I Can Feel Because....

"Jesus wept."  - John 11:35

It is because I have the hope of eternal spiritual reunification with God, that I can fully grieve over the losses I experience here on earth.  

It is because I have this hope in the upcoming new heaven and earth that I can feel and acknowledge all my human feelings, without fearing and therefore avoiding me feeling them.

It is because I have this hope, that I can face the pain and grief of the suffering I encounter here on earth where there is still death, pain and brokenness.

Feelings are for feeling, not for fixing.

I will reiterate: feelings are for feeling, not for judging or rating my overall:

• "goodness" or "badness"
• "strength" or "weakness"
• "maturity" or "immaturity"

One of my primary pet peeves that I encounter often, inside and outside of the church, which tends to grieve me far more when I encounter this inside of the church, is when feeling certain feelings is admonished through spiritual bypassing.  It infuriates me because it's such a double-bind that results in further strengthening shame, instead of disarming it.

Jesus knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead.  So, why did he weep?  Was this some fraudulent display of human emotions?  

No.  But for the skeptic in me, let me ask...

- When did Jesus ever appear to be operating from a need to deceive his onlookers so he could feel good about himself based on their opinions of him?  

- Why would Jesus disown himself through being inauthentic, for the sake of conning others?

These are often what we do, albeit subconsciously, so it's hard not to project that onto Jesus here.  But then I think to myself; Jesus was crucified because of his unashamed authenticity, which either attracted or repelled people from him.  Jesus lived an open and transparent life on purpose, so that he could pull down the subtle veil of people's misconceptions of God that were portrayed through religion that abused its power and authority.  He wanted to reveal God's true nature, through how he lived and used his God-given power and authority on earth namely; to set captives free, not to acquire more captives.  

Jesus lived his values out in the open, which was problematic for those who preached living one way for God out in the open, yet didn't value living this out in the most critical area of their lives: how they treated the vulnerable; be it the poor, the outcasts, children, foreigners, women in a largely subversive patriarchal society, the lepers, etc.

I've heard it say that Jesus wept so loudly in this account, that people who were not in immediate proximity, could hear his weeping.  He held nothing back while he mourned.

This solicited two responses that were contrasted with one another, in which I believe both responses could find people who can relate to them today.

"Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" - John 11:36

I find it interesting that from what these Jews were witnessing in Jesus' weeping, they took note of how much Jesus loved Lazarus.

Then there is another response from some of the Jews...

"But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?" - John 11:37

Good question.  I wonder though, if these Jews said this because they were uncomfortable with openly expressing grief or emotions in general?  I don't know, but I do wonder.

There are two different responses here from the Jews, to Jesus' grieving.  One seems to empathize with how Jesus grieved.  The other response seems to ask a very logical question and comes from a more analytical viewpoint, in response to Jesus' grieving. 

To this blog author's modern-day-analytical-chic (me) who is much more comfortable in intellectualizing her feelings, than in fully feeling them, I am wondering about this.  Either way, I am still finding it to be a pet peeve of mine to encounter this de-spiritualization of feelings (spiritual bypass) in order to avoid feeling and/or expressing emotions, when in contrast, it is because of my spiritual life's source, that I am empowered to feel my feelings fully, not ward them off with Bible verses.

The Cross: Love > Control

Who is this God of my understanding?

He is all-powerful and sovereign, yet is trustworthy with how He uses His power and sovereignty...how so? By not operating out of any fear-based need to control everyone and everything, in order to arrive at the outcomes He desires.  He does not exchange love for control.  God's ability to do this is rooted in His power to love, not in His power to control.  

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love."  - 1 John 4:18

Love is powerful.  

That is something which is taken for granted because of my distorted assumptions of love and power, and me just beginning to question these assumptions with God and others I trust.  I confuse receiving love with earning and receiving rewards, and power with wielding control. 

When I fear punishment, it's because I fear suffering, and who doesn't?  Punishment isn't punishment, unless there is suffering involved.  If I deny my fear of suffering, I do so out of shame or pride, which leads to hiding, as denial (hiding) is bonded to shame.  I do not want to suffer, because I fear I do not have what it takes to endure it, for suffering renders me vulnerable and dependent.  That is a valid fear.  If none of these elements were present when suffering takes place, I would not fear suffering and I would not fear punishment.  

