I am a beggar in disguise, and I gather that I'm just one amongst billions of fellow beggars. I have my own style of begging, just like you do. Some do it from the ivory towers with lots of letters after their names. Some get lots of money while they beg, and some do not. Some do it on the red carpet in Hollywood, then get a trophy for it, and some do it on the carpets of their own churches. Some beggars are categorized as the top 50 most beautiful beggars in the world, and the rest are not. Some beggars do it based on their children's accomplishments, and some on their parents'. I submit to you, in a sense - we are all beggars in disguise. While some have fancier begging costumes than others, it is all in hopes of receiving the same thing - unfailing love.
Allow me to explain:
When I deny that God made me with big needs, they get bypassed and go unfulfilled by the fact of being in denial (usually out of shame) and not acknowledging what is real.
I'm then at high risk for attempting to get my needs met in alternative methods, outside of trusting and receiving from God. This results in me being constantly hungry, while having a stomach full of food that cannot be digested.
When I fully accept and embrace how God made me, my needs are setup to be fully accepted and embraced. I can feed myself food that can be digested.
I am needy. Accepting and acknowledging my neediness does not make me insanely vulnerable. Denying my neediness and trying to cling to self-sufficiency makes me insanely vulnerable simply because it doesn't work for long.
Self-sufficiency is unsustainable.
Striving to operate my life from a soul that has rarely, inconsistently or once upon a time been fed with food that can be digested causes a life that is unmanageable. Living as a high-functioning, but nonetheless empty or unfulfilled human, inevitably will result in an unmanageable life.
Often un-manageability can be detected and prevented when I'm walking closely with others who are invited insiders into my life. Crises is the result of undetected and/or an un-intervened attempt at a self-sufficient life, which can easily be masked until an all out crises occurs. Before the crises, the symptoms are too often felt but hastily medicated, regardless of the ensuing side-effects of over-medicating them. As a result, the core dysfunction is left untreated. In recovery, I'm learning to treat the core dysfunction of trying to successfully live a self-sufficient life. I might as well try to live in the sea.
Recently, I am starting to experience that God does have my back with my needs. I'm learning how to be a good steward in how I manage what I receive from Him.
One of those lessons I'm learning is in regard to storing up my reserves. God gives generously, more than what I need for just myself. And ironically, some of my own needs are met through the process of me being used by Him to love on another person. I'm learning how to be a wise and faithful steward of my reserves and resources.
I pour out from the abundance God provides me, but not haphazardly. God will give in abundance, for that is His nature. I need to pool up my reserves of what I receive from him wisely by saving up and dispensing intentionally. I'm in the process of gaining discernment with a vision of what that looks like. So far, I have an emerging vision that looks like saving up for those who are willing and open to receive from me, what I have received from God (my children are one of the first to come to mind here). He is the true Giver and Provider. It's an honor to be His dispenser and pour out where He leads me to, leaving the results in His hands.
God - I am vulnerable when I give, for I in and of myself do not have unlimited resources. You do, and I only receive from You. Lead me in how I go about managing what I need, what I receive, and what I give to others. Enable me to be a beggar in disguise who dispenses any valuable reserves I have to my fellow beggars, that which You've provided me, one day at a time.
