Inner-Perseverating on Love

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters."  - 1 John 3:16

You, dear Reader, are being invited into my inner-persevering process on love.  My train of thought may or may not seem cohesive here.  On the other hand, you may find my train of thought rather refreshing, as I chisel out my searching definition of love, as I understand it today.  I admit with no reservation, I am still trying to figure out what the hell love is.  The reason I write this post (as is the reason I write many posts) is to gain clarity as I wrestle through my confusion and long-standing conundrum in trying to fine-tune my understanding of that which seems elusive to me:  Love between humans.

Where do my thoughts go when I try to define love?  It's a mixture of my own thoughts and repeating what I've heard others say about love:

Love is an action word.  Love is a Person.  God is love.  Love is something freely chosen, freely given, and freely received.  It's not just a feeling, although the presence of feelings don't necessarily polarize the presence of love, and the absence of feelings doesn't necessarily abdicate the presence of love.  Love is a basic need.  Love is demonstrated through my willingness to sacrificially ascribe worth to another, despite their "earning" this, by my actions.  Love isn't self-centered.  Love is willing to give until it hurts, then some.

I'm called to love.  To love God, and to love my neighbor as myself.  My neighbor is anyone I come across, whether it's on the phone, in-person, over the internet, or what have you.

Why does the way I want to interpret this call to love, and the way a deeper part of me actually does interpret this seem to have such irreconcilable differences?  There is a part of me that rejoices with this command to love.  It feels great and freeing.  It feels affirming and validating.  This is when I perceive me being the receiver of the love.  But, there is a hidden part of me that is fighting to bust out of the shame-closet that's been kept in chains there by believing the lie that it's safer to remain in that closet, then be exposed.  This only protects the shame, not me the carrier of it.  By me bringing this out of the closet, and acknowledging this out loud for myself and others, is freeing.  It arrests shame, not me.  Shame can no longer intrude on my life from the hidden inner-cervices of my heart.

This is how that hidden part of me interprets the call to love...
It's debasing, contradictory, and even self-abusive.  But - it is how God is pleased and glorified?  It's the kind of love the impresses God and reflect what Jesus did on the cross.  It's Calvary-like love..dying to self.
Oh. My. God.  It feels like a "holy" trap.  In order to love others, I must sacrifice my own self and be willing to receive mistreatment for the benefit of another?  WTF?  That is what the holy people do, right?  They are able to take it like a champ, and give sacrificially because they are just. that. holy.

I struggle with seeing myself living this out and not feeling resentful of myself, others, and this God who commands this of me.  I want to scream and punch the air, saying: HELL. NO. IT'S. NOT. RIGHT.

Oh, but this would make me sound like a spoiled brat.  An ungrateful, arrogant, tantruming child who demands to have their way and cannot tolerate not getting her way.  Shame on you.  Shut up and know your place in life.  Grow-up.  What a self-centered person I must be.  How un-godly.

How does one reconcile these two very different interpretations and reactions to this call to love others?

Great question.  I don't have a profound answer.  But I'm searching.  I'm knocking.  I'm seeking.  I'm asking.  - And I believe I will receive.

My first strategy in detangling this complex mystery is by going after the root of these beliefs that rip apart myself to shreds, for honestly asking these tough questions.  If anyone wants to join in on that mission - well, is that loving?

I believe in the core of my spirit, that the latter interpretation I have of the call to love as sounding like it's endorsing abusive self-negligence, is deeply rooted in lies I was given of who I am in the first place.  The source?  -wounds and trauma that took place before I could even crawl, let alone verbalize these messages. So don't effing blame the victim.

I am on the journey to heal that, to reconcile my interpretation of love, by first trying to reconcile who I am and why I think the way I do about myself and others, beyond the conscious level of awareness.  What I mean by that is by looking closely at how I live, how I show up in my relationships, who I've trusted myself to and the outcome of that.  By how I've lived my life, how does this reflect how I think of myself and how I value myself.  By my WALK, not my talk.

Inviting others whom I trust into this journey is a non-negotiable for me.  I cannot do this in isolation.  It's hard though, because my trauma and wounds when left alone, want to self-protect by prevention of letting others in, so deeply.  But...as I take baby steps, one risk at a time, and learn who to invite in and who not to, and how far...I grow.  I heal.  One step at a time.  Many of these women, I have met in the Rahab Society.  They are near and dear to my heart.  They are indispensable gifts.

