"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and your mother' - which is the first commandment with a promise - 'so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." - Ephesians 6:1-3
What a promise! The promise isn't just having longevity on earth, that's not what I'm understanding. It's about enjoying long life on earth. For what good is having a long life on earth if I'm not able to enjoy it?
There are several things I'm extracting here, within the context of where I am in my journey of recovery and growth presently.
I am no longer a child. I am an adult who is now a parent myself, with my own children. Obedience to my parents isn't applicable in the phase of adulthood. Honor is. There's a difference. Children (younger ones) aren't capable of truly honoring (a heart thing), they can however, obey (a behavior thing). Honoring is something which adults can do, with the absence of obedience. Obedience is something children/adolescents can do, with the absence of honoring.
In my current place in life and looking forward, I am called to honor my parents. Honoring people just because of their role or title is something I struggle with. Especially if the expectations I attach to that role, and my personal experience with the people in that role, miss the mark. The more pain I've experienced from them missing the mark, the greater I struggle to honor them. It simply doesn't come naturally. What comes natural is to self-righteously judge and resent the people who have contributed to my pain in life,
The roles given to humans on earth that often cause the most pain by falling short: Mom and Dad
They have been given a God-sized role, without being God. Every parent, no matter how much they desire to parent perfectly, will miss the mark, which hurts their children, to varying degrees. Their children are the people in their lives they are most likely for in life, but as human parents, we are not able to be all we want to be for them. There's gotta be some pain on both ends, whether it's acknowledged on both ends or not.
I wonder if this is why this commandment has a promise - because it's so important, yet so unnatural to produce. In and of my own power, I cannot. Why? -Because of all the people in our lives, the ones whose shit will affect us the most is our parents', just as their strengths can bless us the most, their weaknesses can harm us the most. I can say this, because I can see this so clearly as an imperfect parent myself, who is also working to truly honor my own imperfect parents.
I'm applying the verb definition of the word honor here, not the noun. In my interpretation, I see "honor" as an action word, not a "person/place/or thing" (noun).
I googled "define honor" and Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the verb as:
a : to regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect: to regard or treat with honor
I don't see anything indicative of conditions existing for mother and father to receive this honor. I've looked hard for that loophole, I don't see one. It's simply by the condition of their role, as mother and father, that I'm called to honor them.
Does this invalidate my childhood wounds? Absolutely not, though I've felt that way when I've thought of this commandment before. I'm now seeing something new.
It is by acknowledging childhood wounds which in doing so, validates them, but it doesn't end there. It moves on (at a different pace for each person), were I can work through wounds, towards healing (lifelong process), and being able to forgive my parents for how they contributed to these wounds, much of which is by default of being human.
How can I truly honor someone that I'm also holding unforgiveness towards? How can I forgive someone for pain/resentment I've experienced in the relationship, if I'm not acknowledging it? Honoring my parents doesn't result from denying the pain I feel. Denial robs me of healing and becoming empowered to truly honor my parents, even with the presence of pain from that relationship. Nobody is honored by deceit and denial, which will eventually show up in my life. Notice, the word "honor" looks like it's related to the word "honest".
When I hold onto resentments by either denial or by not becoming willing to walk towards forgiveness, my life will be negatively impacted by this. I will need to work much harder at enjoying my life, instead of just enjoying it. That'll take its toll on the physical body. For I'm convinced, the sum of life consists of the emotional, physical, and spiritual dimensions inter-relating with one another. I am not a compartmentalized entity, I am a human being that benefits from unity and harmony from all that's going on within me. I am complex. I am human.
God wants it to go well with me here on earth. In adulthood, much of this is done by what I do for myself, not by what others do for me. This encompasses me facing obstacles that come in between me being freed up to honor my parents, in spite of how they've missed the mark as parents. My children will someday have to depend on God to honor me this way too. For I am a human parent as well. I inevitably miss the mark as a parent. Accepting this reality helps me to extend more grace towards my own human parents; both my biological ones, and my adopted ones.
We all fall short, whether we're parents or not. Honoring isn't something that's exclusively set aside for the role held by parents. We are called to honor one another in the New Testament (Romans 12:10, 13:7). But, we're specifically called to honor our parents in this commandment, which is repeated in the New Testament - reminding us that it comes with a promise - because I believe God knows more than anyone, that parents, by virtue of their role as parents, may be one of the hardest people to honor in our broken world.
Honoring anyone who I've been hurt by, requires God's power. Which I know that in order for other people to truly honor me, they will need to lean on God's power. For in and of myself - I have not earned it, for I miss the mark and it results in hurting people close to me.
The gospel acknowledges how badly humans miss the mark, whether they're parents or not. It doesn't deny sin (falling short). It takes that fully into account, but doesn't end there. This is why Jesus did what he did on the cross; died, but was resurrected from death. He wouldn't deny how costly us missing the mark was to him, he took that cost upon himself, because he loves us that much.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." - John 3:16-17
Parents are human. Honoring them in adulthood doesn't deny the pain human parents may have caused or are causing. It takes it into account, yet calls us to treat the parent not in proportion to their performance as a parent, but in who they are as parents - people too. Parents, no matter how much they've fallen short in that role, are people too - made in the image of God, whom He sees as having incalculable worth, not by what they've done, but by who they are, people worth dying for. I think God knew that parents would be one of the hardest people to forgive and honor, because of the tremendous role and high expectations that is attached to that role. It's truly a God-sized role that parents have to fill, we're gonna fall short. Parents play an incredible role in the lives of their children, and it's easy to dismiss the truth that they are human (broken/fallible/imperfect), just like us.
