Before Returning to the Grindstone

I'm fresh out of an Unveiling Retreat and these are my reflections before returning back to life's normal routine:

The Body of Christ provides healing through the healing of her wounds.  That's how the Great Physician worked.

"...and by his wounds we are healed." -Isaiah 53:5

The body of Christ is a community of wounded healers, all in different stages of their awareness of their own journey.

When I first came to the Rahab Society and to my first Unveiling Retreat in Moonshadow Lodge in the rolling hills of Tennessee, I was very wounded and sick.  But I had no idea how deeply wounded and sick I truly was.  My most successful charade was the one I pulled off with myself.  I thought I was pretty solid based on my theological beliefs and the lifestyle I operated out of based on those beliefs.  I'm a good example of practicing spiritual bypassing only to be caught off guard by a crises of my own making (of which I blamed others).  That isn't to say others had no part in the crises, but my lack of self-awareness regarding my wounds became a blindspot I was no longer willing to live with - simply because I couldn't afford it.

My Ruth I had at the retreat back in fall of 2011 was the first woman I had confessed certain things to.  It felt freeing.  It was fairly low risk though.  I could easily walk away from her and these women without loosing much.  I wasn't dwelling in my neighborhood while I confessed things from my past.  I was dwelling in theirs as a temporary visitor for only 2 days, then took my airplane back home, which was several states and a time-zone away.  But God knew that's where He needed to meet me to start drawing me out.

I had met a woman there that kinda freaked me out.  I was initially pretty intimidated by her.  I stared at her feeling like she was me, uninhibited.  She was me, if I only felt more comfortable in my own skin.  I watched her closely, from a far.

She is the one I asked to be my Ruth after having a short conversation with her towards the very end of the retreat.  She became my Ruth, who helped nurse me back to health...back to sanity.

As of today, I have been to 3 Unveiling Retreats, many Rahab meetings, have had hundreds of hours of contact with women, re-learning how to relate to them in very different and various ways of authenticity, some as a Ruth, some as my Ruth, and am in the process of building my own team (safe-group of women) and the view here is incredible.  I have not arrived though, far from it.. that happens after death.  I'm still alive, so I'm still in progress.  But I can honestly say, that through the relationships and experiences I've encountered in the Rahab Society, which all began at my first Unveiling Retreat over a year ago, I am a whole lot healthier and more whole than I was.  I still get infections and viruses, just like any other "healthy" person.  And I'm still vulnerable to complete catastrophic wounds being inflicted, but I have gained ground being amongst the women in the Rahab Society that I didn't know I even needed.  God has been in the midst.

I have other women I can go to for the medicine and nutrients my heart needs when the doses I'm learning to self-administer aren't quite enough or when I'm feeling too weak to self-administer.  The antidote consists of truth and grace, coming from myself and others when I admit the need and allow it.  I'm not as offended when I acknowledge the need, because this is how God designed it...the body of Christ, ministering to one another...showing the world His love through the body of Christ, which is made of up wounded healers, all in different stages of their own path towards authentic Christ-likeness, assisting others along theirs, one day at a time.

I am honored and thankful to be apart of this thing God is doing in the Rahab Society.

More to come later...maybe

False Hope Detector

The alarming noise a smoke detector makes upon detection of smoke is supposed to let you know smoke is present, before a fire starts.  Smoke detectors are good fire prevention, when we pay attention and respond accordingly.

Resentment can often be present to alarm me when false hope is detected.  Resentment is like the smoke (silent and often invisible) before the flames engulf.  Is resentment being put to good use?  Am I open to the warning messages of resentment upon false hope being detected, before the sound of my house comes crashing down?

When I notice I'm upset or resenting something or someone - my false hope detector is communicating to me.  When I deny or minimize it, I'm inviting trouble, playing with fire.  Resentment can be my ally, when I enlist it under my control, instead of ignoring it and falling under its control.

Self-awareness through rigorous honesty is a non-negotiable.  Shame is an unwelcomed intruder.  When I catch myself passing judgment on myself for what my honesty reveals, I can thank God for the profound grace He gives me.  The presence of resentment doesn't offend me when I learn how to utilize it for my own growth and recovery.  It can warn me before my house suddenly comes crashing down.

My house is symbolic of my life.  

The materials it's built out of are symbolic of the choices I make.  

Just like a house is made up of many parts, my life consists of many choices made, big and small.
The foundation of the house is symbolic for how I see God and consequently myself - my identity.
When my false-hope-detector is going off, it will often present as resentment, which provides opportunity for chaos prevention if I notice and respond accordingly.

To build a solid house - I need a solid foundation.  The foundation holds all the pieces together when trials come, and they will come.

