P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess

This song is to help usher you into my inner world, to see things from my world for a brief moment.  My dysfunctional relationship with evangelical Christianity, which includes shadows of my trauma/emotional abuse being projected onto Jesus and my overwhelming experiences with Christians supporting that projection, not disarming it.

If you are too uncomfortable getting behind my eyes for a brief moment, you may not want to watch this video.  While I do appreciate being able to appropriately accommodate others with their tolerance level in mind, I'm not remaining silent and keeping this to myself concerning this post.  I've spent most of my life doing that, and it often involved me shutting down in shame.  It's the environment that feels hauntingly familiar to me - being surrounded by people whom I want to get me, yet are uncomfortable with getting me.  I learned to survive by hiding in shame and discovering which mask made others feel most comfortable, then wore it so I could feel accepted by making others at ease.  I've learned that many people, not excluding evangelical Christians, appreciate masks.

Pink's voice represents mine, speaking of my perception of jesus.  The male voice in this song represents jesus; not the real jesus, but the jesus that's represented by the majority of my experiences with Christians.  He is sweet, charming, passionate, confident, and invalidating.  Cognitively, I know better then to believe this is how jesus really is, but subconsciously - there's little difference.  Unfortunately, it's been my overall experience in the church but won't be the defining experience, so help me God.  The voices of Christians validate the inner voices of shame, instead of demolishes them, then places blame on the wounded for being wounded.  The struggle between me and this pull towards unhealthy and emotionally stifling religion that's purported feels hauntingly familiar.  The syrupy invalidation is suffocating me, slowly but surely.

As I fight to not throw the baby out with the bathwater (Jesus) and his authentic voice, I realize He is the one fighting for me, not against me.  The authentic voice of Jesus is not neutral, it doesn't complicity agree with the voices of shame.

The branch of Christianity that stems from using God and certain interpretations of Bible verses to hide and deny their feelings as if that is spiritual, is an addiction.  I am in recovery myself from this insidious addiction.  I will no longer conform.  That "gospel" is confining, not liberating, and is really no gospel at all.


"Just Give Me A Reason"

Right from the start you were a thief
You stole my heart and I, your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep 
Oh oh things you never say to me
Oh oh tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again 

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everything
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah but this is happening)

You've been havin' real bad dreams 
Oh oh you used to lie so close to me
Oh oh there's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love our love oh our love our love

Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped, you're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh tear ducts and rust I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust but our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean 

Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again 

Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again 

Ooh we can learn to love again 
Ooh we can learn to love again
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Preying or Praying? Recovery from Spiritual Traps of Pseudo-Spirituality

To women, whether you bear children or not; the fall of mankind, which I call the original spiritual trauma (versus original sin), resulted in a "curse" or as I put it in my own words, the aftershock or "post-traumatic-stress-disorder" symptoms.  For women, these symptoms were described in Genesis...and this particular one is universal for women, not just women who give birth to babies...

"Your desire will be for your husband,

and he will rule over you."  - Genesis 3:16

Now let me break this down...

I'm learning that my deepest desires or longings are not bad, in and of themselves.  That is what makes me alive and human, made in the image of my Maker.  That is the homing device that will bring me to spiritually experiencing God.  

The subtle danger with desire is not that they exist, and I acknowledge them by voicing them, but it is what or whom I falsely believe is the ultimate source of fulfilling that desire.  Whatever I identify as the source for fulfilling my deepest longings and desires, that is what will rule over me, for better or for worse.  Just as a heroin addict's cravings are linked to being satisfied by using more heroin, which reinforces the destructive addiction cycle to heroin, so is whatever false source I identify as satisfying my deepest desires and longings.  The true source I'm starting to experience, is in having a deepening and ongoing spiritual awakening, dependent on getting my life from experiencing God who is fully represented in Jesus, as He relates to the true and authentic me, not the false ego I've learned to create for surviving in a broken world.

My understanding is that the symptom (curse) of the original spiritual trauma (sin) separated us from God. This fragmented our ability to experience the reality of God, our true/authentic selves, and the true/authentic selves of others, from coexisting in harmony from being fulfilled by God, with the absence of shame.  Shame leads to hiding our true/authentic vulnerable selves, which leads to us wearing clothes or masks of various forms of  false-selves (egos) that relate to God, self and others.  From relating to a distorted image of God and ourselves, a spiritually traumatic disruption or loss occurred, which has impacted us physically and emotionally as well, for we are not just one dimensional beings (men and women).  For women specifically, it plays out in her closest relationships.  Women's desires for enjoying her closest relationships puts a high value on relationships.  This is how women reflect the image of God, for God greatly desires and values relationships.  This is my current interpretation of the "curse" that women experience, the aftershocks of not related to the true God and seeing herself as God sees her - which is just how he sees man - as very good.

