- Matthew 18:15-17
Gonna attempt to personally dive into the application of Jesus' teaching regarding relationships and confrontation; Jesus-style which completely conflicts with the world's and our natural tactics for confrontation. As I see it, this biblical blueprint can be applied for doing interventions, for the purpose of restoring a relationship when it has sustained an injury.
What do I do when I'm offended, hurt or grieved by someone who is a brother or sister in the Lord? In other words, they profess to be a Christian?
In my little NIV footnote it says this after "If your brother sins against you, [Some manuscripts do not have against you.]
What constitutes as "sin"? I'm afraid that people (myself included) would use the word "sin" and make a big fuss about it to invalidate somebody's offense or hurt feelings and claiming a "Matthew 18 isn't applicable" or a situation doesn't "warrant" a Matthew 18 implementation.
In recalling my pastor's reference to the word "sin" in the Bible, it basically means "to miss the mark" or "to fall short".
What is the result of sin? - Death (Romans 6:23).
The life-flow source is cut off when sin has occurred. In relationships/friendships; if there is now a lesser amount of trust present to the degree where one party no longer feels safe with the other, it results in strangling off the life-source of that relationship (trust).
It will at best stagnate, and at worst, leak into other areas of my life. In the realm of organic relationships, vulnerability is a vital ingredient to create a breeding ground for mutual growth because that's when iron can sharpen iron.
Sharpening comes with seasons of the discomfort accompanied by close proximity. Often, sticking it out in the presence of temporary pain is what leads to breakthrough, in relationships and in individual lives. This has been my experience thus far, however limited it may be.
Conflict can give birth to new life. There's no guarantee it will result the way I want. If I'm looking for guarantees, I always have the option to cut and run without making these attempts to reconcile, because I'll have the guarantee that reconciliation will not occur if I check out of the relationship as my first action step. I'm not saying it should never be an option. The more value I assign to the relationship, the further ending it will be from the top of my list of options to follow through on.
Temporary, but very real pain, like nothing else, can lead to healing and profound growth.
When I'm willing to persevere through thick and thin, and not cut and run when inevitable conflict appears, I'll often have an experience of feeling distant or separated from the other person, before and sometimes during the reconciliation process. The potential for mutual growth to take place does require me having willingness to work through this conflict, until the end of the process.
If I just cut and run when I'm offended, I sabotage the possibility of painful yet fruitful growth taking place when iron sharpens iron in a relationship where vulnerability isn't blocked upon offense. My relationships need an element of vulnerability present in order to bump up against another's dullness and be affected by it (we all have our dull areas). But it can be terrifying. I get it.
What promotes distance in our relationships? -Shame, which is responded to by hiding, because it is based in fear, the absence of safety.
When Adam and Eve sinned, this is how it played out...
"Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked, so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?"
He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."
- Genesis 2:7-9
What's a good litmus test to see if "sin" has occurred that "warrants" a Matthew 18 implementation?
Consider asking yourself this:
Consider asking yourself this:
"Am I now hiding any parts of me as a result of this person's actions?" If so, "Why?"
If the answer to the first question is not an honest "Nope" that follows with shalom peace, there's work to do. But I can be encouraged, there's also much hope because the work is clearly mapped out, step by step, by Jesus himself.
It won't be done in vain,
for there will be gain,
in spite the presence of temporary pain.
A Biblical confrontation applying Matthew 18:15-17 will be my guide (not only my emotions). This will be my best bet for reconciliation with this brother or sister, that will result in me experiencing shalom, no matter the outcome. I'll have the peace that comes from keeping my side of the street clean, and doing everything within my own power, to reconcile and repair the relationship.
It won't be done in vain,
for there will be gain,
in spite the presence of temporary pain.
A Biblical confrontation applying Matthew 18:15-17 will be my guide (not only my emotions). This will be my best bet for reconciliation with this brother or sister, that will result in me experiencing shalom, no matter the outcome. I'll have the peace that comes from keeping my side of the street clean, and doing everything within my own power, to reconcile and repair the relationship.
Note: Just so I'm not confronting every person I see in church who won't return a smile to me, this guiding thought might be useful:
The outcome is best when these steps are practiced within the context of a relationship, not merely a title or category that I'm related to more than the actual person. If we have a relationship that is now halted, and moves back a few steps in how close we now relate, that's something to notice and not sweep under the rug.
I can apply the litmus test above.
For example, if I'm offended by my brother-in-law's cousin's, neighbor's employer's friend because they forgot to call me back when they said they would, but I have no relationship with them outside of these titles or categories, then I'm free to know I don't need to confront! Yay! Instead, I'm free to love and overlook.
I can apply the litmus test above.
For example, if I'm offended by my brother-in-law's cousin's, neighbor's employer's friend because they forgot to call me back when they said they would, but I have no relationship with them outside of these titles or categories, then I'm free to know I don't need to confront! Yay! Instead, I'm free to love and overlook.
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
- 1 Peter 4:8
Likewise -
"Hatred stirs up conflict,
but love covers over all wrongs."
- Proverbs 10:12
With the awareness of my best bet towards reconciliation between myself and my brother or sister comes by applying Jesus' teaching in Matthew 18:15-17...I can move forward. The hope is to only need to practice the first step, then be done, but it's not entirely up to me. That's the nature of relationships; there are two individual wills involved. But at least I'll be going somewhere and won't be stuck in confusion or resentment by sweeping unresolved matters under the "nice-Christian-rug".
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." -Matthew 18:15
Pretty straight-forward, right? Easy, but not simple. We can blame that on the flesh, but if we walk by trusting God; we have another nature of law at work in us: the law of the Spirit.