While I cannot currently map out the reconciliation of these two different reactions to the call to love others sacrificially, as articulately as I'd like.  I do believe, I'm getting closer and closer to being able to do that...as I walk with others and with God in this journey of recovery.  One day, I'll be able to articulate that by how I live, not by how I talk.

Romantic Contract

Call me a romantic scrooge, but these are my new developing ideas to help prevent and repair marital conflicts, big and small.

AN AGREEMENT or a RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT.

My logic?

I have a legal contract with my creditors.  The relationship has explicit terms and conditions that create the boundaries of what to expect from them, behaviorally, based on my own behavior.  I know what to expect.

I know my....

• Credit Limit
• Grace Period
• Payment Due Date
• Available Credit
• Late Fee
• Current Balance
• Minimum Payment Due
• Reward Details (if applicable)
• Next Closing Date
• APR

I won't be thrown off guard if I'm charged with a late fee.  I'll know how to appeal or dispute a charge.  I know exactly what to expect if I don't pay a certain amount by a certain date.  I still have freedom, I'm not being controlled, I'm just being clearly told how they operate.  I can then make informed choices based on awareness of their boundaries.  I know what to expect from them as a result of my own actions.  If they withhold from telling me the due date and the amount of my balance due, and then charge me a late fee, saying I should've just known better - I'd be pissed!  I'd feel like I was setup to fail, not to succeed, and would wonder if they wanted me to fail because of some hidden agenda.
-Shady.  I was setup to have a negative experience with them, not a positive one, and the motives behind it are vague, not clear.  I know my creditors want me to have a positive business relationship with them, because then we mutually benefit from that relationship.  It's a win-win situation.  

I wish it was like this in marriage.  Why can't it be?  I believe it would support trust, even romance and vitality in the marriage, not suppress it.

What are some examples of the expectations my spouse has when it comes to...

• division of labor (household chores)
• making financial decisions
• frequency of sex
• disciplining children
• how to confront him when I'm upset
• how to best respond to him confronting me when he's upset 

Call me unromantic, but I want a relationship agreement in my marriage, I believe the benefits will far outweigh the risks.  Honesty in the front-end is how I see a contract, not control, but honesty.  "What you see is what you get" brings stability and a solid foundation for spontaneity to be come out of it, freely.

The basis and underlying principle of a relationship agreement should be the mutual enjoyment of the relationship.  Each party is setup as best as possible, to benefit from the relationship, supported by the Agreement.  It helps to remove passive-aggressive control tactics, unspoken rules, confusion, and unresolved conflicts by nipping them in the bud.  It prevents emotional dysregulation from hijacking the relationship when there are unmet expectations that weren't clearly defined.  

Conflicts in relationships are inevitable.  Having a plan to weed them out upon their presentation, or clarifying expectations on the front-end, helps bypass or deescalate many of those conflicts, and brings security and protection to the relationship.  

Personally, I am not threatened by the idea of creating a relationship contract within my marriage.  The more I think about it, the more I'm FOR it.  

I suggest to you, that each relationship, especially marriages, already have an implicit contract, which leads to resentment and the break-down of the relationship.  And this happens needlessly when both parties WANT to enjoy their relationship, and have their partner enjoy it as well.  

Clarity often results in serenity.  Get confusion and shame out of the driver's seat, and get clarity with boundaries there instead.  The journey will be much more pleasant, I'm pretty sure of it.

Boundaries help to protect and provide the relational environment most conducive to creating the safety to trust, which is necessary for intimacy to flourish, especially where trauma is a part of one or both partner's histories.

Doing business with a creditor requires trust, on both ends.  This trust is in terms of finances.  Marriage has to be built on trust, in the financial, emotional, sexual, spiritual and physical exchanges - an agreement would support that environment, wouldn't it?  Many wedding vows are so vague and lofty, not practical and helpful for the daily grind.  A relationship agreement would address this, in my train of thought today....

Pseudo Healers with Doctorates

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs.  If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."  - Matthew 7:6

Apparently, pigs can be disguised in the "healing profession".  I shouldn't be so shocked, right?  No, but grieved I am.

I'm currently seeking healing from my life's most painful experiences, that are hidden in silence - preverbal trauma.

According to my amateur's blooming understanding and awareness of preverbal trauma which is stored within implicit memories, which when gone unresolved/undetected often create explicit memory traumas on top of those, there ensues quite the entangled web to untie.  It takes the most compassionate, competent, humble and insightful individuals to participate in this most sacred place of healing.

