential future-spouse is doing what you can well in advance before you meet or decide to commit to him or her, to be ready to give the best of yourself to them, without unconsciously loosing yourself in them.  It's a high-road, but this is your heart we're talking about. It's not about perfection.  Perfection is unrealistic, but rather being conscious and aware of being your growing best-self realizing that your best-self shows up while in surrender to a loving God, as you enter into a potential for such an intimate relationship.  Love and intimacy is risk-taking, but it's a calculated risk and when you see the possible dividends, it's worth it, and all the sooner when these principles can be followed as long as you have today.  The temptation is strong and subtle to blow these principles off by believing that a perfect or ideal someone will help you live life happily ever after without you ever having to experience pain or risk.  Hollywood makes a good fortune from glamorously propagating that fairy tale, but so do divorce attorneys after the curtain falls.
 

Love is worth it.  You are worth it.  Take these words to heart, and in everything - surrender all to God, trusting in Him to lead you, He will never forsake you.  And remember - the source of unfailing love to sustain you and fill your God-given longings for love and intimacy is God.

I wish you well and all the best in love and life because your heart, mind, body and souls are SO WORTH IT.

Love you deeply,

Mom

Coming Out of the Belief Closet

I'm coming out of the belief closet - here's the Gospel as I currently understand it, presented to you with a confession...

I wish I could say in clear conscience that I'm convinced that Jesus Christ is not the only path to God.  Does this offend you?  I apologize if it does. Initially, it offends me too.

I wish I could say that all faiths are created equal and have equal footing when it comes to God and all things spiritual, I really do.  I would feel much more warmly accepted, and my people-pleasing and approval-seeking cravings would be easily satisfied.  I'd be a much better liked person, based on my spiritual beliefs.  But I'd be lying out of fear and trying to control how others view me, I relapse to this sometimes often. I confess I've struggled with coming clean on this because of my approval-seeking-people-pleasing based ways of doing life feeling like I'm on a stage before judges, waiting to dock me points.

I am not a credentialed theological expert.  I do not have specialized training in the vast religions of the world.  So, decide for yourself what to accept or reject, but I'm starting to lay out my "belief cards" on the table in clear sight - no hidden secrets.  What really counts though is how I live my life, not how I articulate in words alone what I believe.  If you know me well, watch me live, whether I admit it or not, my beliefs become apparent in how I actually live my life.  Where is the path I'm on taking me?  Do my choices reflect the dogma my mind subscribes to?  All of our "beliefs" are on display, whether we articulate them verbally or not.  

The closer you are to someone, the more you'll know what they truly believe.

And one more thing - I'm not going to reference any Bible verses either, which might either irritate some and provide relief for others.  Oh well.

Here we go...

I believe it's much harder to reject God's salvation than it is to receive it, but rejecting it is possible.  

Breaking it down...

God as I understand him, has willingly and painstakingly done all that is possible on his end within the context of us having free-will, to draw us to him.  If it were not for him, we'd be without hope. Period.

God exists.  God is good.  God is love.  How can we know him?  We cannot know him outside of his own volition to reveal himself to us.  We depend on him revealing himself to us to know him.  He reveals himself to us at our level of consciousness and reasoning/understanding, as human beings.  He did this through becoming one himself, that's who Jesus Christ was - the exact image of God in flesh and blood.  Fully human, fully God-divine.  Jesus was God in disguise, as a Jewish carpenter who was also a Rabbi.

I've often wondered - "Why can't I just pick and choose a religion or elements of religions that seem like a good fit for me to believe in, and be good with God?  All religions seem similar anyway, it's not fair."

Well, that's one way I've looked at it.  But here's another I'll submit to you...

Why would God choose to become a human being in such a vulnerable level (as a fetus, conceived in a poor unwed peasant Jewish girls' womb) to reveal himself to mankind, to be then killed and publicly ridiculed if that wasn't necessary?  Did God make a terrible and miscalculated mistake in becoming a human being and getting crucified on the cross to make a way for us to return to him when it wasn't even needed?  Does he over-dramatize the whole sin and salvation gig?  Can't we have other ways to get back to him, really...He didn't need to go all out to bring us back.  Or did he?

I project myself onto others, often.  This doesn't exclude how I perceive God and his intentions.  When I find myself feeling offended by the claim that Jesus is the only way back to God, when I do some soul searching I often find self-projections behind my being offended.

