AN AGREEMENT or a RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT.
My logic?
I have a legal contract with my creditors. The relationship has explicit terms and conditions that create the boundaries of what to expect from them, behaviorally, based on my own behavior. I know what to expect.
I know my....
- Credit Limit
- Grace Period
- Payment Due Date
- Available Credit
- Late Fee
- Current Balance
- Minimum Payment Due
- Reward Details (if applicable)
- Next Closing Date
- APR
I won't be thrown off guard if I'm charged with a late fee. I'll know how to appeal or dispute a charge. I know exactly what to expect if I don't pay a certain amount by a certain date. I still have freedom, I'm not being controlled, I'm just being clearly told how they operate. I can then make informed choices based on awareness of their boundaries. I know what to expect from them as a result of my own actions. If they withhold from telling me the due date and the amount of my balance due, and then charge me a late fee, saying I should've just known better - I'd be pissed! I'd feel like I was setup to fail, not to succeed, and would wonder if they wanted me to fail because of some hidden agenda.
-Shady. I was setup to have a negative experience with them, not a positive one, and the motives behind it are vague, not clear. I know my creditors want me to have a positive business relationship with them, because then we mutually benefit from that relationship. It's a win-win situation.
-Shady. I was setup to have a negative experience with them, not a positive one, and the motives behind it are vague, not clear. I know my creditors want me to have a positive business relationship with them, because then we mutually benefit from that relationship. It's a win-win situation.
I wish it was like this in marriage. Why can't it be? I believe it would support trust, even romance and vitality in the marriage, not suppress it.
What are some examples of the expectations my spouse has when it comes to...
- division of labor (household chores)
- making financial decisions
- frequency of sex
- disciplining children
- how to confront him when I'm upset
- how to best respond to him confronting me when he's upset
Call me unromantic, but I want a relationship agreement in my marriage, I believe the benefits will far outweigh the risks. Honesty in the front-end is how I see a contract, not control, but honesty. "What you see is what you get" brings stability and a solid foundation for spontaneity to be come out of it, freely.
The basis and underlying principle of a relationship agreement should be the mutual enjoyment of the relationship. Each party is setup as best as possible, to benefit from the relationship, supported by the Agreement. It helps to remove passive-aggressive control tactics, unspoken rules, confusion, and unresolved conflicts by nipping them in the bud. It prevents emotional dysregulation from hijacking the relationship when there are unmet expectations that weren't clearly defined.
Conflicts in relationships are inevitable. Having a plan to weed them out upon their presentation, or clarifying expectations on the front-end, helps bypass or deescalate many of those conflicts, and brings security and protection to the relationship.
Personally, I am not threatened by the idea of creating a relationship contract within my marriage. The more I think about it, the more I'm FOR it.
I suggest to you, that each relationship, especially marriages, already have an implicit contract, which leads to resentment and the break-down of the relationship. And this happens needlessly when both parties WANT to enjoy their relationship, and have their partner enjoy it as well.
Clarity often results in serenity. Get confusion and shame out of the driver's seat, and get clarity with boundaries there instead. The journey will be much more pleasant, I'm pretty sure of it.
Boundaries help to protect and provide the relational environment most conducive to creating the safety to trust, which is necessary for intimacy to flourish, especially where trauma is a part of one or both partner's histories.
Doing business with a creditor requires trust, on both ends. This trust is in terms of finances. Marriage has to be built on trust, in the financial, emotional, sexual, spiritual and physical exchanges - an agreement would support that environment, wouldn't it? Many wedding vows are so vague and lofty, not practical and helpful for the daily grind. A relationship agreement would address this, in my train of thought today....