So, the question which will lead me out of this prison of fear is not a question that's based on the validity of my fear, for it is valid fear.  The question which will lead me towards freedom is: what will drive out this valid fear of punishment, that involves suffering?  The surfacing answer: receiving valid love.  Being validly or perfectly loved results in me not having a fear-based compulsion to control others, in order to get what I need, which is ultimately love.  This doesn't mean that when things do not go the way I desire, that I'm not grieved over it, or that God isn't for that matter, for I can still feel emotions without meaning I'm driven by fear, and I submit to you God is not different in this respect, He's not made stoic because He isn't driven by fear.  In fact, when I am being driven by fear, I usually will not feel my feelings, especially grief.  So, when I do suffer and grieve, I can suffer and grieve knowing that I can endure, because of the power that comes from receiving perfect love, not perfect control.

Love drives out fear, not control.

It takes a supernatural power to becoming willing to choose to relinquish control over every person, place and thing, and I believe this is what God did in creation and in creating humans to be made in His image and likeness.

Love involves taking risks.  Making choices which involve taking high risks happens when it's been determined that the desired goal can only happen if the high risk (to relinquish control of the things beyond God's own personal will) is taken.  The risk is taken when the desired goal outweighs any desire to control to gain security/certainty.  When the risk is not taken, there is a 100% chance that the desired outcome will not be realized.  God took this risk when He created humanity with free will.  He has chosen to honor this boundary, though doing so has also caused Him to feel deep grief and pain.  This is a love that involves taking high risks, but the desired possible outcome, which is humanity having the possibility to accept Him and choose to trust Him in return, is worth it to God.  

The cross is God's solution to our problem of being powerless to be both perfectly liable and faithful in making amends for our sins.  The cross is how God demonstrates His use of power; which is foolishness to those who are convinced that using power over others to get what you want depends on using control over others.

God's power and sovereignty does not equal control.
Love is the most powerful resource in the world, which drives out fear and its need to use control to perfect it.

As I proceed on my journey of solidifying my understanding of God to be a little more concrete, yet not rigid, but fluid, yet unique and distinguishable, I've noticed the pattern of cyclical disorganization before reorganization.

My understanding of, and relationship with God bends but doesn't break, whereas religion, to my understanding, doesn't bend, but easily breaks.  As always, take what you want and leave the rest.

Peace.

Behind the Logic of Sin

It's hard to trust in God outside of my native homeland, where He designed me to be.

Before my physical body was born into this physical world, my spirit was conceived in my homeland. That place is the garden of Eden; Paradise.

Within my inner-sanctum, there exists evidence of my homeland, where I was originally conceived. When I acknowledge this evidence within me, I am also faced with the undeniable yet subtle feelings of alienation and of being a foreigner in the ways I experience this beautiful, yet broken world.

There are two realities within me.  Their existence is not mutually exclusive, although they operate from two different governments which experience polarity and are mutually exclusive in their origins.  Both of their existence is felt within. Their wills, desires and fears can both be experienced within any given day, over a multitude of times, even though they function under polar opposite governments.

God designed me with the capacity to exercise free will, inside and outside of Paradise.  It was not revoked as a consequence or punishment for using my free will in a way that grieved Him.

God takes dramatic and intentional actions in doing what He must do with the desire for me to see that He is absolutely trustworthy, inside and outside of Eden.

There are no laws, rules or edicts that God needs to follow, which depend on Him taking actions to reveal His trustworthiness, with the exception of the royal law of Love: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Love is the only law God chooses to follow.  If He chose to break it, He would be untrue to Himself by going against Himself.

God is love.

There is a subtle and pervasive lie that Satan fathered, and used to gain power and control in the spiritual realm where Earth is.  He successfully deceived and therefore robbed humanity with our cooperation.

The deception was and still is predicated on human beings, one at a time, believing three fundamental lies...

1. I must be defective.
2. The "solution" to my believed problem of being defective, is being secretly withheld by God.
3. The "solution" is within my reach, if I bypass trusting God's provision, and honoring His prohibition (judgement).  

It worked, and it is still at work within humanity, one human at a time.

The two existing governments within me polarize each other with either their agreement or disagreement regarding each fundamental lie.  Believing the first lie (that I am defective) is a prerequisite for me to be faithful to the second and third lies which assure me that I will need to sin for my own good.  The result of being in agreement with, and exercising my faith in the three fundamental lies is sin.

A very rational and logical reason to sin is provided:

I need to sin if I am to repair myself, because I am on my own, even if I am to repair myself for God's sake.

Sin becomes purely logical and rational.
Rationalize ~ "rational lies"