"In honest detail, I describe to God and to my Ruth the course and consequences of my attempts to live apart from God."
This is what separates those who get down to business in recovery, and those who don't (backdoor pat on the back to myself). This is what is often referred to as, the course and consequences section of the Path. This post carries some of my own current and personal reflections regarding this crucial stage of recovery.
Rigorous honesty is foundational to recovery. I cannot make progress if I'm unwilling to be rigorously honest, first about my own life within myself, and sharing this with God and then to another trusted human being, which the Rahab Society affectionately calls, a Ruth. Rigorous honesty takes place when there's a felt-sense of safety within the Ruth relationship, when that's absent, rigorous honesty will feel unsafe.
Writing out my course and consequences (C&C's) opens up my life's narrative to investigation, by isolating the basic facts of events/memories as much as I can and revisiting the structure behind the way I've interpreted my life's story up until now. This aids me in distinguishing between the narrative that's been passed down to me (through implicit or explicit messages), which I held as a child, in contrast to seeing how that narrative still measures up as an adult, under investigation, with the help of God and others who listen to my story. I'm better positioned to see how my interpretation of my life's narrative has colored my relationship towards my own self, God, and others, as it being directly linked to particular events/memories I have had throughout life. This begins with the earliest of my childhood memories and gradually moves to present-day life. I am looking for certain pieces of a puzzle, realizing that each of the pieces I'm looking for plays a crucial part of demystifying me, through gaining self-awareness, and removing the shame. I become aware of how I've come to view myself and others, with respect to certain events/memories, manifested by how I've responded to those particular events through the actions I took or didn't take. In other words, through my choices/behavior -course.
In addition to this, I take a close look in noticing how others in my life have responded to my own responses (choices/behaviors/actions) stemming from particular events and/or memories in my life -Consequences.
A pattern will emerge. I'm playing detective (not judge) of my life's patterns, and re-framing it in a way that makes it processable for informational purposes, not for evaluating or measuring my worth. Judging myself has no part in this, observing and becoming aware of my patterns is central to this.
In order to gain the most out of this stage, I'm forbidden to eat the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil while doing this, but I can become aware through noticing the temptations I have to do this. Notice the judgements, but don't dine on them. This is fact-finding, not fault-finding, because fault is an implicit partner to shame, blame and denial.
If I'm in recovery, I'm saying this: I want change.
If I'm to experience what I'm after (change), I need to become aware of why I do what I do, detached from shame and judgement. Shame and judgement will feed denial. Denial is the antithesis of the purpose and intention of Stage 3.
This is a crucial step to take, toward breaking the cycle of unhealthy patterns being passed down to the next generation. -Crucial.
The unspoken rule that many families silently practice of "don't talk, don't question" helps to assure that these patterns, no matter how sick they are, will be passed down through you and onto the next generation. -Your children.
The buck stops here.
Stigmatize the silence.
Describing to God and to my Ruth, my course and consequences of my attempts to live apart from God, disarms the silence and lack of awareness from being in my driver's seat. Though silence and denial (whether it's conscious denial or not) make a "polite" driver, they rob me and my children of the freedom that comes from knowing the truth. The truth regarding my interpretations of my life's story.
Often, when I kick those sick patterns out of the driver's seat, I'm creating quite the stir and raucous. I'm rocking the proverbial boat. But it's in rocking this boat, that I become aware and conscious of how me living my life by just believing that God exists, but is utterly irrelevant or untrustworthy when it comes to how I live my life, has resulted. What are the consequences of living that life, that believes in God, but lives apart from trusting Him? You will come to see that answer for yourself...
I can now make conscious decisions that are consistent with my my conscious values. I am walking away from being that self-deceived Christian, eating from my intellectual belief system that is sorely disconnected to the rest of my life, thinking I'm made right with God via some dogma I intellectually subscribe to. These, in my opinion, are one of the most duped addicts on earth, the religious addicts. I can say that pretty confidently, because I'm a recovering addict of that type myself. Thank God for the interventions He's done in my life.
After doing several C&C's, I'm noticing that the things I was once so terrified to be transparent in, are no longer so terrifying. The balance on my "secrets" account diminishes, which is extremely freeing and refreshing. I no longer need to keep investing resources into my "secrets" account to make sure I'm "secure". I'm freed up to just be me, and let others just be themselves as well, without compulsively trying to deny or alter reality. It's a process, one day at a time. But it's so worth it.
Click on the link for more info re: The Rahab Society.