If I'm married, the "fix" may be sought out through my husband, as I attempt (consciously or subconsciously) to get my husband to fulfill me, or it will be with whatever relationship(s) I have where I carry a high expectation or dependency for being fulfilled through.  That relational vehicle can be disguised through my career, a ministry, a degree/accolade, or whatever boils down to the relationship(s) that matter most to me, when it comes to a dependency of how I think others will think of me.

The more "good" this vehicle is judged to be by my subconscious, the more insidious.  If the vehicle is for me to be seen as a "Do-Gooder" or as a good mom, wife, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist, or politician, I will likely feed off of those people who also value that same vehicle for seeking fulfilment through.  It is of my current opinion, based on my own experience and observation, that religion is one of the most dangerous addictions around.  Why?  Because it is so damn insidious and subtle, it rarely even gets flagged as an addiction.  

Religious addicts who are the most addicted are those who are in high places (whether that high place is within their own ego or purported by others within their religion or religious community) and rarely take questioning seriously because of their position/status.  It's especially concerning when specific criticism of religious addicts is dismissed without a thorough exploration and acknowledgment, and the person speaking out about the problem then becomes the problem, for speaking out about the problem.  The "don't talk", "don't question leaders" unspoken rule is a classical sign of a religious addiction supported by a spiritually oppressive system made up of people who survive on denial of reality, and must include scapegoating anyone who tries to buck the system.

"For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ.  And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.  It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness.  Their end will be what their actions deserve." 
- 2 Corinthians 11:13-15

Personally, I've had experience on both sides.  I've identified myself as a recovering Pharisee, which is basically a religious codependent on crack.  I was high off self-righteousness that was based primarily on a cognitive knowledge or understanding of God as I cognitively knew him, with a weak/repressed experientially based spirituality.  It wasn't until my "self-righteous" house of cards came tumbling down a couple years ago, that I saw this addiction for what it was, an insidious vehicle that started out to serve me well, which someone turned into the master that ruled over me, as I desired to get what I already had in the first place - unconditional love from God, as I am.

Me hitting bottom with my house of religious cards crashing down was the best gift I could have received, for it became my admission ticket to recovery, and having the opportunity to see and admit that to myself, God and trusted others.   Up until me hitting bottom, the God of my understanding was not the same as Jesus who is revealed in the gospels, even though I had identified myself as a Christian, I wasn't experiencing Jesus, but more the highs of smoking the religion of  "Christianity"...very different.  I definitely had my real moments of spirituality, but they were repressed and discounted by me primarily studying and esteeming my intellectual assent of believing in God.  My God was not only Jesus, it was also a false and easily offended god, that became an addiction to win his favor, because it never could touch or fill in the deep crevices of my longings to come into contact with the living God, by experiencing His Spirit, one day at a time, being fused with mine.

Recovery from being an evangelical pharisee is allowing my spirit to be awakened, albeit imperfectly, but progressively, one day at a time.  Those who run, walk, jump and limp with me on this recovery journey are a huge asset to me, as they humbly allow me to be of service to them, and as they reciprocate that service to me in humility as well.  

As I walk with others on this spiritual journey on earth, I hope to remember to ask myself everyday: "Today, am I praying for people?  Or am I preying on people?"  It's a question that must be answered in rigorous honesty, without shame.  It's the difference between pseudo-spirituality which is a trap, or authentic spirituality, which is life-giving and freeing.  I'm learning to discern the difference between the two, because at first they seem very similar, until I break an unspoken rule in questioning those in leadership, which is a screaming red flag that it is a pseudo-false spiritual system I'm coming up against.  When I realize I've done all I can to fit in, but cannot without shutting down and shutting up in the name of a christian virtue, like "forgiveness" or "reconciliation", my next move is to accept reality on reality's terms and if that includes the reality that I cannot change the system, I must surrender it to God and move one, walking in my integrity, while practicing right-relatedness.  This is hard.  This is what Jesus ultimately lived and died by, and is what saved us.  He was a recipient of spiritual abuse and encountered a religious system that was meant to set captives free, but instead affirmed their shame.  He was a threat to those in leadership over that system, and was eventually crucified for boldly challenging it and not shutting up.  Man, if Jesus only would have let go of his hurts and resentments, and just forgave those he was accusing, then he probably would have been just fine, and not been crucified.

Jesus is my example.  Who feels safest with me?  Those in the "majority" who benefit from group think?  Or those in the minority, who are marginalized and easily scapegoated as being severely-wounded or as in Jesus' days, the Lepers, sinners, tax collectors and prostitutes?  Self-examination bearing this question in mind will tell me if I'm preying on the vulnerable or if I'm praying for the vulnerable, while being willing to be used to help set them free, as I identify myself as one of them, who has been set free myself by the grace of Jesus and the message of the gospel.