I now realize just how painful it can be to select an ignorantly arrogant practitioner, or more nicely put - uninformed professional - to invite into this emotionally and spiritually invasive process.  Just like I told a dear friend of mine, I am currently earning my PhD in the ivory towers of the school of Hard Knocks.  My PhD - that is my Personal History Degree (PhD).

What is sacred?  -My wounds, traumas, and felt-sense of safety, or simply put: my hidden authentic-self, revealed through vulnerability, which is tenaciously and fiercely emerging onto the scene of present day life, albeit many frozen layers, that once upon a time, served as protective agents.

I'm reminded that just because someone possesses impressive credentials, or outwardly appears to subscribe to a particular dogma, doesn't mean they won't respond like a dog or a pig when I throw my sacred pearls before them, by inviting them into that delicate place.

There are many in the healing profession who do hold credentials that are extremely skilled and gifted at what they do, yet are still open and approachable to feedback from those they serve  - those are the professionals worth their salt.  Those are the professionals who practice what they preach when it comes to the hard stuff in recovery - vulnerability, rigorous honesty, humility, willingness and growth through conflict.  As I get to know these very down to earth people, I'm inspired by them, whether or not they have a PhD or a GED.

How can I become aware that someone (including myself) is treating what is truly sacred, like a dog or a pig would treat pearls, instead of just an imperfect human being making an honest error in missing my heart?  -By the way they respond to me when I vulnerably share my hurt with them - that which is sacred territory.   

Common dog or pig-like responses when sacred pearls are thrown to them:

Silence
Defensiveness
Irritability
Minimizing
Dismissing
Blame-shifting
Attacking
Ignoring
Belittling
Placating in absence of making amends..


It's sometimes a lot harder to discern the pigs/dogs from the rest of the pack, especially when they operate within an establishment that exists to help heal invisible wounds, and have credentials that are used to support that endeavor, not disguise its four-legged nature, and all in the name of "God".  I am not guilt-free from ever doing this myself, thank God He showed me though, and is helping me to walk away from trampling on people's sacred pearls (including my own), one day at a time.

Live, laugh, cry, learn and grow....repeat?  I guess so, at different altitudes I suppose.

Raw reality ain't pretty sometimes, and that's the reality of life.

The Genesis of Shame, and its Remedy

"And the Lord God commanded the man, 'You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.'"  - Genesis 2:16

"The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame."  -Genesis 2:25

"Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked, so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves."  -Genesis 3:7

"The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them."  - Genesis 3:21

Put your thinking caps on.  This post may make your prefrontal cortex sweat a little.

In the beginning, there was God.  He created the heavens and the earth. (Genesis 1:1 & John 1:1)
There was the serpent, who successfully deceived Eve with a subtle lie about God.  Sin then entered into creation. (Read the account in Genesis 1-3)

The result of trusting a lie about God? --> Sin
The result of sin?  --> Spiritual Death
The result of spiritual death?  --> Shame
The result of shame? --> Hiding or covering

It's extremely difficult to try and imagine what creation was like, before sin entered in.  For starters, there was no need for clothing.  Nakedness was the baseline.  Clothing is now necessary in creation, after the fall, because that was the birth of shame.  If you want to try and disprove the necessity of clothing in creation, then go to the local mall and shop around, while you are naked, and monitor your heart rate.  Warning: you may likely get arrested.

With the death of spiritual life, came shame.

Who died? Adam and Eve?  No they didn't!  Or did they?

Physically, they did not die.  If they did, there would have been no need for clothing.  Spiritually, they died, and therefore, needed clothing for their living bodies - to cover their shame.

What died in them?  My understanding is that their spirits died, and that is who their real, true and authentic selves stem from.  That is my developing understanding, at this time.  That is why the Bible explains the spiritually dead, as lost and blind.  For our real, true and authentic selves are foreign and separated from us, when we are spiritually dead.

I am a spiritual being, encapsulated with a physical body that comes with a mind.  As a result of spiritual death, shame ensued.  As I process and grow in my inquisition of God and spirituality, I'm seeing that He is a 3-dimensional-Being.  The Trinity - God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; all in one.  Humans have been created in His image, in His likeness.  We are also 3-dimensional-beings, all in one.  We are body, soul and spirit.  Our souls are our minds, or our psyches.