Before humans existed, God didn't need humans to be OK with himself.  He desired them.  He chose to create them, in His own likeness out of a desire from an abundance of love for himself, not out of an emotional, physical, spiritual or psychological need to survive.  We, humans do that stuff when God's love isn't our source of life, which is the baseline due to sin (but not the final one).  God doesn't do this, if he did, he'd be disowning his very self, for he is love.  We are created in his likeness in that God is love, and we were created for perfect love.  He doesn't have this twisted and codependent need to feel needed, mistaking that as love.  Humans do that.  We have this love thing all messed up.

Receiving God's love, which is given out of his free choice and not out of his unmet dependency needs feeding off our need to need him, are we then able to love others, ourselves included.

We were created for perfect unity and unbroken intimacy with God.  We had that, once upon a time in real-life-history and it's still in our DNA.  We, as a human race choose to bypass getting our needs met by God and have as a result, evolved into trying to experience unbroken intimacy with God through anything or anyone BUT God.  Physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually - we still experience the evolution of bypassing God's provision of himself, to meet our needs, to this day.  And the results linger, from one generation to the next.

He has made a way back to himself though.  Back to our true and authentic self, that has unbroken intimacy with him.  That is what Jesus accomplished on the cross.  He made the way for us to come back to him.  He paved a way back for us to trust him, by doing what only He could to do prove such trustworthiness - by dying for us, in our place, and freeing us while He paid for our mistrust of him.  That is my current understanding of what sin essentially is, sin isn't us committing an act that's "bad" or "dirty" it's not us "misbehaving with God".

Sin is the fruit or byproduct of shame (self-hatred/disgust), which is coupled with distrusting God (our Creator from whom breathed life (spirit) into our physical bodies) operating through a faith that sees God as not for us, which leads to us being separated from him.  In Jesus, he proved his love to us on the cross by his action of freely laying down his life for us, which was only made possible through the will of humans beings carried out in their rejection of him, which is the very sin that created the opportunity to bring us back to him.  If Jesus wasn't being rejected and distrusted through humans invalidation of him and his identity, he wouldn't have had to opportunity to die for us.  But he used the very subtle transaction that separates us (distrusting him or sinning by invalidating his trustworthiness) to be what brings us back to him.

God used the final act of the religious leaders' invalidation of Jesus (crucifying him on the cross for identifying himself as God) to be the very act that validates us before our accusing enemy, Satan.

That is love.  That is God.  

Satan rightly accuses us of distrusting God (what the Bible calls sin),
Jesus validates both Satan's accusations of our sin and our incredible worth, at the same time by one act - being crucified.
And we who receive this through trusting Him, are set free....

He demonstrated his love for us by making a way for us to return to him and to our originally created spiritual place of perfect unity with him, through trusting him.  He did this through Jesus Christ, who broke through the barriers of our rejecting and being offended by him by our insistence to get our needs for love met outside of him, because we didn't trust him.

Jesus can appear offensive, because he loves as God loves.  Love isn't apathetic or indifferent, on the contrary, love expresses itself through action, which can be interpreted as offensive when not receiving it as such. We have fallen from God, and since God is love we've strayed far from knowing what love truly is, that when we see it, we are offended by it.

Freedom is what we've been given.  Free freedom, and we are easily offended by it because we want to earn it ourselves.  We pride ourselves in being self-sufficient and prefer to choose how that self-sufficiency looks when we choose our own path back to God, while being offended by his providing that path to us instead.  Now - who is the one playing out the unnecessary over-dramatized salvation gig?  Who is the one being stubbornly bias, out of offense?

In my own words and understanding, the gospel message is simply this:

God has made a way for mankind to return to Him, and to our authentic selves that has always been created for intimate fellowship with him, poured out to ourselves and one another.  The path he provided was through himself.  The cross-section of God and mankind is Jesus, doing what He did on the cross - dying as a condemned sinner in our place.  He came down to us, because we could not return back to him by our own merits or efforts.  We are completely dependent on him for our return.  Jesus' sacrifice provided the way back to God, once and for all.

All other ways, including religions that talk up a good way back to God by only doing or intellectually subscribing to certain doctrines or beliefs is another way of trying to earn our way back to God, apart from his provision.  Many other religions, including the vast array that stem from Christianity that depend on our own efforts to bring us back may or may not have valid moral principles for daily living.  They acknowledge God.  They acknowledge morals.  They acknowledge many truths God does, but the distinct difference exists in the means back to God by being outside of himself, which is who Jesus Christ is.  He is God incarnate, because there was no other way.  He had to take that act upon himself, and he did.  Through becoming a human being, he was God made flesh.  The divine intersection occurred in Jesus, who gave himself fully to bring us back to him and our true selves as he created us to be.  His provision: Jesus Christ.  Thankfully we do have an option, our part is in responding with willingness.  How are you willing to respond to the path God has laid out to you through Jesus Christ?  The choice is yours, to take it or leave it.