My emotions help steer my choices, which are steered by my beliefs.  Having awareness of my emotions, such as resentment, is a key element in becoming aware of what I really believe - about myself and about God - my foundation.

How I see God is foundational.  The serpent has known this from the beginning.  His successful strategy relied on deceiving Eve regarding one foundational aspect - her perception of God.  The serpent had to get Eve to mistrust God.  The way I perceive God is foundational.  Almost all of life's significant choices stem from trust, or hope.  Is my hope in God, or is it in something or someone else?  That will depend on how I see God.  I will trust Him or not, as a result of the picture of God I hold to be true.  This determines the condition of my house, after the storms have pounded on it.

My choices reveal where my hope is being placed.  Do I put into practice the belief that God is good, that his love for me is the source of my life and identity?  I don't need to write a thesis in order to find the answers.  I just look at my choices.  What do my choices indicate about my beliefs?  What kind of picture am I'm holding of God that steers me?  Does it look anything like Jesus Christ, dying on my behalf?

Resentments can be used to warn me of false hope present in my life.  False hope is a foundation of sand.  As long as I have today, I have the opportunity to make a different choice, thanks to my false hope detector of resentment going off, before a fire burns my house to the ground.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."  -Matthew 7:24-27

None of Your Beeswax

At the encouragement of a special someone, I'm going to start writing daily devotionals, trying to at least.  Targeted audience?  -My children as they grow, or anyone for that matter who allows me the honor to speak into their lives with influence - for mutual growth and inspiration.  May God lead this, one devotional at a time.  Take what you want, return to some of it later, or leave it all - that's for you and God to decide.  I'm guessing I'm the one who's going to get the most out of this.  No matter how many people read these, a huge part of this is for my own journey of healing and growth.  Writing has proven to be an effective tool towards re-calibrating my mind. The most pressing challenge for me at this point - to be succinct!  Long-winded writing is my natural style, I'm a detail-oriented analyzer and communicator.  But, sometimes less is more.

First Devotional - February 4, 2013

Devotional #1:  None Of Your Bees Wax

"Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you."  Proverbs 4:25 NIV

Whenever I catch myself trying to read other people's minds or read in between the lines, I am wasting precious time.  I'm not minding my own beeswax, instead I'm minding somebody else's, at my own cost.

Who is then minding mine?  

If people have something they want me to know, in which I don't already know about, it's their business to let me know.  Not mine.  Yes, it really is that simple!

Amongst other things, my business consists of conducting myself in such a way where I'm as safe, humble, and open as I can be in receiving feedback, within the context of the relationship at hand.  I want to be open to feedback and will prayerfully investigate the information amongst my safe-support of invited insiders into my life.  But if nothing is presented to me, I am free to give the benefit of the doubt, to my own discretion.

I'm not God.  I'm not able or responsible for reading minds behind closed mouths.  I am accountable for responding to the presented information, out of a clear conscience.  Outside of this, I'm setting myself up for becoming side-tracked and instead of focusing on my own business in seeking the knowledge of God's will for me today, I'm off in a daze.  This makes me more vulnerable to anxiety or resentment based on pretense or conjecture, taking up finite time and energy, robbing me of peace.

I can discharge myself from that burden and take up responsibility for what falls under my jurisdiction - my own business, my own life, not the inner thought life of others.

This is all about lovingly setting inner-boundaries for myself to honor.  

This depends on me being present, checked-in and connected mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically with myself and God.  This guards me from silently wandering off and withdrawing into the insidious realm of conjecture where I start to have inner-reactions to things perceived, not received.  Mental distractions can seem harmless, but can be very dangerous.  At the very least, it's a crafty strategy of the enemy which cripples me from being used by God to the max, because it prevents me from fully being available in each present moment.  Boundaried-mindfulness which involves self-discipline that liberates, begins in my secret thought life, where the hidden battles for reality and truth start.  Minding my own beeswax is good protection.  It's also liberating.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:5

His and Hers

God is my dance partner.  I have my roles, He has His.  I make my moves, He makes His.  We then respond to one another in kind, built on the foundation of His grace, not my merits. This is my experience with God, made possible through Jesus Christ.