When I'm applying Jesus' 1st step in trying to move a conflicted relationship towards reconciliation I will not do what I may compulsively prefer to do based on my comfort level (of fear/pride) which is to play some various form of the game 'Hide and go seek' with this person which includes involving others, other than or more than, the brother or sister I'm resenting.
Specifically; do not
- tell somebody else instead of the person I'm having an issue with (triangulation) to "get over it"
- confront this brother/or sister in the presence of others
I get the notion that the whole premise in doing confrontation, Jesus style - is to uphold the dignity and honor of the person you have the conflict with. The flesh is incapable of doing this. It sure can strive to, but not for long, and it doesn't fool God in the least.
"But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' -Mttw 18:16
Here's where things can get dicey. In my personal amateur opinion - the best candidates to choose as my 'witnesses' will have this qualifier: Be a brother and/or sister who knows and loves the other person, just like they know and love me. Don't take either my or their enemy (someone with expressed unresolved offense) with. Personally, my preferred candidate would be a person who doesn't have a pattern of betraying others with a loose tongue. They can honor the confidentiality of the matter at hand at my request.
"If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church;" vs 17
The church, in my understanding, is made up of the people we walk alongside on the path with Christ. Some closer than others, but we've seen these people on our travels on the path with Jesus Christ. They are the people who don't necessarily have special authority or a high-profile in the church community with titles or labels, but they know the person being confronted, preferably beyond just a first-name basis (corrective community for the purpose of mutual growth). The difference between this step and the previous one is it includes a group of people (more than just two or three witnesses). The stakes are higher, the pressure is on. It's using peer pressure in the hope for a positive outcome, because these other people are also sinners and imperfect humans. The purpose is to win this person over, not to take them down. If my motivation is to take them down, my experience of peace will go down with them.
"and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."
vs 17
There is evidence now, provided by this person's own choices, that they don't value reconciling the relationship when there is so much at stake. There's now reason enough to believe that perhaps they aren't a fellow brother or sister following Jesus Christ, even though they've professed it. But only God knows for sure. This now puts on display relationally, what is going on in the relationship under the surface of appearances, between you and the other person.. Enough evidence has been provided by the person's choices that it's now time to separate how I interact with this person from how I would a fellow brother or sister in the Lord.
Operating out of the information recently provided by their choices, I can't go on by treating them as a fellow brother or sister in Christ, but rather as a "pagan or tax collector". I have to now make a change in how I relate to them and treat them, through adjusting my expectations of this relationship to fit someone who is a "pagan or tax collector". Their actions have revealed that they aren't willing to change, despite me doing all I can do to influence them and win them over, including using the relationship as is, as leverage. The change is now for me to implement, in how I treat them, not in how they treat me.
I cannot force or control anyone to change against their own will. Their will has now become much more clearer to me, as well as to others who've been invited into this process of initiating reconciliation. I can honor what I now see more clearly; their individual will, without trying to deny it for myself. I can allow them the freedom to have their own will play out, but at the cost of the relationship being altered, with the whole context being different. The change is now in my court, but I can have peace about it while I grieve and adjust.
And how do I treat a pagan or a tax collector? In other words, someone who isn't following Jesus Christ? - Not by judging or shaming them, but by guarding my heart when interacting with them because me and this person are not equally yoked spiritually. Our fellowship is on the basis of me acknowledging this context. This person's own choices have become the source of how I proceed, only when I've confronted cleanly and in love, by following Jesus' teaching to try and win my brother or sister over when they've sinned against me.
This is very different than the world's way of doing confrontation. I see it as a redemptive approach for both parties, with the hope of restoring a relationship and bringing it to even a better place than it was before the conflict. It also takes into consideration, not only my relationship with this other person, but their relationship with God and others, without being driven by my flesh's reaction to an uncleared conflict.
This is my understanding of how I confront in the Kingdom of God, Jesus style. It takes more than just guts, it takes full surrender. But it clears the air with all parties involved being honored throughout the difficult process.
Jesus is a brilliant peace-maker.
Operating out of the information recently provided by their choices, I can't go on by treating them as a fellow brother or sister in Christ, but rather as a "pagan or tax collector". I have to now make a change in how I relate to them and treat them, through adjusting my expectations of this relationship to fit someone who is a "pagan or tax collector". Their actions have revealed that they aren't willing to change, despite me doing all I can do to influence them and win them over, including using the relationship as is, as leverage. The change is now for me to implement, in how I treat them, not in how they treat me.
I cannot force or control anyone to change against their own will. Their will has now become much more clearer to me, as well as to others who've been invited into this process of initiating reconciliation. I can honor what I now see more clearly; their individual will, without trying to deny it for myself. I can allow them the freedom to have their own will play out, but at the cost of the relationship being altered, with the whole context being different. The change is now in my court, but I can have peace about it while I grieve and adjust.
And how do I treat a pagan or a tax collector? In other words, someone who isn't following Jesus Christ? - Not by judging or shaming them, but by guarding my heart when interacting with them because me and this person are not equally yoked spiritually. Our fellowship is on the basis of me acknowledging this context. This person's own choices have become the source of how I proceed, only when I've confronted cleanly and in love, by following Jesus' teaching to try and win my brother or sister over when they've sinned against me.
This is very different than the world's way of doing confrontation. I see it as a redemptive approach for both parties, with the hope of restoring a relationship and bringing it to even a better place than it was before the conflict. It also takes into consideration, not only my relationship with this other person, but their relationship with God and others, without being driven by my flesh's reaction to an uncleared conflict.
This is my understanding of how I confront in the Kingdom of God, Jesus style. It takes more than just guts, it takes full surrender. But it clears the air with all parties involved being honored throughout the difficult process.
Jesus is a brilliant peace-maker.