Confession: the church is made up of wounded people - sinners actually, and just like what goes on outside of the church; wounded people will wound other people.  When I'm least aware of my wounds, that's when I'm at a higher risk of wounding others.  I am sorry, I am not an exception.  Do not throw the baby out with the bath water though.  I have been so close to doing that myself, in many ways on many levels.  You decide, that's what you've been given - free will.  Use it wisely, use it to receive this love yourself, not to take offense.  I can choose my offenses, but my offenses don't blindly choose me and I don't have to remain blind to the source of my offenses.

Now, if Jesus Christ were not known at a cognitive level of consciousness - would that soul be rejected by God?  I have reason to believe the answer is no.  I believe there are those who have a cognitive level of knowing Jesus, and it's limited to just that.

Beliefs don't save us, they steer us.

Actions speak louder than words when it comes to revealing what one truly believes, beyond talking about what they believe.  No shame in what one believes, it is what it is.  Judgment isn't at all beneficial for me to pass on.  Self-awareness surrounding my own beliefs is critical for my own well being.  I am becoming more convinced there are souls who cognitively/intellectually may not know Jesus, but know him on a spiritual and heart-to-heart level, that have a valid relationship with him.  That said, there are indispensable advantages while living on earth, in knowing the more complete picture of God, which is revealed unhidden in Jesus Christ.  I have a very hard time accepting the belief that God would reject them based on cognitive acknowledgment, and my understanding of the Jesus from the Bible and my own personal experience with him seems to support this.

What an opportunity we have - that is if you're not dead yet.  What are you waiting for?

Peace.

Poetry - Medicine for the Soul

Slow and steady wins finishes the race,

Set your own rhythm, set your own pace.

Give to yourself, both time and grace,

Breathe, and acknowledge that He's in this place.

Enjoy your journey, trust His path,

Make time to play, and make time to laugh.

Embrace all life that's free and full

Seeing the mundane as all but dull.

Keeping a journal, and writing often

Helps to discern, and helps to soften,

A heart which is searching,

Or breaking or thanking.

Accepting the limits within all humanity,

Draws you to God, and away from insanity.

Gaining the courage to change what you can
And trusting God's work; redemption of man.

Honor His role, which cannot be taken

His grace and His love, will not be shaken.

Marriage. Takes. Work.

Once upon a time in a faraway land, a young man and woman met, fell in love and got married.

Their pathologies romantically drew them together.

But if their not-so-romantic pathologies continue as is, it will create the very driving force which will prevent them from living happily ever after.

BOTH have a make-it-or-break-it choice.  BOTH have a two-choice dilemma consisting of two very different paths.  Both paths involve pain and difficulty, and follows crises.  One path has lots of individual pain and difficulty experienced heavily on the front-end.  Intimacy, transformation and mature love is the pleasurable dessert that follows, but it's tricky to find because it's the path less traveled, rarely taken by BOTH individuals.

The other path has very little pain and difficulty experienced individually on the front-end, it saves that for last.  In the beginning, this path predominantly avoids pain, which comes from making necessary changes by learning how to respond to life differently, and applying those lessons learned, one day at a time.

Two paths following crises: 

1. Face the issues in the marriage that proceeded and led up to the crises
2. Avoid dealing with the issues in the marriage that proceeded and led up to the crises

If both choose the first path, there is predominately pain and difficulty in the beginning.  In my observation, it's primarily experienced on an individual level, but not exclusively.  The marriage and its traumatic wound are stabilized, then temporarily set aside.  The traumatic wound is usually a presenting symptom of a deeper,  longer-standing untreated wound, that's become inflamed and infected by avoidance or simply lacking awareness.  In essence, both individuals will be learning how to walk all over again, and this happens with focusing inward, through self-examination in place of cross-examination.

Before a marriage can be mended after crises, to the level where it will thrive, flourish and sustain inevitable conflicts without going into all out crisis; both individuals pause and face into themselves first.  If BOTH do not choose the first path; the marriage will suffer and will result in either the marriage ending or remaining legally intact but emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally broken and unfulfilled.  When there are children in a marriage, they will inevitably be effected by each component, represented as a 3-legged stool, which creates their home's environment, for better or for worse.  This 3-legged stool is made up of the internal relationship each parent has with themselves (2), and the marriage relationship between one another (1).  There is no way around it.  The children are effected by each component, and each component is effected by individual choice.