Shame is the result of being alienated from God, and from my true and authentic self (spiritual life).  God created me for harmonious connection; with Him, within myself, with others, and to the rest of creation (nature).  God Himself doesn't live in isolation.  He is the source of abundant life, of harmonious connection.

With the traumatic loss of connection occurring in the fall due to spiritual death, there is a deep sense of shame.  For I am lost and disconnected from God, and from myself.  I don't naturally fully trust God, and I don't naturally fully trust myself, which makes it very difficult to then trust others.

This is the trauma of sin, it's a spiritual trauma.  Disconnection, fragmentation and brokenness result.  What is my remedy?  -To cover up.  To hide, from both the desire to know my true and authentic self (spirit) and to know that part of others (their spirit).  I begin to then focus on my "garments of skin", my disguises of shame.  There are endless garments of skin.  With shame, whether I'm aware of it or not, it becomes necessary to disguise myself with "garments of skin", until I'm comfortable just being in my own skin.  As in, my authentic self, which I'm realizing more and more, resembles a little child, not an adult.  Many adults (me included) are adulterated versions of children.  "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."  - Matthew 18: 3

In my beginning years as a Christian, I didn't think I had an issue with shame.  I thought Jesus handled that stuff when I decided to follow him, and therefore I didn't need to handle it.  I denied there was anything to handle when it came to the topic of shame.  That's how insidious my shame had been.  I denied issues of shame, because I was ashamed of the issue of shame.  I thought that was only for "weak" people with low self-esteem.  Bullshit.  One of the best ways shame camouflages itself is through pride, arrogance and denial.

Have you ever....

• felt the need to hide your feelings, from your own awareness and that of others?
• felt a sense of safety in feeling emotionally numb or not being hurt by others?
• been irritated when someone expresses their emotions openly?
• found it difficult to allow children to be children, and instead thought they should behave like "little adults"?
• wanted to hide your fears and insecurities?
• felt others were better than you?
• striven to give off the impression as "not giving a shit what people think"?
• judged yourself?
• judged another?
• wanted to control what others think about you?
• prioritized image over reality?
• lied or embellished the truth?
• worried about what someone thought of you?
• blamed everyone else for your problems?
• wanted to hide from people?
• wanted to stay so busy, you'd never have time to feel your feelings?
• bragged or boasted?
• struggled with pride, which prevents you from admitting your faults?
• quickly responded aggressively in interpersonal conflict?
• quickly withdrawn or avoided interpersonal conflict at any cost?
• wanted to earn the approval or acceptance of others to feel good within?
• felt not good enough?
• felt too good for others?

- Shame in disguise.

There is hope.  

Through the deceptive lies of Satan, came sin, which resulted in spiritual death and shame.

Through Jesus Christ, came the Truth (which means to uncover), which results in the opportunity for spiritual life.  I have a choice.  I can trust in what Satan says, which consists of lies primarily about me and God, and live a life full of shame, albeit many options for disguising it, 

OR 

I can trust in Jesus, who embodies truth and came to give abundant life.

"As the Scripture says, 'Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame."  -Romans 10:1

and

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."   - John 10:10

Shame is a highly contagious infectious disease of the mind and body.  Shame results when we are spiritually dead, cut off from our true and authentic selves, and cut off from God, who is the source of life.  Shame also results when I'm not operating out of trusting the truth of who I am in Christ.  Shame hurts.  It's a real disease.  It spreads faster than wet gangrene.  The transmission of shame is often silent.  A "look" given to a child or a stranger, withholding love and affection, favoritism, racism, sexism or whatever-ism.  It is easily transferred through words of judgment, tone of voice, or in the absence of words.  

The most vulnerable population?  -children.  And children are dependent upon adults.  We live in a broken world, infested by shame.  Some have it worse than others, but nobody escapes childhood shame-free, therefore it's so important for adults to treat this infectious disease from taking over within.

There is hope, for God has not left us without a remedy.  He paid the cost with his own life, to provide the only remedy possible - HIMSELF, whose love was driven by compassion and empathy.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."  - John 3:16-17

In my journey here on earth, as a follower of Jesus, I am walking towards more and more freedom from this crippling disease and its lingering symptoms.  The spiritual disease leaks over into my soul (my central processing unit) which in turn inter-relatea with my body.  God is in the process of redeeming me and reversing its effects, one day at a time.  That is recovery.  That is discipleship.  

"And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."  - 2 Corinthians 3:18