All the blessings of freedom, joy and peace I'm enabled to enjoy today are from God through His willingness to reveal Himself, in spite of my own lack of resources to gain that understanding apart from Him.  Naturally, I'm ill inclined to abandon my ways of living and getting my needs and wants met.  My natural propensity is to get them met in my own ways, without surrendering to God.  Out of the self-sufficient operation mode, I go about my day involving various tasks in pursuing a sense of worthiness, significance and value by what I do, what I've done, what I'm planning to do, who I know, who knows me, what I own, so on and so forth.  Pretty much anything outside of my identity in Christ is where my natural tendency leads me to feed off of.  The Bible calls this the flesh, or the sinful nature - the part of me that is alienated from God, but trying to live the kind of life God wants me to live, outside of Him.  Whether I acknowledge that God exists or not, I can still strive to live the life God wants me to live (a life of peace, joy and freedom) outside of Him and His provisions.  This has proven to be futile.  A chasing after the wind.  To the extent I'm living life in the Spirit, where my identity and source for living life to the fullest comes from surrendering to Christ, resting in my identity in Him as the sole source of living which definitively defines who I am - I am free.  I'm walking in the truth of who I am, by walking in Truth Himself, Jesus Christ.

I have a role that is distinct from His though.  I often confuse my roles up with His, or the role of others in my life with His role.  I call this codependency.  

He has given me the gift of free will, the capacity to choose.  And in my relationship with God, there are outcomes, depending on many variables that come into play which aren't all known due to the unseen world.  This includes how I use my free will, through what I choose, and how others use their free will, given the realm of options one is aware of.  What you don't know can sometimes hurt you.  Ignorance isn't always bliss.  Thankfully you'll see below that if we lack wisdom, we can ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault.  

I have a major role to play.  I have a part.  And so does God.  He is sovereign over the end results, which are always rolling in until the final judgment when the Kingdom of God has fully come with the return of Jesus, in victory.  All of creation is a progressive story, which includes my life and yours.

In the following versus, notice the dance paradigm.  I am powerless in and of myself, to make true Kingdom change.  But I am not rendered useless, for I can go to God, who is powerful and responsive.  In going through the following versus while focusing on my role and His role, it's helped me see how vibrant, dynamic and alive this dance is.  It's a synergy of wills, in partnership with the Divine.

See the dance unfold...what is your role?  Discern your part with God, releasing the outcome to Him...one day at a time.  God's will - his good, pleasing and perfect will, will win and prevail in the end - if it hasn't yet, the end hasn't come.  

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."  -Matthew 7:7-8

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, 

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,

for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,

for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,

for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,

for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, 

for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."  -Matthew 5:3-12

"My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding,

and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, 

and if you look for it as silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.  He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.  Then you will understand what is right and just and fair - every good path.  For wisdom will enter your heart and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.  Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you."  -Proverbs 2:1-11

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."  -James 1:2-8

Dance on...

Mom's No-Nonsense Romance Advice

Life is filled with uncertainties.  I cannot guarantee I'll be around when my precious daughters or godchildren are of age to enter into the dating arena.  The following is my wholehearted exhortation surrounding that area of life, as clearly articulated as I wish I'd been given.  It's so rare though, most of us were never taught this on the front-end and were not modeled this by our culture's media or in real life.  Much of these convictions come from within me based on my own personal experiences and trying to make sense out of them, in addition to me observing these principles by others who have self-disclosed this sacred part of their love-life with me.  What an honor.

Principles in Serious Dating  - Avoid casual dating.  Casual dating: when you have no interest/intention in developing a committed relationship that could possibly lead to marriage, but are more so using this person to take up time and escape feeling alone/bored.  It's a huge waste of time.  It reveals devalued self-esteem and regard for the other's worth, which is a red flag warning you to stay out of the dating arena until this is compassionately look at with some honest soul-searching.  (I'm willing to bet most who are honest with themselves have to deal with this in their life at different points in their life, it's OK, it's part of being human and being consciously aware about what drives your motives).