To the Trauma Mamas (and Papas) - From a Trauma Baby All Grown Up...

There are countless moms (and dads) who are trying their best to connect with their children who've experienced complex trauma/attachment disorganization, aka. RAD (reactive attachment disorder).  Some are foster parents or adoptive parents, or are in another way weaved closely into a child's life who desperately needs an adult caregiver to get them, but will not cannot facilitate that on their own.  On the contrary, as a result of these children surviving early trauma, they've learned to protect and fight to protect themselves from experiencing that which they so desperately need, but fear most: secure attachment through unconditional love and acceptance, as they are fully being known, which includes their inner wounds from primarily being survivors of trauma, without them even knowing it themselves.

As a survivor of this particular trauma myself, I'm aware of how most people I've observed who've never experienced this themselves, take for granted knowing or having a relationship (albeit imperfect and sometimes messy) with their birth mother and/or birth father.  My observation isn't an indictment, it's an awareness I've only had the opportunity to have because I've not had the experience of knowing from where or from whom I come from, I've often wished I had the chance to take that experience for granted though.

It's from a place of my own growing self-awareness that ushers in healing, and from the support of a safe and loving community where I can experience healing, not just study, read or hear about it.

These are my most recent reflections on this journey of where I'm at.  I share it out of the hope and strong desire to help heal others who can relate to certain parts of my story.  Why?  -Because by authentically sharing my story, it also mysteriously helps heal me.


I'm an adult Korean adoptee, with her own children, trying to figure life out... 
In living with "RAD" myself, I want to say it's better described as "PMAA" (protect myself against attachment). Please read this as I share my inner parts....perhaps you will see parts of your children in my experience, including your own inner child....

I am not for myself as much as I need me to be. My inner child needs a strong parent, a strong mother. I am the best mother for her, yet I've been trying to find her a replacement because I feel insecure and not strong enough. But nobody else will do. As long as I'm still alive, that role is for me. When I'm abandoning that role and abandoning my inner child out of fear and shame, whether it's induced by an external or internal process, I'm realizing I'm unsafe to her, and others who don't fit the bill will be also.  A telltale sign of me trying to sign another woman up (or accepting another woman's signing themselves up) to be my inner child's mother is me taking everything they say and do very personally, extracting shame from their not measuring up (whether it's done out of clear or unclear motives), and digesting the shame myself. That shame is familiar to me, but it is poison to my soul. 

I was first fed this shame from being relinquished by my birth mother, which was how I was introduced to this world -through abandonment and shame. That became my first experience relationally speaking, and as a newborn, my survival depended on a securely-attached relationship with my birth mother, which I never got. I had at least two other foster mothers within the first year of my life, including a hospitalization in between foster homes.  My adoptive mother never visibly abandoned me, but I felt like she did, it was just invisible, but I could not connect to her as if I was her own birth child, so I felt abandoned, even though I was unaware of it.  I was emotionally starving for a strong and loving mother to fight to win me over and then create a secure-attachment based on trust that was earned, that was heavily fought for. My birth mother had it easiest to create that bond with me, that safe relationship where I wouldn't need to fear for my own survival. For whatever reason, she gave me up, when there was no resistance present in needing to win me over.  I would've been easily bonded to her, if she was willing and able to facilitate that with me as an infant. As a result of losing that relationship and not experiencing a safe woman as my mother, I had to survive on my own. I had to protect myself, because there was nobody else doing that for me. The only way I knew how to do that was to build walls around my heart, to never have my heart shattered again by someone I needed to love and care for me. 

It's with these walls, I came to live with my adoptive parents. My birth mother had harmed me through relinquishing me, and I've spent almost all of my life blaming and shaming myself for depending on her and needing her. I'm now becoming conscious of that which I've done subconsciously for all my life.  It was my need for her that I thought was dangerous and unsafe, not that she was unable, for whatever reason, to meet that need.  My heart learned the lesson that needing a mother or caregiver was unsafe, and I carried this lesson and applied it to my adoptive mom. She was the one whom I needed to fight FOR me, not against me. All my behaviors set her up to fight me though, and every time she fought against me, I would be re-assured that I was doing the best thing for my survival, to see that any need to need my mom, or receive love from her was dangerous.

As an adult, I'm healing from this...one day, one struggle, one fight, one victory at a time...learning that my need to need me to be a strong and loving mother to my inner child will never die, as long as I'm alive. And that truth is something that applies to all humans, whether they can be categorized as birth children, planned children, unplanned, unwanted, biological, not biological, abandoned, relinquished, or adopted.

RAD? It's reactive alright, but its not a disorder, it's a survival skill they had to learn or they would probably be dead by now.

To all the trauma mamas (and papas):
Keep fighting the good fight, and yes, it is definitely a fight, and it's most definitely a good fight worth fighting.