Relationships are potentially great people-growers, according to willingness.

Marriage. Takes. Work.


(I'm not a credentialed marriage counselor - this is my current amateur perspective.  Decide for yourself how this may or may not apply to you.)

P.S.  If you've become convinced that you're the one who is in the right and your spouse or partner's behavior is primarily responsible for the marital crises, then so be it.  But unless you're either in an arranged marriage, or a relationship which you had no choice in becoming intimately involved with, then your wounds contributed to choosing this "messed up person", and that's yours to own and address.  Either way, you are not alone.

Shades of Grey

In my black or white thinking, I tend to view life by making circumstances or people fit in either one of two categories; good or bad.

Satan exists.  He comes only to steal, kill and destroy.  (John 10:10)

Jesus exists.  He has come that we may have life, and have it to the full.  (John 10:10)

Humans exist.  We are neither only good, nor only bad.  (Genesis 1:27 & Romans 2:9, 7:14-23)

I've struggled with seeing people in their human category, in shades of grey.  I have a propensity to either adore and revere people so highly they're close to being on the same level as Jesus or God to me; or such a disdain towards them they could practically be holding a pitch fork for all I know.  Either way, it is a distortion. 

I'm learning that much of life, particularly when lived from the mature adult perspective, falls into shades of grey.  Categorizing much of life, especially people in either black or white categories is more age-appropriate for children.  When I was a kid watching movies, I'd want to know who were the good guys and who were the bad guys (OK, I guess I still do).  The in between didn't exist.

Humans are in shades of grey.  While certain human behavior and conduct can be on one end of the spectrum, humans themselves aren't either one or the other; all good or all bad.  In my limited observation, much of human behavior is all over the spectrum as well. We can be amazingly kind and compassionate in one moment, and very cruel the next.  When we judge a person's value by what they do, we are eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  There is no "grey" fruit on this tree.  This causes distortion, not wisdom.  When we start to see others in either one or the other category, truth gets covered.  People are neither God nor the devil.  They are simply people.

To be better equipped to live life well on life's terms, I can be comfortable with seeing circumstances and people, including myself, in the many shades of grey, and not get anxious about it.  That is peace.  That takes crazy surrender.

The Marriage Projector

My own recovery involves me going deeper into myself.  Getting to know, love and accept myself authentically.  As a wife in recovery, I'm learning that to the degree I'm loving and accepting my authentic self, I'm able to love and respect my husband's authentic self.  I think they are inter-related.  Despite denial, when I'm operating out of self-hate through shame being in the driver's seat of my life, it will show up in my most intimate relationships, specifically my marriage.

If I elude my-self and do not face into myself out of love and compassion, how will I be able to do this with my husband?  If I'm ashamed, disconnected and in denial within...I will most likely see my husband as such because I can't get past projecting what I'm denying within.  Jesus did speak to this when he said, "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." -Matthew 5:2  I wonder if this is because of our projection.  We do live in a house of mirrors, not windows.

I need to face into myself and examine within before I face out to cross-examine others.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." -Matthew 5:3-5

My vision is greatly crippled if I do not look at myself (self-examine), while I'm judging others and trying to tell them about them (cross-examine).  When I do that, I'm fooling myself into thinking I'm speaking about them, when I'm really speaking more about myself.  How others speak of others is quite revealing of themselves, whether they own the connection or not.  Our discernment surrounding others comes clearly when we've first discerned within and then removed the baggage that skews our discernment.  There is no other relationship I've had that doesn't play out my stuff more than my marriage.

Intimacy exposes me.  Fear of intimacy is fear of me being exposed.  I can move towards intimacy with others when I've moved towards intimacy with myself, and stopped running from myself.  Full exposure through self-disclosure with me, God and another human being prepares me for intimacy with another.  I voluntarily expose myself, and do not submit to fear and shame.  Out of that place, I can connect to my husband to the same level I've done this within.

I can respect my husband when I have self-respect.  I can have self-respect when I've quit trying to hide from myself and have instead accepted my full self...the good, the bad and the ugly.  I do not love my husband so I can love myself, as I've often misunderstood.  It's a by-product or a reflection of the kind of terms I'm on with my own self.

Later on down the road, I may disclose more of how this applies personally, but for now...I'm good with just throwing out the thought process of theory...I'm a work in progress...

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church - for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."  This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church.  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."  -Ephesians 5:28-33