If you are a man and are feeling gypped when it comes to the quality and quantity of sex within your marriage, and you're open to getting advice from a woman who will tell you like it is, read on. Perhaps you'll find this helpful.
Nobody is making me do this (or not do this) other than myself. I do this feeling compelled to do what I can for happiness to be realized within marriages, be it ever so unorthodox. It's a battle, for both genders.
Perhaps many Christian men are already getting this information from their Christian brothers from another mother. I have a little hunch that this isn't always the case, as much as I had assumed. Just as men don't typically seek out mental health or physical health screenings as often as women, consider this posting a free and private service. This is gonna come from a "sister" from another mother's perspective. An unorthodox one, but take it or leave it. I ask that you please receive it as coming from a sister in Christ.
If you want to enjoy your wife while she enjoys having sex with you, then the first body part you need to become well acquainted with is her brain, not her vagina or her breasts. You see, the key to activating her sexual desire isn't by pushing some secret button in her genital area. That knowledge can come in useful, but first things first. Understand her brain and how her heart (emotional sanctuary) operates first. Do not forget, as much as our sexually "liberated" culture propagates, she is as much a sexual being as you, but is hardwired differently. God has created her to enjoy ecstasy and pleasure just as much, and if not more, than you. She has been hard-wired to have the ability to have multiple full-body orgasms. As for you -just one, then you're done.
Her sexual arousal which she's also been gifted to have and enjoy within her marriage, is something that isn't activated the same way yours is. Generally speaking, she is not as primarily visual as you. All women vary, just like men do, but generally speaking, she will not become sexually aroused by what her eyesight lets in alone. Her major sexual control panel is not the incoming signals that register mainly through her eyesight, but what incoming signals get registered through her insight and her no bullshit intuition, which can be hugely understood by studying under her hood - her heart, her emotional sanctuary - the CEO of her body chemistry.
Without getting scientific, because I am not a scientist, sex-therapist, marriage therapist or anything of the sort. My credentials are in being married for nearly 10 bumpy years and somehow managing to get through the school of hard-knocks that my marriage experience has been.
Your wife is not as complex as you, or she, may have come to believe. Let's not call her "complex" if it's really your resistance to go the extra mile to activate her sexual arousal. Perhaps that isn't your case, so then just skip over that..it doesn't apply to you.
First things first:
Pursue her.
A woman is attracted by a man whom she can respect. She will not find herself sexually desiring a man she doesn't truly respect. A man she can respect is a man who is confident in himself. I'm not talking about pseudo-confidence that acts like he doesn't "give a rip" about what she thinks and won't be a "yes ma'am" man. That isn't confidence, that is denial. Remember, she has an uncanny intuition that detects bullshit. If you struggle with confidence, it is much better to come clean with her and then do something about it, then to deny it. A woman finds it nearly impossible to respect a man who lives in denial and is a master of his own deception. Sorry, but it's a passion-killer; a man in denial. No matter how well he can articulate, analyze, intellectualize or spiritualize his denial; it will likely register on her intuition control panel if she's practicing walking in tune with it.
Pursuit doesn't mean a few safe-tries with little risk to the ego, then calling it quits. A man who respectfully pursues, yet persistently does so from a place of authentic confidence is VERY hard for a woman to resist.
If you find it hard to pursue out of an authentic confidence, admit it to yourself, God and another brother. There is some needed repair, recovery and healing needing to take place. Nothing can substitute that. There is no shame to be had in this. Women need to confront this just as much as men do. The more you acknowledge and take ownership of this recovery process, the more confidence you will gain - and that will register on her radar. This is where authentic brotherhood is so vital. She cannot repair this for you. She can support you in this process, but this is where you need men to walk with and guide you down this journey, because they know what it's like as a man. It takes humility to accept this, and humility is much more attractive than foolish pride.
To be continued......
The woman answers,
"Among the young men, my lover
is like an apple tree in the woods!
I enjoy sitting in his shadow;
his fruit is sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banquet room,
and his banner over me is love.
Strengthen me with raisins,
and refresh me with apples,
because I am weak with love.
My lover's hand is under my head,
and his right arm holds me tight."
- Song of Solomon 2:3-6
