Ballsy or Bullshit Etiquette

Like many in my generation, I grew up believing that it was "rude" to ask directly for what I wanted, especially if it would cause another to feel uncomfortable if they were to say "no" to my request.

For example:  I learned it was "rude" to "invite yourself over" to another person's home.  Simply asking directly if I could come over to a friend's house or eat something while I was there, was an abomination. Therefore, if I wanted to hang out or eat over at a friend's house, but I wasn't first invited to, the "polite" thing to do was drop hints, subtle at first, then gradually becoming more passive-aggressive if others weren't being good mind-readers.  As long as I was following the rule of "Thou shalt not ask directly for what you really want." - because that would be rude!

I also learned it was "rude" to eat in front of others, without offering to share what I was eating with those around me.  Therefore, if I was hungry, but didn't have enough to share with those around me, I should not eat because it would be "rude" if I didn't offer to share what I was eating.  It mattered very little if I was hungry or not, or if I wanted to share or not.  What mattered most was how others would feel if I took care of myself, this is the unspoken rule behind this etiquette.  This rule remains unspoken because it's easier to rationalize bullshit when everyone complicitly agrees to keep it unspoken.  Shhhhh.....

It's bullshit etiquette that I am still trying to recover from.  It's what breeds passive-aggressive communication styles, that derails healthy and reciprocal relationships.

To ask directly for what I want?  (Huge gasp for air)  How ballsy!!!

It is healthy and respectful, towards myself as well as others, to ask directly for what I want.  Ask, not demand.  Ask, not hint at.  Just because I ask for it doesn't mean I will necessarily get what I asked for.  But if I don't ask for what I want, but expect to get it nonetheless, I am successfully setting you and me up for disappointment, with me feeling like the victim.

I am learning to say what I mean, and mean what I say.  And to ask for what I want, and accept your answer without being silently resentful and feeling victimized by the fact that you cannot clearly read my mind when I'm not clearly speaking it.

Ask + Accept = Respect (ballsy etiquette)
Insinuate + Demand = Disrespect (bullshit etiquette)


"Just let your 'Yes' mean 'Yes.'  Let your 'No' mean 'No.'  Anything more than this comes from the evil one."  - Matthew 5:37