• Practice getting clear and honest in deeply knowing and accepting yourself first.  Avoid abdicating this invaludable journey out to a boyfriend to do this for you, to search out your worth in place of you doing it YOURSELF.  Getting this invaluable information for yourself, outside of a dating relationship is so worth it, whether you die single or married, you'll reap the rewards and be glad you did.  The correlation between how you allow yourself to be treated by someone in an intimate relationship can often reveal a lot about the way you subconsciously feel you deserve and are worth being treated.  Get clear about this first outside of giving your heart and/or body away.  In other words: set the foundation for lovingly investing and committing in the relationship you have with yourself first.  That is the one relationship you'll have your entire life, till death do you part.  This is not done in a vacuum or in isolation, nor is it done productively within the context of a dating relationship that has no foundation of you doing this anywhere else.  My experience tells me that it's best done within same-sex, platonic friendships with whom you can be authentic with, who will challenge you to grow and stay invested in yourself up front, and in your relationship with God.  These friendships are indispensable, whether you die married or single.  The purpose of this is to approach any potential dating relationship being armed with conscious experiences of exploring who you are and who you are not (which is an ever-evolving journey) and accepting who you are with love, not shame - imperfections and all.  If this isn't done, it sets a high-risk ball into motion towards heartache that can be thwarted by not depending on unrealistic expectations being met by the person you enter into a dating relationship with.  It's mutually beneficial, greatly reducing resentment-liability, on both ends.
• Articulate what your expectations are (not what you think they ought to be, but what they truly are) by identifying bottom-line behaviors that you will not tolerate without specific immediate actions being followed on your end.  Including, but not limited to ending the dating relationship.  Possible examples: lying/deception, cheating, physical/emotional abuse, untreated addiction etc.  This includes sharing values on specifics that are non-negotiable to you; spiritual compatibility, financial philosophies, or other lifestyle perspectives etc.  Be careful not to judge or criticize your bottom-lines, because that will hide them when they really are present (shame-based denial).  If you're not comfortable with your bottom-line behaviors or standards, I'd caution that you may not be ready to enter into the dating arena yet and this may set you up to compromise way beyond your limits.  Compromise isn't bad, in and of itself, if you never become willing to compromise, you will up your chances of being alone even when you do not truly want to be, but when you do compromise without even consciously being aware of it, it usually comes back to bit you in the arse.  Get comfy in your own skin first, warts and all.  You can always re-evaluate your expectations, but you can't unless you're aware of them first.  The purpose behind this principle is similar to the first - to arm yourself with accepting reality and not being blind-sided by denial. 
• Articulate what your current dreams and goals are for this relationship.  What is the vision you hold for the future with this person that gets you excited?  Talk specifics; family, children, career/vocation, calling, lifestyle, etc.  This can be a good open door to negotiate, because these are not bottom-line deal-breakers, necessarily.  If they are, they should be identified as such.  These are the things you desire or want from the relationship, but you're honestly OK accepting if they don't come as hoped.  You can grieve over these losses, without major wounds.  Cast your dreams and visions with this person, while also seeking to mutually understand theirs.    
• Date in community, not in isolation.  You're only as sick as your secrets, and if you feel the need to keep secrets about any dating relationship elements, that's a red stinky flag.  Shame is fueled by secrecy.  Keep things in the light, with trusted and supportive community.
• Practice intimacy and vulnerability with god and your female friendships first.  It will help you experience the powerful feelings of fear and connection and regulating from those very human emotions while investing in a meaningful relationship.  This will help you to learn by experience that while conflicts, misunderstandings, disappointments, and all that icky stuff is not at all fun to feel, it does not need to hijack and define the relationship either.  You can overcome it, but it takes willingness on both ends.  You can practice being deeply connected in your heart and soul with another person you trust (which means feeling vulnerable because you DO CARE about how this person feels about you) and get the inevitable experiences of being let down and pissed off by this person, and them being let down and pissed off by you -- and it all getting worked out in a way that brings you closer together, and not created distance that gets ignored or pretend away.  It may do that too, but you can learn from these painful times and gain experience in how to lick your tender wounds and get back up after being wounded without burying layers and layers of unresolved resentments. 

You optimize your chances for enjoying a healthy life-long relationship when you enter into one out of some kind of supply (versus a demand) of wholeness, health and love.  Not out of a survival need to fill a deficit within yourself.  That is a recipe for loads of heartaches, unfulfillment and resentment.  The supply for this can come through when it wasn't present from the onset, but my experience shows you need two willing people, not just one.  I'm being made living proof of God's willingness to show up for you when you invite him, but I ain't going to lie or sugar-coat the process that's involved.  It's still occurring after a tremendous amount of pain and necessary willingness to go to great lengths for a breakthrough to freedom and healing by allowing God to redeem the broken pieces, one day at a time.    

The best gift you could give to both you and your potential future-spouse is doing what you can well in advance before you meet or decide to commit to him or her, to be ready to give the best of yourself to them, without unconsciously loosing yourself in them.  It's a high-road, but this is your heart we're talking about. It's not about perfection.  Perfection is unrealistic, but rather being conscious and aware of being your growing best-self realizing that your best-self shows up while in surrender to a loving God, as you enter into a potential for such an intimate relationship.  Love and intimacy is risk-taking, but it's a calculated risk and when you see the possible dividends, it's worth it, and all the sooner when these principles can be followed as long as you have today.  The temptation is strong and subtle to blow these principles off by believing that a perfect or ideal someone will help you live life happily ever after without you ever having to experience pain or risk.  Hollywood makes a good fortune from glamorously propagating that fairy tale, but so do divorce attorneys after the curtain falls.
 

Love is worth it.  You are worth it.  Take these words to heart, and in everything - surrender all to God, trusting in Him to lead you, He will never forsake you.  And remember - the source of unfailing love to sustain you and fill your God-given longings for love and intimacy is God.

I wish you well and all the best in love and life because your heart, mind, body and souls are SO WORTH IT.

Love you deeply,

Mom